What She Wrote

What Happens Next? A Family Guide to Nursing Home Visits…and More

Preface

June 16,1997. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to  do happened on that day. It was the day I finally had toplace both my parents in a nursing home. They had been living with me for a short period of time after Dad had been hospitalized. Then Dad’s condition deteriorated to the point where it was obvious that he would need round-the-clock nursing care. At this time, Dad was ninety-two and Mother was eighty-six. Mom was already exhibiting signs of dementia so it was clearly dangerous for her to be alone in the house. Besides, after 60 years of marriage, it would have been cruel to separate them. Dad passed away three months later soon after his ninety-third birthday but at this writing, my mother who is almost ninety-two, is still in the nursing home. After six years of visiting with her, I’ve learned a lot of things. I’ve discovered ways in which to make our visits pleasant and satisfying. I have also been a keen observer of other residents and their visitors. I have noticed how so many visitors sit awkwardly in silence while their loved one stares into space, seemingly oblivious to their presence. Worse yet, I’ve encountered numerous residents who never get a visitor. While it is true that distance can be a major factor, it is also apparent to me that the nursing home has, in effect, become a dumping ground for many elderly persons. My research shows that while there is ample material for health care professionals working in assisted living and nursing home care, there isn’t anything written specifically for families. Oh sure, there are plenty of books on choosing the right nursing home, handlingfinancial and legal matters, but that’s where it ends. But in reality, that’s not where it ends for you. The stress of decision-making, handling financial affairs, and making all the necessary arrangements may be over, but now you’ve embarked on another phase of care-giving. You undoubtedly feel guilty about having to place your loved one in a nursing home. You are not alone in feeling this way. You’ve probably heard the saying that “a mother can take care of ten children but ten children can’t take care of one mother”. Hopefully, you will begin to see that the saying is faulty after you have read this manual. Taking care of a loved one goes beyond providing living arrangements. If you establish a good working partnership with the facility you have chosen for your loved one, then your caregiving will take on a new dimension. Ideally, the nursing home you have selected is close enough for you to visit on a weekly basis. But that’s not always the case. We will take up that issue later on. So what happens now? What do you do? Whether you live close by or far away, you’ll find handy tips for making your visits special. This guide takes into consideration a wide range of physical and mental disabilities. There is no need to feel awkward or uncomfortable while visiting your loved one. The term “nursing home” typically evokes a negative connotation for many people. Some facilities are attempting to change the label, using the term “convalescent center” instead. That doesn’t fit for most of the people who need long-term care because they will remain there until they die. While it is true that most nursing homes have convalescent units for short term stays, the term convalescent does not address the status of most of the elderly who are viin need of nursing care. A more appropriate name would be Eldercare Residence. My mother occasionally refers to it as “the hospital”. I’m quick to correct her by saying that it is her residence; that her home is forever with me but that this is a place where she can be cared for because I am unable to do it by myself. I never say “nursing home”.

Here’s what eldercare professionals have said about this book:

“Through a combination of real world knowledge and personal anecdotes, this book will provide both guidance and comfort to families dealing with a very delicate process. It helps people know that what they are feeling is normal and what they are dealing with can be handled with peace of mind and compassion.”

Doug Fusella, Vice President

New Lifestyles Magazine

”The Source for Seniors“

“After 16+ years in the nursing home industry, I have finally found a down-to-earth, easy-to-read manual that truly helps you enjoy time spent with your loved one. Quality of life begins and ends with your involvement. The tips in this manual help you make this an easier transition for both you and your loved one. The author’s first-hand accounts of her experiences are invaluable and provide comfort and support to those entering into this difficult time.”

Phil Gordon, Administrator

Crofton Convalescent & Rehabilitation Ctr.

Crofton, Maryland

 

“Chloe JonPaul’s book What Happens Next? is a must read for everyone with a loved one in a long-term care facility. She offers practical advice for overcoming feelings of awkwardness and ill ease so frequently encountered by visitors. Her dedication and passion for care giving is evidenced through her writing and the many years of experience caring for her parents. Chloe is a blessing to all the unsung heroes caring for family and friends.”

