Lessons From A Non-Mom
Abby Heugel is a professional writer/editor and aspiring hermit in Michigan who is waiting to be discovered as either a brilliant writer, Broadway star or professional asparagus eater. She can’t sing very well, so she’s hoping the other two pan out. You can read more of her work at www.abbyhasissues.com.
.
Here’s the thing.
I am not a mom and I will never be a mom, as my instinct to nurture things is pretty much limited to my garden three months out of the year, at which point in time I’m ready to rip the sucker out of the ground and give it a rest for nine months.
People have told me this isn’t an option with offspring. That kind of cements my decision.
But much like my grandma telling people that I’m a spinster with no hips and no ass, it’s inevitable that at 30 years old, my friends are surrounding me with everything “baby.”
I can honestly say that I don’t mind the occasional update and picture. A baby might not be as cute as a puppy, but the little buggers can occasionally do things that warrant parental bragging and posting.
The problem arises when my friends—wearing their baby blinders—mistake my polite interest as an invitation to indulge me with stories of possible allergies and prolific artistic talents with macaroni and glue on a daily basis.
So in the interest of keeping me itchy trigger finger off the “unfriend” button, I thought I would give them a few tips about how to keep the anti-mommies from becoming anti-friends.
There are certain words that are acceptable and “normal” when bandied about with other parents, but that non-parents don’t need to hear. These include but are not limited to: kidlet, breast pump, nipple, baby bump or placenta. And for the record, any mention of placenta consumption is an automatic blocking for life.
Pictures are fine in moderation, which I understand is a relative term. However, just think about how many pictures you would like to me send you of either my fake indoor tree or my mom’s dog and use that as a baseline. And as for ultrasound photos, just don’t. While it’s a miracle and lovely for you, to those of us who aren’t carrying that little lima bean inside our uterus, it looks like an alien. They all do.
Finally, know that when I say I don’t want to have children, I really mean I don’t want to have children. Do not look at me as if I just declared I don’t want to ever have fun or time to myself again, as for me, having children would amount to never having fun or time to myself again. To put it in parental terms, I would be in a permanent “time out.”
Please know that I am genuinely happy for you and wish you nothing but the best. But if you send me a mouse pad with a picture of your child dressed up like a mini-you or start tweeting about nipple seepage, all bets are off.
Now if you’ll excuse me, my fake tree needs water.
Want good karma? Share this post!
Previous post: 10 People Who Make Parenting Harder
Next post: The Mother Test
{ 113 comments… read them below or add one }
Personally, Abby, I’m with you, and I AM a parent! When I gave birth, I didn’t want to examine my placenta, much less consume it. When I was breastfeeding, I didn’t want to even think the word nipple, as they kind of ruled my life. I wasn’t coordinated enough to effectively use a breast pump, and I looked like I had a perpetual baby bump well after Kindergarten, err… delivery.
Oops! Just realized I mentioned all your banned words. Guess if we were FB friends, you’d be hitting that unfriend button like a judge on America’s Got Talent hits that X.
Very well done, Abby. I’ll be sharing this one…
Reply
I hope I didn’t come off as rude, as sarcasm is my second language, but there are just some things we don’t need to know–repeatedly. ;)
Abby recently posted..Abby’s Ark
Reply
I feel about dogs the same way you feel about children, and yet people act like I just shot them in the foot when I tell them I don’t like pooches and will never ever own one, not even if hell freezes over.
Oh and, nipple, breast pump, baby bump and PLACENTA!! teehee… ;-)
BonnyBard recently posted..Monday Listicles – Home sweet home
Reply
I’m more of an animal person, but I get that other people aren’t and don’t talk about it all the time–especially not a progress report on their bowel movements ;)
Abby recently posted..Abby’s Ark
Reply
Great post. I am always amazed by how many people are so self centered and talk about topics of interest to themself, that interest NO ONE else!! I am a soon to be mom, but I can’t stand talking to other women who can only talk about their kids. I REALLY DON’T CARE THAT YOUR SON EATS VEGGIES AND SPICY FOOD AND LIKES THIS AND HATES THAT AND BLAH BLAH BLAH. Seriously. And the bombardment of baby pics on facebook? NOT COOL. I am in the same boat as you when I say I don’t understand and really dislike the fact that parents think the ENTIRE world is concerned about what their kid is doing and looks like.
