Baseball Limericks
Albert Pujols
by TheUmpire
If pitching a shutout is one of your goals
Show batters your pinpoint control
Finesse them beaucoup
But whatever you do
Don’t hang a curveball near Albert Pujols
Bill Veeck
by BennettO
Leave it to Bill Veeck to finally fidget
To get attendance to reach double digits
Fireworks, “Ladies’ Day”
An organist and half-price pay
And to bat he would send up a midget
Montreal Expos Outfielders
by BennettO
Remember that outfield that was supposed to be awesome
With Valentine, Cromartie and Dawson?
Cromartie went Japanese
Dawson wore out his knees
And Valentine broke a few hearts so they tossed
Philly Fans
by BennettO
In Philly their fans would boo Jesus
Asking “What’s he done lately to please us?”
“We’ve heard all the loud raves
Of how Jesus saves
So did he blow that late lead to appease us?”
Ernie Banks
by BennettO
When you ask Mr. Cub Ernie Banks
Asking “What’s he done lately to please us?”
“How could you play with inferior ranks?”
What with two MVP’s
Five hundred homers to please?
He just said “Let’s play two” and gave thanks
Roger Craig
by BennettO
Roger Craig taught to all the split finger
So that batters would not blast a dinger
If he saw an outsider
Toss a fastball or slider
He was thrown off the team as a ringer
Derek Jeter
by TheUmpire
There once was a Yankee named Jeter
Who proclaimed he was not a tax cheater
“I owe no more than the
next guy from Florida
who knows how to handle a heater!”
Barry Bonds
by TheUmpire
There’s a slugger in baseball named Barry
Who hits homers so often it’s scary
But he gets annoyed
When you ask him ’bout ’roids
If you’re around him you’d better be wary
Curt Schilling
by TheUmpire
There once was a pitcher named Schilling
Whose Game 6 performance was thrilling
But many an eye
Thought it red dye
Not the blood it was claimed he was spilling
Alex Rodriguez
by SamM
There once was a Yankee named Alex
Who neared the home run apex
He took his glove and his lumber
On holiday throughout October
Yet George kept sending the paychecks
Bud Selig
by SamM
There once was a man named Selig
Who vied to be baseball’s bigwig
He couldn’t rely on class
To be among the top brass
So he slimed his way into the gig
The Minors in 2010
by TheUmpire
For future autograph signers
It is no longer fun in the minors
HGH shown the door
Maple bats are no more
And we are already hearing some whiners
Ryan Howard for Albert Pujols
by TheUmpire
Albert Pujols traded to Philly?
I imagine nothing more silly
Plus when he returned
To the city he spurned
His reception would be a bit chilly
Gaylord Perry
by SamM
There once was pitcher named Perry
Of whom many an umpire was wary
If he didn’t throw a spitter
To each and every hitter
Then there must also be a Tooth Fairy
Sammy Sosa
by SamM
There once was a slugger named Sosa
Who could whack it across The Ponderosa
They took his steroids away
And the very next day
He was batting like Omarosa
Spaceman
by Scottie
Astro-turf was the bane of his days.
The DH caused him endless dismays.
Though a purist of sorts,
He loved grass (by reports),
Bill Lee never ceased to amaze.
Ichiro
by Scottie
There was a young man named Suzuki;
As swift as an unleashed Saluki.
His only true obstacle?
He found English impossible!
But it was baseball or acting Kabuki.
An A’s Fan
by StaunchSombrero
In the eighties I followed the A’s
Bleacher seats and a beer-induced haze
Canseco, LaRussa
Now it’s hard to get used ta
How badly they are nowadays
Bert Blyleven
by TommyT
There once was a hurler named Blyleven
Whose curveball descended from heaven
Getting into the Hall
Was all wait and all stall
Currently double minimum plus seven
Satchel
by Scottie
Satchel Paige of historic acclaim,
Who threw baseballs as if they were flame,
Through no fault of his own,
But because of skin tone,
Was denied his true place in the game.
Number 45
by TommyT
The pitcher – nickname of Gibby
Intimidator? That’s not a fibby
Glaring from the mound
Fastball speed of sound
Gonna put one right in your ribby
Roger Clemens
by SamM
There once was a pitcher named Roger
Who played until he was an old codger
Many would later deduce
He on some kind of juice
Yet he proved an effective truth dodger
The North Side Cries Again
by StaunchSombrero
The Cubs win The Series this year!
Redemption, fans vow, is quite near
Hope springs eternal
But the pain is infernal:
No shot at the playoffs, I fear.
Barry Bonds and Defiance
by PhilosopherStone
Barry Bonds played his last with the Giants
Though not totally in full compliance
With biceps steroidal
He hit that spheroidal
With a certain amount of defiance
Kent Tekulve
by SamM
There once was a reliever named Tekulve
You young fellas might ask, who’s he?
Bespectacled and thin as a rail
His sidearm seemed to hail
All the way from Tallahassee
Bernie Carbo
by SamM
There once was a slugger named Carbo
An in-the-clutch swinging maestro
High as a kite
Every single night
His homers would land in the Congo
Pete Rose
by SamM
There once was a Red named Rose
Who had a myriad of foes
Neither the Mets second B
Nor A. Bartlett Giamatti
Ever thought him the nicest of fellows
Bill Lee
by SamM
There once was a pitcher named Lee
A mystery from which planet came he
Whether part of the human race
Or a descendent from outer space
His antics will live through history
Don Mattingly
by SamM
Up to the plate stepped Mattingly
Twirling his bat enchantingly
If hitting is an art
Then Don was a Mozart
Or maybe a Rembrandt, you see
Danny Ainge
by SamM
I don’t want to be here, said Ainge
Methinks it’s time for a change
Rather than make double plays
For the lowly Blue Jays
I’ll be shooting from three-point range
2012 MLB Salaries
by TheUmpire
Salaries up four percent
Whilst the rest of us struggle for rent
The min’s half a mil
Yet we go see them still
Attendance continues ascent
Rakuten’s Most Golden Eagle?
by TheUmpire
Andruw Jones signed a deal in Japan
To perk up his career if he can
His last five seasons were bad
So I’m sure he’ll be glad
If he can once again be “the man”
Ozzie Smith
by TheUmpire
Up the middle the Oz was a wiz
Backflips and DPs were his biz
Other shortstops shed tears
’Cuz for 13 straight years
Every Gold Glove awarded was his
Carlton Fisk Burglarized
by TheUmpire
The police didn’t see whilst patrollin’
Pudge’s collectible coins being stolen
Always a risk
Trying to steal off Fisk
Many baserunners still need consolin’
A-Rod Linked
by TheUmpire
The Miami New Times has inked
That A-Rod is once again linked
To performance enhancers
No definitive answers
But Yankees must feel hoodwinked