Good Advice From a Bad Person

Dear Gabby,

Thanks,
Ornery Luddite Dreamer

Dear OLD,

Thanks for the letter, but I wish you had signed your letter "Those Who Can't Google, Teach." First up, I kind of hate you already because you basically gave me homework. You're a teacher already! The information you seek took me 45 seconds to find. It was in the first link I clicked. You are truly terrible at the internet. We'll get to that later.

I don't know how I feel about this Gabby nickname. I guess it is better than "Gay-Fab" which someone else keeps calling my column. How about Tony? Or Bingo Rockefeller? Or the Oracle (sorry, no cookies)? Or BONESHARK? Those are all way better than Gabby.

So what was your question again? How do I use the internet? Was that it? I tried to type that while giving you this old, whiney voice, but I couldn't think of a way to convey that. But just know, in my head, you get a super old, whiney voice. Think Andy Rooney. I don't even know where to start.

I was going to write tips here to better find what you are looking for when using Google, since I am an excellent Googler. But, I don't think anyone wants to read that, so, instead I will just complain about old people.

Dear everyone who can't use the internet,
What is wrong with you? It isn't difficult. It's been a solid ten years that everyone has been using the internet now. That's a long time. That is plenty long to learn how to do simple things like Google something or not click on links that are clearly advertisements and spam. If you don't understand this by now, I think you are beyond help and wonder how you a) wrote me an email and b) didn't eat a rock for breakfast.

Also, text messaging is not complicated. How is this completely impossible for people over 35 to grasp? Your phone has a keyboard, you type the message and hit send. You don't even have to deal with T9 anymore. And Dad, you don't have to sign text messages, my phone tells me who they are from. Also, other old people: stop calling me. Just text it, homeboys and homegirls. I don't want to hear your Andy Rooney voice anyway.

Please old people, if you take one thing from this, which you won't because you are too busy calling Google customer support trying to get them to turn off Pac Man, it's this: stop writing checks. If I get stuck behind one more old woman writing a check for two dollars at the post office I am going to lose it. We don't need checks anymore. You should pay in gold coins that your TV tricked you into buying. Do that instead. Or just pay with cash or a credit card like everyone else born after the Civil War.

Back to you, OLD, here's your link: PA Department of Education Website certification requirements. I hope you didn't get any viruses clicking on all those nefarious links. Protip: don't click anything that is blinking, and no, you can't really win a free iPod. Finding your link was way too easy, I am truly worried for you and the students of Pennsylvania. At least maybe once you become a teacher some of your tween students can teach you how to use the internet like a real person.

Thanks for writing,
Tony

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• Good Advice From a Bad person
• old people
• teachers