You know, for t-shirts…

What’s not to love about unicorns? Seriously? Their horns can cure cancer, they poop rainbows, and they make a tasty spam ‘n eggs.

And they’re probably the most airbrushable of all mythical creatures. Sorry dragons. And Dale Earnhardt.

You may not believe in unicorns. That’s fine. It just means you don’t have a pure heart. Sidebar, seriously read the unicorn-watching tips. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

Plus, Robocop rode one.

$19.50 | Mens Womens | Paypal, Credit | M: S – XL, F: S – L

Sun Tzu knew that the subtlety of battle was a delicate dance. You have to draw your enemy close to do damage, but if they sense danger from afar, the jig is up. That’s the beauty of the Eff You t-shirt. It lures people in with a thank you, and then

BAM!

Clocked straight upside the head with an old school eff bomb.

Alright, I know what you’re thinking – there’s no way I can wear this shirt around my family. Valid concern. I suggest moving in a serpentine fashion to throw them off your tail. That’s also one from Sun Tzu. Matter of fact, I’m pretty sure he would have been one of the Eff You tee’s early adopters. You bet your buns if they had American Apparel preshrunk shirts in 5^th century B.C., Tzu would have been rocking that. Daily.

$16.99 | URL | Paypal, Credit | M: XS – XXL

What do a Nobel laureate, B.A. Baracus, the Shat, and an O.G. have in common? I’ll bet my chain-wearing, alien-fighting, pale-rapping, poem-writing ass they’re here for the T Party. They’re T.S. Eliot, Mr. T., T.J. Hooker, and Ice-T.

Three out of the four are total badboyZ (it takes a man to cover Elton). But you’re probably asking yourself – why T.S. Eliot? Well, in addition to living abroad before it was “the cool thing to do,” I have a theory that T.S. stands for Tough as Shit. Theory goes it was a nickname Hemingway gave him. And that dude ate bullets for breakfast.

And if you don’t know who T.J. Hooker is, ask your dad.

$32 | Mens Womens | Paypal, Credit | M: S – XXL, F: S – XL

Toward the end of February, some actor was making a lot of bad decisions. Just days later, the first email hit my inbox:

(Since Sam was “first” here’s that link, in case you, a devoted Preshrunk reader, find this shirt to your liking.)

Within a couple days after that, my inbox began to resemble this Google image search:

Suffice it to say, I crawled into a hole for as long as I could, waiting for the Sheen-pocalpyse to end. Only after the zombie hoards groaning “WINNING” had faded into the distance and I could no longer hear the splattering of tiger blood rain outside my bi-bomb shelter did I decide it was safe to venture out once more.

So here I am, ready to review some shirts again. If you have an awesome (non-Charlie) t-shirt for me to look at, hit me up.

These days, most of us are sensitive to environmental issues. I know I am. I’m not saying I bike to work or anything like that, but I try to recycle, I’ve been known to let it mellow when it’s yellow, and every once in a while I think, for just a second, about going Full Begley.

The problem with my environmentalism is that it lacks the in-your-face punch of badass anti-whalers. I can walk the walk, but I don’t really talk the talk.

So I don’t want to be confrontational, but I’m also kind of afraid of making the old native-american man cry. I’ve found the solution, my friends. Broadcast your hatred of water bottles with No. The Facts. Throw it on, and people know where you stand. Except not in a confrontational way. Because sometimes that’s just not cool.

$18 | URL | Paypal, Credit | M: L – XL

Hipsters are like the Judas of cultural subgroups. They’ll deny their hipsterdom until they’re blue in the face. They swear on the life of their record player that they’re genuine, and everyone else is the hipster jagoff.

Well, Mr. Ironic Mustache Tattoo, you can run – but you can’t hide. The Hipster Scum shirt lets you call out your friends every time they make statements like “You can’t call yourself a fan until you’ve listened to their whole discography.” or “The Beatles were way overrated.” Because come on, man. It’s The Beatles.

Yes, move over “I’m with stupid.” This is the internet age. Nobody cares about being stupid anymore. These days, it’s “I’m with Arrogant.”

$19 | URL | Google Checkout | M: SX – L

Oh. My. Word.

Sometimes a shirt comes along that is just so perfect that the more you write, the more you obscure its beauty. Like trying to describe a perfect picnic or a you-had-to-be-there joke.

Now is one of those times.

Do not wait. Do not pass go. Put on your best sneer, partial mohawk, and 40 pounds of gold jewelry.

Pity the fool.

$20 | URL | Paypal, Credit | M: S – 2XL

I’ve got a passion for history, but I’m pretty bad with dates. This. Shirt. Is. Perfect. It’s like the longest mnemonic device I’ve ever seen, and if I could memorize it, I’d feel like one of those robot-people that know pi to the thousandth digit.

As an apology for taking you to a video of pi to a thousand digits, (sidebar, a video that had nearly a thousand views) I give you one confused puppy. Thanks for the palate cleanser, Internet.

So, if you’re interested in looking snazzy while spouting important dates like the signing of the Magna Carta (not the soothing english folk group) or the release date of Zeppelin 1, look no further. Now all you have to do is carry around an index card with a list of what they mean.

$21 | URL | Paypal, Credit | M: XS – L

It’s Threadless Thursday! On Thursdays when I remember, I highlight a design in voting that could use some love. Last week I skipped it, because I didn’t like any of the designs.* This week, I like two!

Hipster Shark only has 18 votes. While I’m sure he doesn’t need anyone to validate his coolness, let’s see if we can make this particular hipster the popular kid! Go vote on Hipster Shark!

*If you’ve ever thought to yourself that it’d be a good idea to subscribe to Threadless’ Design Submission RSS feed so you see all the cool new designs, THINK AGAIN.

Threadless gets about a gazillion submissions a day and they aren’t all unicorns and rainbows.

Thankfully, Cloud Vomit rose to the top of the pile pretty quick. If you like it, too, then go vote!

I pose a question: is nudity the answer to world peace? Before you accuse me of being some sort of sexual deviant, let’s explore it a bit more. I think there’s a powerful thought there.

For starters, it would just make fighting more difficult. Armies stopped using armored ‘packages’ to strike fear in the hearts of our enemies centuries ago, but the more advanced we get, the more soldiers look like characters from Halo. It’s easy to be brave when you’re covered head-to-toe in Infinity Armor and look like Dr. Doom without a cape, but let’s see how tough you are with the boys hanging in the breeze.

Another benefit is that it’s just difficult to take someone seriously when they’re nude. Naked people look ridiculous. Like grown babies. Try being seriously mad at someone when they’re naked. Go ahead. Strip down and start yelling.

Whether or not getting naked will help solve world strife, only time will tell. But let’s be real, is it any crazier than war? Not in my mind. Next time conflict is staring you in the face, hang some brain or let the girls fly loose. For peace. And, if you’re afraid of being picked up by the cops (although you could make an argument for civil disobedience), support peace by showing that you’re not afraid to mix nudity and war.

Peace awaits, friends. Let’s get naked.

$29.99 | URL | Credit | M: M – XL