Let those words pass through delicate lips and gentle fingers with a fiery passion for every experience. But don’t empty that well, he said. Stop when there is still something left in the deepest part.

And I suppose like Marilyn Monroe says, as permanently inked just below my heart and slightly to the left, “I restore myself when I’m alone”.

Over 2 years ago, surprise twins and a fast paced career put me on hiatus from one of the few extracurricular passions that truly leveled me, challenged me, and helped me feel (even on hard lesson/show days) free from the weight of the world on my shoulders. I sold it all. For too long a moment, I let myself believe that I couldn’t cram one more thing back into my life and that there wasn’t room for me. Not right now. No, it belonged to others during this “era” of my life. That’s a mostly unspoken rule that new working moms are taught to believe and follow, understandably, but sometimes to the detriment of their own emotional well-being.

With a little (a lot) of help from my friends and loved ones, I found the confidence and encouragement several months ago to start taking my weekly riding lesson at Double Deuce Farm. Things changed. I started going on Saturdays instead of Tuesday nights, I was a little rusty but not nearly as much as I anticipated. I forgot a few things, but they came back just like riding a bike. What came back first though wasn’t the memory of how to put on a bridle properly or breathe and smile through a spooky ride. What smacked me so sweetly in the soul first was the feeling of one hour of complete freedom from my seemingly endless worldly stress. With a hummingbird heart wired for sound, riding has always been one of the rare activities capable of playing my characteristic anxiety and thirst for freedom together, not against one another.

I won’t say it’s easy. I’m a 20 something mother of twin daughters now, with more color-coded calendars and lists than ever. I have no blood flow to my extremities when it’s cold, and some Saturday mornings I wake up tired, admittedly dragging myself to the barn. And every single time I’m done, I think, “Silly girl. That was hard, and it was awesome.” And like clockwork, I take the deepest most clean breath of my entire week.

This weekend, I showed for the first time in years. For the first time in my riding history, I heard the pleasant, “Rider off course, thank you.” But that was my schooling round. And then Avatar and I won Grand Champion of our division, just like old times. Taking risks and embracing passion. Old and new. That’s how I plan to start this new year.

I started a traditional reflective post last night, trying to conjure up the highlights and lowlights of 2012 before the ball dropped. But it just seemed like so much happened over the past year and I couldn’t articulate everything in quite the right way. Needless to say, my night was calm, quiet and uneventful. I played word games and watched Ryan Seacrest – enjoying a glass of cheap champagne for posterity. I thought today might bring a fresh perspective, but today is already coming to a close – a sure sign of another busy year. So I’ll leave with this visual delight – my girls having their very first “sled ride” today. It only lasted about 5 sweet minutes, but Audrey and Paige needed some fresh air.

I’m finally starting to hack away at some housekeeping items over this winter “break” weekend. So, while I tinker with the look and feel of things around here, I thought I should share some of the photos I took during trip to London in August of this year. These are just a few, with minimal editing if any. I hope to share more soon in addition to an updated theme for brainshambles. Ambitious – maybe. But who said I was ever anything different?

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