Reply
I think there’s a fine line between general sharing/conversation and details on how your uterus is dilated or 500 pictures of little Johnny running around in a diaper. While I realize parents are excited, it’s not like they’re the first to ever have a child.
Moderation in certain circles people, moderation…
Abby recently posted..Abby’s Ark
Reply
Haha my son’s name is Johnny, and while I am so not comfortable talking about the birth process (unless someone specifically asks for details), or how I choose to feed him. I am totally guilty of posting pictures; both ultrasound (in my defense it was for my mom to see since she refuses to let me e-mail her photos), and otherwise. I do try to be conscientious of the fact that no one is excited about my newborn as I am, so I try to keep the picture posting to a minimum…. I do like this post because I swore I never wanted to be ‘that’ mom, so these are all good reminders. Also another pet peeve I’d like to add to the list, is when people tell me to vote for their child in “such and such” baby contest, because they are sure to win…. UGH no, they’re not. Stop it.
Reply
Of course! I don’t think posting pictures is self-centered at all, as it’s your kid and you have every right to be proud and share what you want. But I also think that like anything else–especially if it’s in a professional setting–there’s a certain amount of discretion with certain things. That doesn’t just apply to parents with kids!
Abby recently posted..Abby’s Ark
Reply
I am always having to pull myself up when I talk to my best friend about my children as she is childless…but I am a stay home mum and my life is consumed by what I do as a parent. It is my job and there is not a lot more I have to talk about…just like any other person with a full time job. I too get annoyed with my self talking about my kids but apart from that all have to talk about is whats on tv and my relationship and I’m pretty sure my friends dont wanna hear about that either…but thats my life and I assume you when your baby arrives it will be yours too… good luck with your little one :-)
Reply
Even though I have kids, there are things I’m uncomfortable talking about. And now that they are old enough to talk and ask questions, I think they realize this and do it out of spite. You can try using with your friends the tactic that I use with my nine-year-old son when he begins to tell me a story: I cut him off and say, “Is this appropriate?”
Karen recently posted..The Saga of a Sleepless Son
Reply
I’m not exactly uncomfortable talking about certain things–I’m pretty much an open book–but it’s more of the “why are you telling me this again when you know I have no interest” type thing. However, with certain people in certain settings, I really need to implement the “Is this appropriate?” phrase. Good call.
Abby recently posted..Abby’s Ark
Reply
To me, Christmas is about the only time I will gladly accept pictures of the kids. Any other time of the year in unacceptable.
And they have to be those postcard pictures. Because no one expects us to keep postcard pictures that say “Happy Holidays from the Smith Family!” out all year long.
Tanya Doyle recently posted..I Count Stairs
Reply
And then there’s that twinge of holiday guilt in throwing away their picture, but yet…you don’t want to keep it around.
Abby recently posted..Abby’s Ark
Reply
I think there should be a limit on “all about me” posts on FB regardless if they feature pictures of your kids, your dog, your new house, etc. I have a friend who is flirting with being unfriended because of her 8+ daily updates of where she is, what she’s eating, and yes, what cute thing her kid just did. I am a Mom however unless your kid just:
a) had a birthday
b) lost a tooth
c) saved your family from a fiery death
then we probably don’t need the constant stream of info.
Also? Placenta. There I’m done ;)
Alexis recently posted..Bedtime What Time?
Reply
Agreed. I’ve written many times about social media saturation, and it’s not just with parents, that’s for sure. If I can tell you everything you’ve eaten and done in a day, perhaps you should back away from the computer. :)
Abby recently posted..Abby’s Ark
Reply
I love that everyone can make whatever decisions are best for them : )
Life with Kaishon recently posted..Babysitting (and some advice for photographers)
Reply
Abby! Great post over here at Scary Mommy! You are so kind to indulge my parenting blog with visits and comments. I totally get you. I still feel like I missed “girl school” and some of these things still perplex me, and I have two kids! Of course, my permanent method of communication also = sarcasm, which is why I love reading you so much.
Cindy ~ The Reedster Speaks recently posted..The Land of Tea.
Reply