The Beautiful Women of the Australian Open
A recent article in yardbarker.com advertized the beautiful women of the 2013 Australian Open. If these women weren’t top notch athletes making beaucoup bucks, I would have thought that I was looking at the latest contestants in a girly magazine or an enticement from an on-line dating service called Eastern European Brides.
Many of the tennis stars pictured had names like Azarenka, Sharapova, Radwanska, Kvitova, Ivanovic, Cibulkova, Kirilenko, Zakopalova, Pavlyuchenkova, Pironkova, Hantuchova, Govortsova, Hlavackova and Puchkova.
Petra Kvitova, Karla Zakopalova and Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova represent Italy in the Australian Open. Yes, pretty common names in Italy, I think.
I ask for your candid opinion.
Olga Puchkova of Russia starts her warm up session.
Victoria Azarenka of Belarus is ready to serve (you).
So is Dominika Cibulkova of Slovakia.
Yalina Wickmayer of Belgium is advertizing a new sports bra.
Arantxa Rus of the Netherlands is advertizing – well – a new anti-itch cream.
I’m sold. What are the dates for the 2014 Australian Open?
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Tagged as Australian Open, beautiful athletes, Eastern European brides, humor, humour, musings, pictures, tennis
The Demise of Pluto
American astronomer Clyde Tombaugh discovered Pluto in 1930. From its discovery in 1930 until 2006, Pluto was classified as a planet. Every science textbook I ever studied listed nine planets, with Pluto as the ninth. Starting in the late 1970s, Pluto’s status as a major planet began to be questioned and in the late 20th and early 21st century, many objects similar to Pluto were discovered in the outer Solar System. On August 24, 2006, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) defined what it meant to be a planet. This definition excluded Pluto as a planet and added it as a member of the new category “dwarf planet.” So much for all those textbooks.
Pluto’s orbit is more eccentric and more tilted (inclined) than any other remaining planet, taking 248.8 years to make one trip around the Sun. Aren’t a lot of us just like poor Pluto, a bit eccentric, a little tilted and taking forever to get anywhere? We were once full blown planets but are now downgraded to the status of “Plutoids.”
You may think of this as an isolated and insignificant occurrence. I see it as more sinister and far reaching with momentous repercussions.
For example, will the element Plutonium (#95 in the Periodic Chart of the Elements) become a near element? Plutonium will no longer sit between Neptunium (#94) and Americum (#96) in the Periodic Chart but be forced to move just off the west coast of #87 Francium. Plutonium will stop being used for making nuclear devices and instead become only a primary component of cherry bombs.
Mickey Mouse will give up his dog Pluto and replace him with an exotic bred Peruvian Inca Orchid dog named Alvaro. Pluto will roam the streets of Los Angeles, homeless and hungry, until he gets picked up by the animal shelter and becomes one of those sad and dreadful pictures in the ASPCA commercials.
Pluto, king of the underworld, will be deposed. Pluto was the Roman god of the underworld and the judge of the dead. Pluto was originally considered by the Romans as the giver of gold, silver, and other subterranean substances. Hereafter Pluto will be reinstated as the Marquis of Mining and will run a pawnshop in Paradise, Arizona.
There will be a change to Plutonic Theory, the idea that the earth was formed due to intense heat in the earth and which stems from Pluto. Plutonic Theory will be replaced by Plutoid Theory, the idea that the earth was formed by lukewarm heat, the kind you would get from running a heat pump in the dead of winter in North Dakota.
Before other dire consequences occur, join me in restoring Pluto to planethood!
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Tagged as complaints, dire consequences, king of the underworld, periodic chart, planets, pluto, Plutonic Theory, satire, science, thoughts
Dream Sequence
One of the questionable benefits of a sleepless night is the discovery that you, in fact, do have several dreams a night. What appears, at first blush, to be an uninterrupted night of tossing and turning does include interludes of fitful sleep, sometimes accompanied by sequences of dreams. The constant sleeping and waking allows you to remember, at least for a moment, the makeup of these dreams.
I’m not sure what causes the sleeplessness, much less the particular dreams. When Scrooge encountered the ghost of Marley in A Christmas Carol he attributed him to “…an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato.”
Dreams, as stated by Sigmund Freud in The Interpretation of Dreams , are all forms of “wish fulfillment” — attempts by the unconscious to resolve a conflict of some sort, whether something recent or something from the recesses of the past.
According to several sources, we dream six to eight dreams a night but many of these dreams go unnoticed. There are several standard sets of dreams, six to ten in all.
One source lists the top ten as: car troubles; faulty machinery (Car troubles and faulty machinery? Really? Do any of you spend your nights changing engine oil or adjusting the thermostat?); lost or trapped; missed a boat or plane; failing a test; ill or dying; being chased; bad or missing teeth (presumably less of this one in Appalachia); dream nudity (more of this in Beverly Hills?); falling or sinking.
Mine fall into none of the above. My major dream seems to be what I call Endless Convoluted Maze Accompanied by Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
Tom Stoppard’s play, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, elevates two minor characters from Hamlet to leading roles. My dreams elevate similar inconspicuous and inconsequential players to major roles. Hamlet and Ophelia sit on the sidelines. [Uh oh, I see a psychiatrist type encouraging me to sit down on the couch and explain all of this thoroughly. Fat chance, buddy.]
