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ADULT
JOKES
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Last week a very
important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were
troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an
inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong
in what he had done. They decided that the only course of action left
was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.
Now, the problem
remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched
the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great
meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy
rod with thy staff."
A guy walks INTO a
psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the
doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's
wrong?"
The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"
Ma and Pa where
rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what
was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and
continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was
that for? Ma said for knowing the difference.
Top Ten Acronyms Least Used In Personal Ads
10. JRLA -- Janet Reno Look-Alike
9. CWP -- Cigar-Wielding President
8. MSG S/G W/B M/F KOPWPFYB -- Moon walking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay
White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys
7. RHMI -- Really Hip Macarena Instructor
6. HAWGSOH -- Heroin Addict with Great Sense of Humor
5. STLSM -- Show Tune-Loving Straight Male
4. SWFWHBTP -- Single White Female Who Has Blown the President
3. EHWC -- Extremely Hairy White Chick
2. WARSADAP -- Works At Radio Shack and Drives A Pinto and the Number
One
1. WSUBFC -- Will Screw Ugly Bastards for Cash
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his
bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45
automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really
don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od
bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be
with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and
say, "TIMES UP"?
A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down
holding his penis.
A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"
He replies, "It died today."
"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied
The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.
The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."
The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"
One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but
couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he
and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for
the first time."
God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is
Eve now?"
Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."
"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and
reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would
try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after
their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a
car wreck.
True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit
world exactly 30 days later. At the sance, she called out, "John,
John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her,
"Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked,
"Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure
skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green
and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?"
asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good
breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After
lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five.
After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm
a bull in Montana."
On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as
soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here,
I should be in third grade!'
The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please
take his seat.
Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I
don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!'
Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and
the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first
grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions
that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon
discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals
that the principal could think of.
The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a
cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.
'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants
that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.
'Pockets!' said Larry.
The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in
third grade, I missed those last two questions!'
This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent
survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In
response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered
'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times
a night'."
"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay
until our second mortgage is paid off."
John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to
do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got
on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on
the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what
she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the
weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed
her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to
next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John
figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off
with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date,
"How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
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