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Toy Review: Top Three Vibrator Wands for Valentine’s Day Gifts 2013

The Eroscillator 2 Deluxe

The Eroscillator may not be the best-looking sex toy – in fact, I think it’s potentially the ugliest I’ve seen – but it’s got a great personality and a fantastic sense of humour: after all, where else would you find a bristled attachment called The French Legionnaire’s Moustache (yes, you guessed it: it’s the bristly one to the left of the picture)? And which other wand would you give you orgasm after orgasm without inflicting the throbbing of a million nerve endings screaming in protest afterwards?

Yes, that’s right, you heard correctly: because The Eroscillator oscillates (moves from side to side) rather than vibrates, it leads to a less numbing experience than other wands. By this I mean that it gives you a far better build-up to your orgasm, which means that you can continue using it without your bits dropping off in disapproval, which in turn gives you more potential for multiple orgasms – and squirting.

The Eroscillator is lighter and far more silent than other wands I’ve tried, and unlike many other brands the manufacturers haven’t stinted on the cable which is nice and long (a small point but one worth making). It does take a bit of getting used to with regards to the bizarre attachments but thankfully the heads are much softer and more flexible than they look from the photos. My favourite attachment is the Golden Spoon, and having heard great reviews of the silicone Ultra Soft Finger Tip (which sounds more like my kind of thing) I was disappointed to learn that the manufacturers of The Eroscillator only include it in the Deluxe Soft Finger Combo which Lovehoney doesn’t sell. But thankfully you can buy the Ultra Soft Finger Tip and other attachments separately from the official Eroscillator website.

Apart from the unattractive appearance and non-inclusion of the Ultra Soft Finger Tip in Lovehoney’s particular package (and please note I’m just splitting hairs in both cases), if I had one real criticism of The Eroscillator – and bearing in mind this the only real criticism – it’s that using the switch control slider isn’t entirely obvious when you’re in the throes of passion since visually and feel-wise it doesn’t stand out from the rest of the toy.

Well, I call it toy, but that would be to do it an injustice as the Eroscillator really does live up to the hype, especially if you’re someone who struggles to reach orgasm or you’d like to learn to squirt – and yes, in my experience squirting can be learned (in which case you may also like to buy an additional G-spot toy to help you on your way – I recommend the Glass Intimo Minako G-spot Dildo).

If you like a sensuous orgasm as much as a wham-bam-thank-you-Mam functional climax then The Eroscillator’s for you. In fact, without hesitation I’d say it’s for every woman out there – especially those of you who struggle to come, since the manufacturers claim that it’s “proven to bring 87% of unorgasmic women to orgasm.” Personally, I can honestly say that every time I use it it’s the most incredible experience: I don’t normally have to put a towel down before I use a toy ‘just in case’, but with The Eroscillator…well, let’s just say it’s hard not to go with the flow.

The Eroscillator may cost £169.99 but even if it were twice that it would be money well-spent, as it’s worth the hype – and then some. If you live in the UK just remember to buy a plug converter to go with it because believe me, you may well have a favourite toy sex now, but once you’ve tried The Eroscillator there’s no going back. In my opinion (and I’ve tested hundreds of sex toys) you will not find a better clitoral stimulant on the market: it’s the stuff credit cards were made for.

The Eroscillator is available for £169.99 from Lovehoney

The Europe to UK Power Adaptor is £9.99 from Lovehoney

The Glass Intimo Minako G-Spot Dildo is £37.99 from Lovehoney

Bodywand Magic Vibrator (with UK Plug)

Picture the scene: you’re in bed, you can’t sleep, you’re horny but you’re tired and can’t be bothered to masturbate: it just feels too much like hard work. You’re in a sleep-sex Catch22, so what do you do?

I’ll tell you: if you’re in the mood for a quickie or a good hard fuck rather than a sensual experience then the Bodywand Magic Vibrator serves that purpose perfectly. Its heavy, no-frills functionality is the vibrator equivalent of a pneumatic drill – you can hear its power before you feel it, and then once it’s applied it leaves you a juddering wreck. The Bodywand will shoot you orgasms like bullets: it’s hard, fast and dangerous to know.

I say ‘dangerous’ because after use you’re likely to feel numbed and your clitoris may well be left ringing like a gong on a steel surface – even just the sound of the highest setting is intimidating. Thankfully though, you scroll through the settings with a control dial which means that you can choose – and change – the right level for you extremely easily, even if you’re in the midst of an orgasm.

Body massage-wise, as a sufferer of chronic pain for me the Bodywand is definitely useful to unknot a bit of tension (its flexible head is great for this), and I’m sure anyone with stress in their lives would benefit from its impressive power. You may however want to invest in an extension cable as the lead the wand comes with isn’t particularly long (I’d recommend one for bedroom use too). If you have a male partner their perineum is guaranteed a good workout, as the Bodywand is fantastic for a good bit of man stimulation.

The Bodywand will certainly deliver, but be warned it does feel like it might well inflict nerve damage in the process – which I acknowledge for some people is a ringing endorsement. One of the ways to reduce this intense after-effect is by buying a complementary attachment: the Rabbit and G-Spot are made of soft silicone and if you’re a sensitive soul it may be worth the price just to make the Bodywand head feel less hard on your body.

I tested the G-spot addition which came nicely packaged and looked very appealing, but unfortunately I found that the shaft was too flexible to be able to manipulate it to reach the correct spot, rendering it almost entirely ineffective for internal use. However, when I turned it so that the shaft faced away from my body the base of the attachment cushioned the harshness of the Bodywand and proved useful in decreasing the chance of aftershocks of the non-sexy variety. In this way my guess is that the Bodywand Magic Rabbit attachment is a far better bet.