Endless convoluted maze is the main theme. I find myself visiting a town only to find colleagues (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern) there from work. For reasons I can’t explain, we are assembled in a set of rooms that combine a doctor’s waiting room with a storefront and an old-fashioned diner but we are there due to some unexplained legal matter. As time passes, colleagues are replaced by doctor’s patients. I go searching for the colleagues who, having finished their meal at the diner portion, go off to some undisclosed location. In my attempt to follow them, I move through the town and outsides and insides become interchangeable.
In some part of my dream, I go into a building next to a parking lot, go through the whole building to upper floors, get to the end of a corridor and am faced with a small exit next to a small office that is the size of a crane operator’s cab. The occupant of the room explains to me that the only out is to take an exit which is a combination of fire escape ladder and climbing rope. Why I don’t just retrace my steps is beyond me. When I complete the exit, I am outside once again in the middle of the parking lot even though the building would clearly be at the edge of the parking lot.
No wonder that I’m still tired in the morning. I’m overworked trying to figure the dream out.
Please tell me that you dream about car troubles and faulty machinery.
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Tagged as complaints, dreams, humor, humour, life, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, sleepless nights, The Interpretation of Dreams, thoughts
Elderporn
What is the fascination that people have for old folks having sex? Group sex at retirement communities was a recent highlight (or lowlight, depending upon your view) but sex among seniors seems to be a hot topic in general. Thus, thanks to Jen and Tonic’s hilarious post, we have Metamucil moments, diapered booty calls and new uses for Polygrip. Speaker7′s funny post added the delightful image of the elderly and genital warts.
A television station in Florida reported a number of years ago that sexually transmitted diseases among seniors were widespread at a Central Florida retirement community called The Villages. The outbreak was blamed on Viagra, a lack of sex education, and no pregnancy risk. It also led to jokes about “wrinkle swapping, overnight golf cart key-trade parties, and that perennial favorite spin the pill bottle and see who you go home with. (bring your glasses.)”
Since everyone has tons of chuckles thinking about grandpa and grandma getting it on, it’s only a matter of time before the vapid minds behind the motion picture industry get involved and decide to update some X rated pornographic classics with a more mature cast and some unintended consequences. Your humble author suggests a few updates to the raunchy geriatric screen:
| Title | Synopsis |
| Behind the (Moldy) Green Door | What are Fred and Ethyl really doing behind the green door of room 3C? There have been lots of grunts and groans but now it’s eerily silent and starting to smell. |
| Gag Factor | In this sequel, the emergency squad technicians find out what is really behind the green door! |
| Deep Throat (Endoscopy) | Mabel’s cough sends her to Dr. Rick, her gastroenterologist, for an endoscopy. Dr. Rick gets more than he bargained for when he looks down Mabel’s throat! |
| Breast Stroke | Paramedics fight for old man Walter’s life after busty Nurse Rebecca’s uniform has a wardrobe malfunction while trying to help Walter adjust his pacemaker. |
| Face Dance Obsession | Dirty Werner experiences great discomfort when he asks petite blonde Jamie to dance on his face and gets 415 pound Wanda instead. |
| Eighty One and Nasty | Sixty three years after Eighteen and Nasty, our heroine reappears at the Hillside Rest Home. |
| Flesh Gordon | Flash has become Jupiter instead of Mars but he still sends the girls at the retirement home into orbit. |
| Nasty Romances | Eighty One and Nasty meets Flesh Gordon. Nasty! |
| Granny Does Dallas | After getting lost in Dallas’ largest strip-mall with no money, granny offers startled shopkeepers other ways to pay for her purchases. |
| Lust at First Bite | An elderly vampire has a romp at the old folks’ home but keeps losing his dentures in his victims’ necks. |
| Pick Up Lines 44 | If only George could remember the pickup line he used last night …or in the last ten minutes. |
| Young Ripe Melons | Spotting some ripe melons at the lunch counter in the senior center makes Homer and Elmer reminisce about their adventurous youth until they fall asleep face-down in their mashed potatoes. |
| Stop! My Ass is on Fire! | Love makes a burning impression on Harold when, in his exuberance, he accidentally sits on a can of lit Sterno. |
| Younger Than Me | Yes, gramps, that’s basically everyone here and no, I’m not interested. |
We may also see the remake of modern classics with an elderly theme:
| Title | Synopsis |
| The Inseminator | After successful stints as TheTeminator and The Governator, Arnold reinvigorates his screen presence as The Inseminator.** [This may also become a documentary.] |
| A Few Good Men | What does granny really want? Jack Nicholson and a few good men. [This may also be a horror flick.] |
———————————————————————————————————————-
**Thirty years after playing Conan the Barbarian, Arnold Schwarzenegger, 65, has agreed to return in a sequel called “Conan, the Legend.” Art imitates life.
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Tagged as aging actors, elderporn, humor, humour, movies, pornographic classics, retirement communities, sex among seniors, the villages
Happy New Year …and that’s when the fight started.
Would you expect a curmudgeon to wish you a Happy New Year with resolutions of love, well-being, harmony and peace?
Naw, where’s the fun in that?
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
…and that’s when the fight started.
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My wife and I were watching reruns of “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
…and that’s when the fight started.
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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
…and that’s when the fight started.
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swilling his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
…and that’s when the fight started.
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. There was always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
…and that’s when the fight started.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
…and that’s when the fight started.
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
…and that’s when the fight started.
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
…and that’s when the fight started.
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”
…and that’s when the fight started.
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
…and that’s when the fight started.
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I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a really bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said “I am NOT Happy!”
So I said, “Well, which one ARE you then?”
…and that’s when the fight started.
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Tagged as and that's when the fight started, annoying people, complaints, happy new year, humor, humour, resolutions, thoughts