All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 22Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).

salmon.wav(110K) salmon.mp3(51K) salmon.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan Huff (Will Ferrell): "I didn't want salmon! I said it four times!"

callhimdad.wav(393K) callhimdad.mp3(179K) callhimdad.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "I'm not gonna call him dad."
Nancy Huff (Mary Steenburgen): "Brennan, you're 39 years old. I would not expect you to call him Dad."
Brennan: "Well, I'm not going to, ever, even if there's a fire! Robert better not get in my face... because I'll drop that motherbleeper"

options.wav(227K) options.mp3(104K) options.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "I'm just saying, I think you gotta think about your options. I know that you are technically married now, but that does not mean that they have to live here."

weremen.wav(435K) weremen.mp3(198K) weremen.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale Doback (John C. Reilly): "Dad, we're men, okay? That means a few things. We like to shit with tho door open. We talk about pussy. We go on riverboat-gambling trips. We make our own beef jerky. That's what we do. And now that is all wrecked."
Dr. Robert Doback (Richard Jenkins): "We literally have never done any of those things."

johnshopkins.wav(525K) johnshopkins.mp3(239K) johnshopkins.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Where did he go to medical school?"
Nancy: "He went to Northwestern an Johns Hopkins. Is that good enough for you?"
Brennan: "No, it's not."
Nancy: "Well, Brennan, those are very prestigious schools."
Brennan: "I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins."
Nancy: "You don't know anyone named Johnny Hopkins."
Brennan: "It was Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering and they were blazing that shit up every day."

scenario.wav(584K) scenario.mp3(265K) scenario.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Alright, here's a scenario for you, Dad. Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good. I've got a luscious V of hair going from my chest pubes down to my ball-fro. And she takes one look at me, and she goes: 'Oh, my god. I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf.' And she grabs me by the wiener..."
Robert: "Shut the bleep up!"

righthand.wav(276K) righthand.mp3(126K) righthand.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Nancy: "Hi, Dale."
Dale: "Hey, Nancy. Could you make me a grilled-cheese sandwich?"
Nancy: "Sure."
Robert: "No. Dale just ate. He's testing you to see how much he can get away with?"
Nancy: "I see."
Dale: "I'm hungry."
Robert: "Look in your right hand. (He has a donut in his right hand)"

havetocallme.wav(282K) havetocallme.mp3(129K) havetocallme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Hey."
Dale: "Hey."
Brennan: "I'm Brennan."
Dale: "I'm Dale. But you have to call me Dragon."
Brennan: "You have to call me Nighthawk."

kungfu.wav(501K) kungfu.mp3(228K) kungfu.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Nancy: "Dale was telling me that he's really into kung fu and I was telling him that you're really into kung fu as well."
Brennan: "I have a green belt. Read it and weep."
Dale: "I don't believe in belts. There should be no ranking system for toughness. But one time I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with by bare hands."
Robert: "That's not true, Dale. Don't be ridiculous."

fantasyleague.wav(250K) fantasyleague.mp3(114K) fantasyleague.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Nancy: "So, Dale, what have you been working on recently?"
Dale: "Well, I manage a baseball team."
Nancy: "Little league?"
Dale: "Fantasy league."

icansingtoo.wav(352K) icansingtoo.mp3(160K) icansingtoo.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "I can sing too. In fact I'll sing right now. (singing) If you wanna get down on these hairy balls..."
Robert: "Hey."
Dale: "...Why don't you jump right in?..."
Robert: "Hey!"
Dale: "...It's a crotch party right up in here..."
Robert: "Stop it!"
Dale: "...Why don't you lick on this big joint?"
Robert: "Stop it, Dale! Stop it! Stop it!"

sofunny.wav(108K) sofunny.mp3(50K) sofunny.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Ha, ha. That's so funny, the last time I head that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur."

