Drive Through ATM Procedures
Please note that Banks are installing new
"Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will
be able to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles. To enable customers to use this new
facility the following procedures have been
drawn up.
MALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
* 6 Put window up.
* 7 Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine.
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align
car window to machine.
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto
passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down.
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to
machine due to its excessive distance from the
car.
* 9 Insert card.
* 10 Re-insert card the right side up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your
PIN written on the inside back page.
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required.
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and
place cash inside.
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.
* 19 Re-check make-up again.
* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.
* 22 Retrieve card.
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and
place card into the slot provided.
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal
to irate male drivers queuing behind.
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
* 27 Release Parking Brake.
Whenever your
children are out of control, you can take
comfort from the thought that even God's
omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating
heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The
first thing he said was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam
replied.
"Don't eat the
forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we have
forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes, way!"
"Do NOT eat the
fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your
Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering
why he stopped creation after making the
elephants.
A few minutes
later, God saw his children having an apple
break and he was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not
to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent,
asked.
"Uh huh," Adam
replied.
"Then why did
you?" said the Father.
"I don't know,"
said Eve.
"She started it!"
Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with
the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam
and Eve should have children of their own. This
should be fun.
Thus, the pattern
was set and it has never changed! But there is
reassurance in this story. If you have
persistently and lovingly tried to give children
wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard
on yourself. If God had trouble raising
children, what made you think it would be a
piece of cake for you?
QUOTES ARE FROM
ACTUAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has
reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a
has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision
and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it
is only to change feet."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking
lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards an then
consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village
somewhere of an idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner
he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic
thing to hold it all together."
12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than
an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a
carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him
sometime."
15. "Doesn't joke but is a jokster"
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves
the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks
bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens
cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural
de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was
done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing,but
the train isn't coming."
24. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other
is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts,
you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can
hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe that he beat out
1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;
he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is
dead."
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