By John W. James and Russell Friedman, founders of The Grief Recovery Institute® and authors of The Grief Recovery Handbook.
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Even though grievers seem to be walking though quicksand, they usually have a heightened awareness of what is going on around them. In particular, they are very aware of being judged, evaluated, or criticized. In earlier columns we talked about the killer clichés that are not helpful to grievers. Unhelpful comments almost always encourage the griever to feel some way other than the way they feel. For example; don’t feel sad, you should feel grateful that you had him/her for so long!
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Many years ago Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book entitled On Death and Dying. The book identified five stages that a dying person goes through when they are told that they have a terminal illness. Those stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For many years, in the absence of any other helpful material, well-meaning people incorrectly assigned those same stages to the grief that follows a death or loss. Although a griever might experience some or all of those feeling stages, it is not a correct or helpful basis for dealing with the conflicting feelings caused by loss.
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There are many misconceptions about the pain associated with significant emotional loss. Some relate to the reaction of others, for example: “it’s not fair to burden them with my pain,” or “you have to be strong for others” [mom, dad, kids, etc.]. Some relate to how we think we should be reacting to the loss, for example: “I should be over it by now”, or “I have to keep busy”.
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In the previous blog “Less Than Loved Ones- – -Hopes and Dreams” we touched upon the idea that grievers develop a relationship to their pain, as if their identity hinged on regarding themselves as unhappy. Many people become so familiar with those painful feelings that they are afraid to let them go. If it were not so sad, and if it did not have such dire consequences, one would be tempted to draw a cartoon of someone clinging desperately to a horrible looking creature called “pain,” terrified of losing it. And yet, that is exactly what it looks like.
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