The pastor shocked the congregation when he
announced that he was resigning from the church
and moving to a drier climate. After the
service, a very distraught lady came to the
pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob,
we are going to miss you so much. We don't want
you to leave!" The kind hearted pastor patted
her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't
carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be
even better than me".
"Yeah", she said, with a tone of disappointment
in her voice, "That's what they said the last
time too . . . "
A little boy
opened the big family bible. He was fascinated
as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,
something fell out of the Bible. He picked up
the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the
pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called
out. "What have you got there, dear?" With
astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Several years
ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear
a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary.
One Sunday a lady arrived without her head
covering. The priest informs her that she cannot
enter without it. A few moments later, the lady
re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.
The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow
you to enter this holy place without your
wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine
right,"
she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one
isn't bad either, but you still must wear a
blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.
One Sunday
morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was
staring up at the large plaque that hung in the
foyer of the church. It was covered with names,
and small American flags were mounted on either
side of it. The seven-year old had been staring
at the plaque for some time, so the priest
walked up, stood beside the boy, and said
quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."
"Good morning,
Father," replied the young man, still focused on
the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little
Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all
the young men and women who died in the
service." Soberly, they stood together, staring
at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was
barely audible when he asked, "Which service,
the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
The Pope is
visiting town and all the residents are dressed
up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines
up on main street hoping for a personal blessing
from the Pope. One local man has put on his best
suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk
to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally
down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very
good.
As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and
says something to the bum and then walks right
by the local man. He can't believe it, then it
hits him. The Pope won't talk to him, he's
concerned for the unfortunate people: the poor
and and feeble ones.
Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade
clothes with him. He puts on the bum's clothing
and runs down the street to line up for another
chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him.
Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this
time, leans over close and says "I thought I
told you to get the hell out of here!"
A minister was
preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to
ask the congregation to come up with more money
than they were expecting for repairs to the
church building. Therefore, he talked with the
organist to see what kind of inspirational music
she could play after the announcement about the
finances to get the congregation in a giving
mood. "Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of
something." During the service, the minister
paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are
in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice
as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please
stand up." Just at that moment, the organist
started playing, "The Star Spangled Banner."
Noah went to
see God to ask him for a new and improved 'ark'.
"Ok Noah. I think it is time you had a new ark",
God said. "Take a seat, tell me your ideas, and
I'll start a design". "Well, firstly, I'd like
it to have plenty of floors. Say, 5 or 6", Noah
said. "Ok... 5 or 6 floors" "I'd also like some
spaces on the floors as well, to keep things
in."
"Right, spaces." And with this God starts
drawing a few designs for Noah. "Would you like
some animals in there to start you off?" God
asked him. "Erm... Fish!" Noah replied. "Fish.
Ok. What sort? Any in particular?"
"Carp, and
plenty of them", Noah said. "Carp. Anything else
needed?" God asked. And they went through
various items such as the colour, doors,
windows, etc. Finally, between them both they'd
come up with a design that they both agreed on.
Sitting back in his chair admiring the new
'ark', God asked Noah, "So, what are you going
to call it? Have you thought of anything?" "Well
God. I thought I'd call it 'Noah's Multi-Story
Carp Ark'
One day in
Sunday school, the teacher was talking about
Jesus is to the kids, "Bobby, where is Jesus?"
asked the teacher. "Jesus is in heaven." replied
Bobby. "Very good!", said the teacher. The
teacher then asked a little girl," Where is
Jesus, Emily?". Emily said innocently, "Jesus is
in my heart!". The teacher beamed at little
Emily and said, "How very sweet!!!". The teacher
now asked Timmy, "Timmy, where is Jesus?".
"Jesus is in my bathroom." he said assuredly.
"Please elaborate, Timmy.", the teacher said.
Timmy then replied, "Well, every morning my dad
gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells.
Jesus Christ, are you still in there!!!"
Mother superior
calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I
must tell you all something. We have a case of
gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," says an
elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so
tired of Chardonnay..."
Jesus and Moses
get together for a little reunion. Moses says" I
haven't parted a sea in a long time". So he
raises his hands, and a sea parts. He looks a
Jesus and says " Damn that was fun". So Jesus
looks at Moses and says " I haven't walk across
water in a long time". Jesus starts to walk on
water. He gets out about 10 feet and sinks, so
he swims back in. " What the hell went went
wrong? I'm gonna try again." This time he gets
out about 20 feet, and he sinks, so he swims
back in. " I still don't know what happened, I'm
gonna try one more time." He gets out about 30
feet and sinks, so he swims back in. He looks
right at Moses and says " I know why I can't do
it. The last time I tried it I didn't have holes
in my feet."
A Catholic, a
Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the
size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting
another. One more son and I'll have a basketball
team!" said the Catholic.
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have
ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with
another child. One more son and I'll have a
football team!"
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!''
said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One
more and I'll have a golf course!"
A priest and a
rabbi are walking down the street together, and
they both want a drink, but they have no money
on them. The priest says, "I've got an idea how
to get us some free drinks." He walks in alone
and the rabbi stands at the door and watches.
The priest orders a drink, drinks it, and then
the bartender gives him his tab. The priest
says, "But my son, I've already paid for the
drink." The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry,
father, but it's really busy in here and I must
have forgotten." The rabbi walks in and orders a
drink. After he drinks it, the bartender gives
him the tab, and the rabbi says, "Son, I paid
you when I ordered the drink." The bartender
says, "I'm terribly sorry, rabbi, I don't know
what's wrong with me, but that's the second time
that happened to me today." The rabbi says,
"That's okay, son, no offence taken. Now, just
give me change for the twenty I gave you, and
I'll be on my way."
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