Londoners…
…weird fucking bunch of people, everyday is like it’s day release at the mental institution.
Most of these were in the space of a few days within a 200 metre radius of my front door. The rest from my short train commute to work in the last couple of weeks. There’s more tales but once you’ve seen one guy eat a steaming pile of Spaghetti Bolognese from a china plate on a packed train you tend not to bat an eyelid.
- I’m smoking a cigarette whilst waiting for a friend outside the supermarket until I am beeped by an old guy on a mobility scooter – which is decked out like a Harley Davidson. What I would have given to have seen an ‘old lady’ coming up behind on a zimmer frame, tittied and tattooed. No such luck.
- I’m blissfully listening to Mark Kozelek on the train home and a guy taps me on the arm, I remove my earphones and he tries handing me his phone “speak to my boss” “nah” I laugh and shrug him off. What did he think I was, his on-hold message?
- About to cross the road to stock up on cigarettes and booze, a bus is stopped mid-traffic so I manoeuvre myself behind it to be confronted by a guy on roller blades, fag in mouth, numerous shopping bags in one hand whilst his other hand clings to the back of the bus. The bus speeds off as he hitches a lift behind it. I scoured the local paper for news of a roller blader crushed to death but sounds like he got away with it, the things people do to save £1.50 on a bus fare.
- Stepping onto the train I am confronted by a guy sitting on a sofa, he bought his own sofa on the train. I know it’s hard to commandeer a seat in rush hour but this was ridiculous. Right in front of where I perch myself too, hilarity ensues when another guy tries to sit on the sofa as if it was just another seat provided by London Transport – much to the sofa owners annoyance.
- A girl steps on the train, my eyes immediately drawn to her for her mouse like demeanour. She squeezes past everyone and forces herself into a gap standing between two people at the back. We approach the next stop and she squeezes back past everyone to go back to the doors. My first reaction is why would she bother fighting past the crowds for one stop to only go back to where she got on. Then she doesn’t depart but once the doors close again she moves back through the hordes back to the spot upsetting the people she squeezes between. Cue the next stop she moves back to the doors and the mad cycle continues for a further 5 stops.
- Mid-way through cleaning my house of a Saturday morning, the doorbell goes, who could this be, I already had my post delivered. I open the door flustered from my exertions to find a couple of chaps who would like to know if I need the Lord this morning. I reply if he wanted to help with mopping my kitchen floor it would be much appreciated. They turned and departed leaving me confused. I get a lot of religious callers, presumably as Camden Town is a pit of sin, but I was disappointed with their lack of effort in trying to convince me otherwise. Sloppy work Jesisters.
On a side note: Happy Thanksgiving to my American chums, I take it you are all stuffing your faces with poultry since I am getting no new posts in my Reader today. I hope you are having a good day as mine is infinitely less interesting as a result of your silence.
Share this:
- Tumblr Google +1
Like this:
Posted by joehoover on November 22, 2012
london-survival.com/2012/11/22/londoners/
Movember – The Mustacium of Tartarus
E for effort and F for fuck you
25 Comments
appletonavenue
/ November 22, 2012And they say Los Angeles has all the weirdos! lmfao And thanks for the good holiday wishes. Will try to squeeze in a blog today.
joehoover
/ November 23, 2012LA does? I must go there!
appletonavenue
/ November 23, 2012Hollyweird is truly a place to see.
appletonavenue
/ November 23, 2012Nothing says weird like Hollywood on Halloween!
benzeknees
/ November 22, 2012Back when I used to ride the bus to work, I would laugh at some of the people who rode the bus every day too! Some of them are so comical!
joehoover
/ November 23, 2012I hope no one is writing about us, “There was someone on the bus laughing to themselves…”
the curtain raiser
/ November 22, 2012The sofa on the train is a classic. Wonder if it converted to a sofa bed? Serious possibilities!
joehoover
/ November 23, 2012That would have been amazing!
Laura
/ November 23, 2012How did he get the sofa onto the train? The only explanation I can come up with is that it was one of those Ikea flat-pack sofas, and he assembled it on board.
joehoover
/ November 23, 2012That would have been funnier, it wasn;t a big sofa but the train has double doors that slide open so it’s quite spacious.
I hope someone has a dining table and chairs set up and having afternoon tea next time.
gingerfightback
/ November 23, 2012Brilliant!
A friend obtained a chair near Holborn once – we found him on the eastbound central line platform asleep in it. Two hours later he is knockingn on our front door asking if we have any change for the taxi – the driver has charged him for bringing the seat home. Nice seat too – padded and everything. No cushions though.
joehoover
/ November 23, 2012You’re the people I write about!
gingerfightback
/ November 23, 2012Probably – you can see the link to homebrew beginning to emerge.
joehoover
/ November 23, 2012I was goign to mentioned that
She's a Maineiac
/ November 23, 2012Maybe that girl was feeling claustrophobic. I know I would be hyperventilating and running around in circles if I was on a packed train.
joehoover
/ November 23, 2012I would have given her that, but I think she was just a bit odd
Madame Weebles
/ November 23, 2012A sofa on the Northern Line? I can’t decide if that’s insanity or genius. I’m really curious as to what that guy wanted you to talk to his boss about. I’m sad that you didn’t talk to him because now we’ll never know. And I’m disappointed in the Jesus visitors, don’t they know cleanliness is next to godliness?
joehoover
/ November 24, 2012I think he wanted me to confirm he was on the train and on his way to work. I’m not using some randoms mobile. germy
If they come round this weekend I’ll invite them in to help, it’s a tip again after one wek
pouringmyartout
/ November 24, 2012And you used to be the most normal people on the planet. You set the bar for normal.
joehoover
/ November 24, 2012I know!
pouringmyartout
/