thetour.wav(993K) thetour.mp3(451K) thetour.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "If there's any foods that you like, I suggest you put your name on them, or they will be thrown out... by me. Uh, house was built in 1825 by General Custer. I wanna show you this room. Um, hold up. Ho, ho! You see this room?"
Brennan: "Yeah."
Dale: "Okay, here's the deal. This is my office and my beat laboratory. Okay? And this is the one rule of the house: Don't ever, ever, ever... touch my drum set. You understand?"
Brennan: "Don't go in there and..."
Dale: "No touching!"
Brennan: "Alright!"
Dale: "There. I was about six there. You don't want to see me go to ten. Get your shit. We're going to my room."

myhousenow.wav(988K) myhousenow.mp3(449K) myhousenow.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learned doctors."
Brennan: "You're not a doctor. You're a big, fat, curly-headed bleep."
Dale: "Oh, yeah?"
Brennan: "Yeah."
Dale: "I'm a curly-headed bleep?"
Brennan: "Yeah. You better not go to sleep. As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna punch you square in the face."
Dale: "I hope you stay still when you sleep, because I'm putting a rat trap between your legs."
Brennan: "I'm gonna take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you."
Dale: "I want you out of my bleeping house."
Brennan: "No way, kemosabe, this is my house now."

fudale.wav(68K) fudale.mp3(32K) fudale.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Bleep you, Dale! Bleep you!"

touchmydrumset.wav(1393K) touchmydrumset.mp3(632K) touchmydrumset.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Hey, man. Did you touch my drum set?"
Brennan: "Nope."
Dale: "It's just weird 'cause seems like someone definitely touched my drum set."
Brennan: "Yeah, that is weird. Because I didn't touch 'em."
Dale: "Hey! Did you touch my drum set?!"
Brennan: "Hey, knock it off!"
Dale: "I know you touched my drumstick, because the left one has a chip in it."
Brennan: "You bleeping crazy, man? You sound insane, do you realize that? You should be medicated."
Dale: "Bleep you , Brennan. I know you touched my drum set. And I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it."
Brennan: "You get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass."
Dale: "You swear on your mom's life that you didn't touch it then!"
Brennan: "I don't have to swear to shit!"
Dale: "That's 'cause you bleeping touched my drum set, 'cause I know Cops doesn't start till 4. Where you going?"
Brennan: "I'm going upstairs. Because I'm gonna put my nut sack on your drum set. Okay?"
Dale: "Don't do that. I am warning you right now: If you touch my drums, I will stab you in the neck with a knife!"

intheneck.wav(329K) intheneck.mp3(150K) intheneck.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Where you going?"
Brennan: "I'm going upstairs. Because I'm gonna put my nut sack on your drum set. Okay?"
Dale: "Don't do that. I am warning you right now: If you touch my drums, I will stab you in the neck with a knife!"

makesyougay.wav(183K) makesyougay.mp3(84K) makesyougay.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "You're drum set's a whore! I teabagged your bleeping drum set!"
Dale: "Well, my drum ste's a guy, so that makes you gay, you bleeper!"

whatthe.wav(42K) whatthe.mp3(20K) whatthe.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Nancy: "What the bleeping bleep!"

notaraper.wav(424K) notaraper.mp3(193K) notaraper.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Nancy: "Today I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon. You yelled 'rape' at the top of your lungs."
Brennan: "Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, 'Let's get it on.'"
Dale: "That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper."

testicles.wav(204K) testicles.mp3(93K) testicles.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Look, I didn't touch your drum set, okay?"
Dale: "I witnessed with my own eyes your testicles touching my drum set."
Robert: "Alright that's it! That's it!"

notelevision.wav(506K) notelevision.mp3(230K) notelevision.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Robert: "Alright that's it! That's it! You two guys leave me no choice. No television for a week."
Dale and Brennan: "What?!"
Nancy: "We are so serious, guys."
Brennan: "You're bleeping high!"
Dale: "Are you out of your mind?"
Nancy: "This goes in Robert's wall safe..."
Brennan: "Come on!"
Nancy: "...and it's gonna stay there."
Dale: "No!"
Robert: "Okay."
Brennan: "This house is a bleeping prison!"
Dale: "On Planet Bullshit!"
Brennan: "In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!"

