| |
| |
The Story About the Baby
No plan survives first contact with the enemy. - Helmuth von Moltke
On January 18, 2002, Cordelia Krizsan Vogel was born. I gave her half of her genetic material. At that point, I began this inspiring journal, so that I could communicate to all my joy. Read on and find out what it is like caring for a new, impressionable, highly dopey human life if you are, well, me.
The Articles
| Week 1 - | The Unbearable Grossness of Being |
| Week 2 - | Who Gets My Things When I Die? |
| Week 3 - | I’ll Happily Lose the War If I Could Just Get One Victory |
| Week 4 - | Don’t Worry. Their Legs Always Fall Off. Nothing to Worry About |
| Week 5 - | OK. If I Don’t Hear A Clear Breath, I’m Only Going To Stand Here Ten More Minutes |
| Week 6 - | Yet Another Way I Fucked Up My Kid |
| Week 7 - | Dawn of the Neglectomatic |
| Week 8 - | I’ll Dress Her In Chain Mail, As Long As It’s Free |
| Week 9 - | Now Baby Must Be Stuck With Needles |
| Week 10 - | Baby’s Life Among the Geeks |
| Week 11 - | “Look, Honey! Her Fontanel Is Throbbing.” |
| Week 12 - | It’s the Casual Sadism That Makes Life Worthwhile |
| Week 13 - | Drool Is Like Diamonds |
| Week 14 - | My Daughter, the Evil Temptress |
| Week 15 - | Three Days of Undaddy |
| Week 16 - | The Amazing Rotatable Baby |
| Week 17 - | “Hey, little girl! This is what Mild Discomfort feels like!” |
| Week 18 - | Our Baby Could Kick Your Baby’s Ass |
| Week 19 - | Intentionally Starving My Child For My Wife’s Benefit |
| Week 20 - | Reverse Colic |
| Week 21 - | Her Brain Outweighs Her Body |
| Week 22 - | Food Cramming! |
| Week 23 - | The Angel Slides Smoothly Off Into Sleepy Time Ecstasy |
| Week 24 - | “Could I have some explosives to set off near my child?” |
| Week 25 - | The Smile Is Not Happiness |
| Week 26 - | Horrible, Horrible Disaster Daddy |
| Week 27 - | The Thirty Year Rule |
| Week 28 - | Stuck With Pacifiers For Good |
| Week 29 - | Progressing From Limpet To Turtle |
| Week 30 - | “But I hate people who bring kids to restaurants. And I hate you!” |
| Week 31 - | Our Child Has Become Emotionally Dependent On Us |
| Week 32 - | How To Bathe a Baby |
| Week 33 - | “We Wuv Our Widdle Baby Scabby-Face” |
| Week 34 - | Trust, Once Lost, Can Never Be Regained |
| Week 35 - | Horrifying Introduction To Children’s TV |
| Week 36 - | More Thoughts On the Merciful Glories Of Television |
| Week 37 - | Chicken Soup For the Lost Soul |
| Week 38 - | Cordelia and Daddy Versus the Hippies |
| Week 39 - | Get Her Happy. But Not Too Happy |
| Week 40 - | “Just because she’s helpless, doesn’t mean she’s harmless.” |
| Week 41 - | “Awww! She Gave You a Love! I’ll Call 911.” |
| Week 42 - | The Horrific Torment That Is Daddy |
| Week 43 - | Jam Fleshy Tab A Into Canvas Slot B |
| Week 44 - | The Use Of Skinnerian Conditioning To Mold My Child’s Brain |
| Week 45 - | “Mom! Daddy Is Entrapping Me!” |
| Week 46 - | Scientifically Measuring Exactly How Irritating Your Child Is |
| Week 47 - | The Proper Way To Drop the Baby |
| Week 48 - | Learning To Shut My Big, Fat Mouth |
| Week 49 - | Cordelia’s First Christmas. Aww. |
| Week 50 - | Each Baby Is Irritating In Its Own Special Way |
| Week 51 - | Teaching Children Wisdom Is Stupid |
| Week 52 - | Having Struggled Desperately To Reach One End, Are We Stupid Enough To Want Another Beginning? |
| Epilogue - | The Three Main Reasons Being A Parent Sucks. |
Supplemental Material
Pictures of Cordelia at 6 to 12 Months For fans of the baby and toddler journals, here, as some have requested, are a number of other pictures of the baby. This will make our nightmarish adventures much easier to picture in your brains.
Pictures of Cordelia at 9 Months For loyal fans of our baby’s adventures, here are more photos. Warning: May contain mild amounts of humor. Very mild.
Pictures of Cordelia at 6 and 7 Months (More alert, more cute, more poo)
Pictures of Cordelia at 5 Months
Early Pictures of Cordelia (Warning, only people with strong stomachs need apply.)
Setting Up the Bassinet
Home | Archives | The
Story About the Toddler | The
Story About The Baby
Scorched
Earth Party | Greatest
Hits | The
Bin | Letters | Fun
Games | Our
Purpose | Email
Contents of these pages are Copyright Jeff Vogel, 1994-2004, All Rights Reserved. Ironycentral.com is sponsored by Spiderweb Software, makers of fine fantasy games for Windows and Macintosh.