Stranded in Motherhood

I have been stuck in a cycle of negativity. Maybe it is some delayed postnatal hormonal mess. Maybe its winter and the repeat colds and flus.

Or perhaps it is the perpetual nature of the round the clock care of a toddler, infant and a 6 year old with autism. I find myself just sitting staring at my feet and that is all I really want to do. When my daughter starts howling outside the sleeping baby’s room because my son ran away with her bunny for the hundredth time, I feel as if I will burst. I become distant from Allah in my prayers, only to become desperate when salah ends and make dua because I know my salah didn’t really count for much. I set alarms for night prayers, only to just make fajr by minutes.


A good day is reduced to one where I don’t scream something at one of my children.

Everything is manageable and so productive, and then a week like this comes along. All my training tells me this is a normal, almost anticipated part of the curve. If I graph the ups and downs of this story over the years, I know it always precedes a major change. A change perhaps in the development of one of my kids (or maybe this time all three of them at once!)

Or maybe the change is within me. Life it seems often has a way of pulling us to a higher level of patience, greater ability and maturity, while we kick, resist, fight, being dragged, stumbling, feeling inept and stupid. Or at least that is the story of life around here.

So while I was lying face down on my bed feeling horrified with myself today, not even knowing where the baby was, I decided to get up and shuffle my way to them. They had found something to keep themselves occupied while mom tries to dig herself out of whatever hole she is in at the moment. What happens to one, affects everyone. We all go through these phases together. Development it seems is not mutually exclusive, rather our individual experiences will transform us all.

So all the mom's who have children at home with them, when the husband is not there and no one is watching, and you are doing your best to remember who is the real Rabb, fearing Him, know that there is no act, however small, that He doesn't recompense it in some way.

Through our weaknesses hopefully we will teach our children some compassion. Their adult experiences with mom, will hopefully allow them to think for themselves and develop an empathetic judgement and understanding of human behaviour. And children will welcome you with love if you go to them shuffling or you meet them running with enthusiasm. They are wonderful little humans in my life.

Just checked the last post is dated November. That is how busy things have been around here.

The terrible weather and flu season has kept us under and indoors pretty much the entire season. Although yesterday I stepped out for a walk because of the freak 12 degrees Celsius. Reminded me of how much I missed being outside with my kids. Truly the best thing about this winter will be that it will come to an end.

Since I never really feel like I have done anything, unless I have stepped outside and touched some trees and rolled in some grass, I haven't really found anything motivating enough to pull me away from my massive todo list and on to posting something. Hundreds of posts have been written, all in my head, lost after I had stepped out of the shower, got out of my car or put down a finished cup of coffee.

So yesterday's very brief excursion through the creek trail made me miss my blog!

We have done other random things while being locked indoors for weeks on end. Things like learning how to read and sitting at a desk to get through several basic worksheets. No big deal really.

Right? Or I try not to make it a big deal to myself. Ok, it is kind of a big deal. However if we had not wandered the woods and trails for hours on end for years, none of this would even be possible. So when the big thaw finally happens, guess who will be the first one out with three little people in tow?

Until then, amuse yourselves with some interesting pictures.

My son wanted to recreate a "falling" scene on some ice puddles yesterday. I thought this was precious.



And while we are at it, here is a short video of my son reading on his online reading program. I do a lot of other activities to supplement his learning, but he has come a long way from stimming, scripting, behaviors and I feel is finally taking ownership of his own learning.


It has been possible because both K and I have not been fighting stupid battles with schools and IEP's. I have not been chauffeuring him around from one place to the next. Everyday I embrace the simple things, we follow a basic simple structured day, adding and changing a few things here and there, to make sure it is not rigid and learning still happens. His ABA program is separate from his academic learning right now.

He really wants to write things, although he gets very frustrated when he has spelt a word wrong. We have been writing a rough daily schedule that he really enjoys following. He tries to write words phonetically, but his own speech isn't a 100% clear so he often misses letters. I used to correct him gently, but I found that since he has realized he doesn't remember the spellings and will be corrected, he gets whiny and frustrated before we even start writing his schedule. Just shows that from an RDI viewpoint he still really really resists being guided or being in any kind of guided participation interaction. However he is learning, the hard way, that the things he wants to learn are just not going to come to him. Someone will have to teach him! Not sure how long K will take before he completely accepts this little fact. The fights are getting smaller and more manageable, but they are still there. This is why the basic RDI back and forths never worked with him. He was always smarter than the challenge, and he needs these functional kind of challenges like writing schedules, following recipes and other things the feels he owns, to allow others to guide and teach him slowly. In these frameworks we deal with his anxiety, slowing down and thinking and all of that.

Here is a picture of a schedule he wrote.



There is enough to challenge my son in his current ABA program and his homeschooling, plus two little siblings and extra curricular activities.

I am so grateful to have been given this chance to homeschool. I am grateful that I live in Ontario where it is my legal right to homeschool him. I am grateful to Allah subhana wa ta'ala who allows every single little thing to happen.

K still has challenges but we have a rythm now thanks to all the great ABA therapy he receives in the comfort of his home, to the RDI knowledge we have, and the wonderful homeschooling community that we are blessed with in Toronto.

No progress is linear. But we try to learn from our mistakes and continue on the path we have chosen.

I feel people have a very idealistic view of homeschooling. Once you realize and accept that learning does not happen in neat little steps and stages, that LIFE is learning, that is when you really let go of your inhibitions, and get in touch with your brave, creative and ambitious side. It is scary at first, but acceptance of any challenge also brings with it so much peace.

Who knows where we will be next year or what challenges the next week will bring? And that is just fine.