Mary C. Fridley RN, BC

Gero-Resources

Eldercare, Caregiving & Aging Seminars

 

What You Will Find in This Book

Let’s Get Started . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  1

Making Conversation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  4

Games and Activities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   11

Bringing Treats from Home . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   15

Your Loved One’s Personal Space. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17

Are Outings Possible? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  21

Children and Pets . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   23

Including Others. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   25

Sexual Issues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29

Know Your Staff . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31

When You Can’t Be There . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  33

Dealing with Other Family Members . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  35

Things You’re Bound to Hear. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  37

Recordkeeping and Finances. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  39

Taking Care of Yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  43

Appendix . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   45

Suggested Reading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  51

Entering the Age of Elegance: A Rite of Passage & Practical Guide for theModern Maturing Woman

Foreword

When Chloe Jon Paul first told me she was writing this book, I thought it might be interesting. However, I was totally unprepared for the in -depth, thoughtful coverage that is both pragmatic as well as personal. I found myself surprisingly absorbed by the journey that I was invited to go on. Entering The Age of Elegance offers so many complete luggage sets for the journey any modern maturing woman must take that it’s equivalent to entering the best boutique and selecting your perfectly matched set of information for yourself. The beauty of the structure is that although it is written as a linear journey from preplanning to reaching your final destination, you can pick it up at any juncture and find a relevant gem. I particularly like the way Chloe combines sound research with practical advice as well as wisdom culled from her own experience. She takes the rite of passage of later years seriously and obviously wants women over forty to take it seriously as well. Thus, she offers an extraordinarily detailed roadmap—better than any found on most travel guides or even Map Quest. Upon turning fifty, I too, sought help with my new transition. As a psychologist, I also wanted to help guide my age mates with knowledge I had gleaned. I believed my purpose in life was to educate, mentor and hopefully in the process leave a legacy. Thus, I founded the online e-zine www.FiftyandFurthermore.com. Although I had fellow travelers writing on the site, sometimes I still felt alone in my journey. However, upon reading this book, I knew I had found a fellow traveling companion who could be friend, mentor and a genuine person to simply hang out with and talk. And, if I couldn’t always meet her in person, all I had to do was open one of her generously shared, carefully labeled suitcases and know that I was not alone. In this day and age of too fast everything, the art of gracious giving is too often overlooked. Entering The Age of Elegance is a generous gift to anyone who picks it up. Whether one gravitates to big picture concepts or fine line drawings, there is something special for you. Each chapter is filled with layer upon layer of information; rather like opening multiple jewel boxes nested within each other, each containing a jewel of value. As I opened each carefully selected travel case, I felt blessed with surprise gifts As Chloe Jon Paul begins and ends in her Litany of Elegance: “Blessed is the woman who affirms herself each day… Blessed is the woman who zeroes in on the qualities that will help her become… A Woman of Elegance,” I’ll add: Blessed is the woman who reads this book.

Dr. Dorree Lynn, Psychologist, Author, Lecturer,

Founder/Editor-in-Chief of www.FiftyandFurthermore.com

 

This Business of Children

Prologue ~Vera’s Message to the Reader

This is not the book I intended to write.  After thirty years of teaching, I had planned to write a scholarly report on the dilemma of the elementary school teacher. Something I have witnessed and lived for thirty years. It was going to be a documentary that the National Educators Association and the American Federation of Teachers would acclaim as insightful, necessary.  Book reviewers and talk show hosts would applaud it as the answer to what has been termed “crisis in education.” It might have even led to invitations to lecture across the country.  Elementary school teachers would cluck approvingly that at last their side of the story had been told. That’s what my husband Preston and I would talk and joke about every time I mentioned that someday I was going to sit down and write that book.

For years I had collected notes and clippings which illustrated the major problems in education today: parental apathy, lack of materials, class size, inadequate teacher salaries, the perennial lament over non-teaching duties.

It was a stunning array of issues and concerns.  A candy shop assortment.  And I had only to pick and elaborate.  It would have been a snap.  After all, you don’t survive thirty years in this business of children without acquiring some expertise; some sense of what is right and what is wrong in education.