Indeed, the Bodywand is the perfect example of what a great wand can do, and I’d liken it to having sex with a teenage jackhammer rather than a more experienced lover: it may have no finesse whatsoever but it has the energy to keep going relentlessly, and for that there is very much a place for it in every woman’s and man’s life, particularly when you fancy a quickie. If you’re looking for a mains-powered vibrator then the Bodywand ticks every relevant box – especially when you just need a functional self-fuck. Fierce.

The Bodywand Magic Vibrator with UK Plug is available for £59.99 from Bondara

The Bodywand Magic G-Spot attachment is available for £24.90 from Bondara

The Bodywand Magic Rabbit Attachment is available for £24.90 from Bondara

Lovehoney Mains Powered Magic Wand Vibrator

A favourite of Emily, Cliterati’s Editor and all-round sexpert, this Lovehoney Magic Wand may be noisy but it’s also extremely effective – so effective in fact, that if you like the softer touch you may even find the lowest settings too powerful, especially since your sensitivity may vary throughout the month. But since you’re unlikely to be buying a Wand for wining, dining or romancing you might be pleased to hear that this Lovehoney Magic Wand is great for partner play and forced orgasms.

Speaking of which, Emily suggests limiting use to once a week as otherwise the wand could impact negatively on sex toy-free sessions with your partner due to the ease of orgasms reached when using it: unlike other toys you may become dependent on the wand for orgasms because the sensations are so intense. Indeed, it’s not difficult to get addicted to such quick and easy climaxes, and since the Lovehoney Magic Wand can be quite harsh on your clitoris and you might also find yourself becoming de-sensitised over time.

But on the plus side if you’re a woman or man who finds it difficult to climax then the Lovehoney Magic Wand can provide near-instantaneous gratification, which is not to be sniffed at when time is short and patience even shorter. There’s also a Lovehoney Magic Wand Deluxe version which costs ten pounds more than Emily’s version and is quieter, lighter and stronger. Like all good things enjoy in moderation: these wands are so powerful that they’ll hit the spot – whether it’s in your hands or someone else’s. You have been warned!

The Lovehoney Mains Powered Magic Wand is £39.99 from Lovehoney

The Lovehoney Magic Wand Deluxe Mains Powered Massager is £49.99 from Lovehoney

Read about my Top Three Kinky Valentine’s Day Gifts

Toy Review: Doc Johnson Pucker Up Vibrating Clitoral And Vaginal Pump

Having tried several pussy pumps in the past, each of which failed in some way with regards to fit, suction ability, and, sustainability (ie: one particular product actually fell apart in our hands), it was with some trepidation that we approached the Doc Johnson Pucker Up Vibrating Clitoral and Vaginal Pump – not least because its name was one helluva mouthful.

Thankfully, however, this Doc Johnson version did in fact deliver where every other sorry pussy pump had failed: namely the cup remained in place once the pump had been applied (despite a drop of lube), and happily the integral vibrator vibrated as promised. Unfortunately there was no puckering up of the actual vagina (but then surely engorging the vagina with an external labial pump is anatomically impossible, and thus the mere mention of said feature is actually a total misnomer), so we think Pucker Up Vibrating Clitoral Pump is a perfectly adequate title for the product.

Apart from the lengthy and slightly misleading name, there are several areas where this item could be improved with regards to the cup itself: Firstly the shape of the cup could be lengthened to entirely cover the clitoris down to the lower labia; secondly it could be deeper to allow more space for the area to swell (currently it just gives you a teasing taste of the potential for engorgement); and finally the cup could be curved to mimic the shape of the body better.

That said, the Doc Johnson Pucker Up Vibrating Clitoral and Vaginal Pump is a great starting point to explore the fun pussy pumps have to offer: it really does feel fantastically naughty and sexy to have your nether regions inflated and vibrated in this way, and the ultra-sensitivity and tingling that the Pump imparted lasted well over an hour after our session had finished – cheeky! If you’re someone who struggles to reach orgasm, this toy could become an essential part of your foreplay. If on the other hand you climax more easily, just pump and go and ride with the vibes, you lucky lady!

The Doc Johnson Pucker Up Vibrating Clitoral and Vaginal Pump is available from Simply Pleasure for £21.95

Toy Review: My Top 12 Sex Toys of 2012 – Find Your Lover The Perfect Sexy Christmas Gift

Wondering what sexy treat to get your lover for Christmas? Well luckily for you (and for me!) I’ve spent much of this year in pursuit of the perfect sex toy, and many testing hours later I’ve come up with my 2012 Top 12. You can thank me later.

1)      Wooden Dildo by The Kinky Drawer

For sheer beauty and exquisite ‘objet’-ness, these handmade dildos remain unsurpassed. If your lover has generic sex toys aplenty, then this will complete their collection nicely.

They also have a bespoke service where you can design your own wooden dildo, from length and girth to shape and ridges. Mine is modelled on my husband Roger: my dream double-team!

Visit The Kinky Drawer

Mona 2 by Lelo

My all-time favourite vibrator the Lelo Mona just got dumped for a younger model: welcome the Mona 2.

Ticking both G-spot and clit stim boxes, it may be expensive but with vibrations that strong (I – wait for it – had to turn it…down!) it’s worth every goddamn penny. And you can quote me on that.

From packaging to performance, it really is the perfect gift. ‘Nuff said.

The Mona 2 is available from Lelo for £84

3)      Stronic Eins by Fun Factory

A thrusting dildo rather than a vibrator, this is the future of vaginal masturbation, and for good reason it’s the hottest sex toy on the market right now. Best for internal rather than external play, the Stronic is like nothing you’ve ever tried before. It takes a moment or two to get used to using a pulsating product, but once you’re there we guarantee you won’t be going back