My up-coming retirement would provide me with time to ponder; to gain a true perspective on things.  Like great generals and ex-presidents who write their memoirs in order to document historical events from their point of view, I felt it my mission to set the record straight on the plight of elementary education.  Three decades of classroom teaching certainly entitled me to say something, especially after I had maintained a respectable silence for so long.

But everything changed this year.

The year of my retirement.

The year when, after we watched the Challenger blow up, Dee said to me, “Christ, Vera, there it is – the ultimate shaft of teachers.”

The year we lost Stu.

The year when Mark said to Dee, “Dammit!  If you care enough, you’ll stay and fight!”

The year when our teachers’ union won its biggest gains ever.

The year when I learned the biggest lesson of my professional life.

Yes, I could have written a scholarly thesis on the plight of the elementary school teacher.  I could have written in neat, concise terms just the way I did for my Master’s thesis (Boston U. 1960), but I know now that I’ll never be able to do that because the story that claws at my brain and keeps me awake nights has to be told.

The problem is that I am not a writer of stories.  I’m just a puffy-eyed, overweight retired fourth grade teacher who should know better and just keep her mouth shut.

But I can’t.

Not after what happened to Dee or Mark or Stu.  Not after what happened to me.

So if you’ll bear with me, I’ll try to tell you what happened.

This isn’t an easy story to tell.

 

What Others Are Saying About This Book

Chloe JonPaul has written an intimate portrait of the life of a teacher, from the inside. The emphasis is on the relationships and struggles — interpersonal, moral and professional — that make up the fabric of our lives. This is a powerful book.

-     Anthony Cody

Teacher, Oakland, California schools

Living in Dialogue blog

 

“This Business of Children” is a book that I couldn’t put down. I was drawn into the four main characters who were described so realistically that any teacher could identify with them. I kept turning the pages to find out what happens to them. This is one book that every teacher, parent and politician should read.

- Marjan Glavac elementary school teacher with 29 years teaching experience  author, editor, teacher

London Ontario Canada

www.TeachingIs.com www.HowToMakeADifference.com

www.TheBusyEducator.com

Media is constantly reporting the horrors of the education system; this book brings it home. A gripping novel!

This Business of Children is not a book for the faint-hearted; it is a must read for anyone who cares about our future. Awareness and action are paramount to achieving change.

Jacqueline Fairbrass, CEO Feeling Absolutely Fabulous LLC

“Chloe JonPaul has captured a period of time in the United States in which educators were working under conditions similar to today. Anyone reading her novel should be able to understand why teachers feel that the system is stacked against them and their students.”

-  Marty Hittelman, President

California Federation of Teachers

Veteran teacher Vera Harriss looks forward to “winding down and easing out” as she begins her last school year before retiring. Little does she know that what she and her fellow fourth grade teachers will face instead will be an incredible mix of euphoria and devastation. Author JonPaul has penned a realistic tale that is not to be missed, especially if you care about teachers and the future of our school systems.

-  Anne L. Holmes, “Boomer in Chief,”

National Association of Baby Boomer

Women – www.nabbw.com

Chloe JonPaul has poignantly portrayed the teaching profession in an authentic, pleasantly entertaining style.  Her engrossing tale uses an elementary school setting familiar to every reader (We all remember the trek through our year of fourth grade.) capturing the essence of its complexity and its interdependent impact on everyone.   Remarkably, Chloe creates descriptive, fast -paced, succinct, and intriguing dialogue that moves the reader in and out of the emotional lives of the story’s characters.

The author has done what few non-fictional and biographical educational writers have been able to do: Chloe has captured a glimpse of teachers, teaching, and their private lives complete with the roles, routines, and rituals of every day struggles, all the while depicting the anguish of unforgettable , abused, forlorn kids.

- Bill Page, teacher and author of At-Risk Students: Feeling Their Pain; Understanding  Their Plight; and Accepting Their Defensive Ploys. He has written 60 articles for www.teachers.net/Gazette.  His articles are available in the archives at that site

This Business of Children is a gripping tale that should not be missed! Whether you are a teacher, parent, policy leader, or interested citizen, this inside perspective, positioned in a realistic novel, is a must read!

Sandy Fivecoat

Founder, WeAreTeachers.com