prison.wav(150K) prison.mp3(69K) prison.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "This house is a bleeping prison!"
Dale: "On Planet Bullshit!"
Brennan: "In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!"

dreams.wav(251K) dreams.mp3(114K) dreams.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Nancy: "Guys. Guys! Guys!"
Brennan: "I'll kill you , Leonard Nimoy."
Dale: "The clown has no penis."
Nancy: "What kind of dreams are you guys having?"

timemachine.wav(229K) timemachine.mp3(105K) timemachine.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "You know what? I still hate you but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags."
Dale: "Yeah, I got 'em from the '70s, '80s and '90s. It's like masturbating in a time machine."

butthole.wav(155K) butthole.mp3(71K) butthole.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Hey, Derek, you know what's always good for shoulder pain?"
Derek Huff (Adam Scott): "What?"
Brennan: "If you lick my butthole."
Dale: "Snap!"

pleasure.wav(477K) pleasure.mp3(217K) pleasure.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alice Huff (Kathryn Hahn): "Hi, I'm Alice, I'm Derek's wife."
Dale: "Hi."
Alice: "Uh, is it true that you struck Derek in the face and he fell from the tree house?"
Dale: "Yeah. He asked me to."
Alice: "Oh, that's the most amazing thing I've ever heard. Um, I want you to know that tonight am gonna pleasure myself to the image of you doing that to Derek. You know what I mean? Masturbate. I am."

littleball.wav(720K) littleball.mp3(327K) littleball.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Alice: "Oh, Dale. You are something. You are something."
Dale: "You're something too."
Alice: "I wanna roll you up into a little ball and shove you up my vagina. You could just live there. It's warm and it's cozy."
Dale: "In your vagina?"
Alice: "I wanna walk around with you in there and just know that whenever I feel a little tickle or scratch that it's just your hair up my vagina. Please, just do it for me."
Dale: "What's happening?"

randyjackson.wav(470K) randyjackson.mp3(214K) randyjackson.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Whoa."
Brennan: "See that black smudge right there on the blade?"
Dale: "Yeah."
Brennan: "Look at it closely. Pretty recognizable signature."
Dale: "No."
Brennan: "Randy Jackson from American Idol."
Dale: "Why do you have Randy Jackson's autograph on a martial-arts weapon?"
Brennan: "'Cause I bumped into him and all I had on me was this samurai sword and you're not gonna not get Randy Jackson's autograph, Right?"
Dale: "I would've done the exact same thing."

nightvision.wav(242K) nightvision.mp3(111K) nightvision.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Industrial-strength night-vision goggles."
Brennan: "Holy Santa Clause shit. Can you imagine if we had these when we were 12?"
Dale: "Even better. We got them when we're 40."

santa.wav(48K) santa.mp3(23K) santa.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Holy Santa Clause shit."

playagame.wav(595K) playagame.mp3(271K) playagame.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Dale: "Let's play a game, alright? On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don't even think about it, just name it. Ready? One, two three..."
Both: "Velociraptor."
Brennan: "Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to."
Both: "Good Housekeeping."
Brennan: "If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with?"
Both: "John Stamos."
Dale: "What?!"
Brennan: "Did we just become best friends?"
Dale: "Yep!"
Brennan: "Do you wanna go do karate in the garage?"
Dale: "Yup!"

bunkbeds.wav(1382K) bunkbeds.mp3(627K) bunkbeds.m4r(iPhone ringtone)

Brennan: "Is this a bad time?"
Robert: "What the hell's going on?"
Brennan: "Mom, Mr. Doback, okay, Dale and I were just---"
Robert: "Please stop calling me Mr. Doback. Okay?"
Brennan: "Sorry. Okay, Mom, Doback... We think it would be very prudent--"
Dale: "Can we turn our beds into bunk beds? "
Brennan: "Yes."
Nancy: "Why are you guys so sweaty?"
Dale: "Alright, we've already figured out how. The beds match up perfectly."
Brennan: "And here's the thing. It'll give us so much extra space in our room to do activities."
Dale: "Please say yes."
Robert: "You don't need permission from us to build bunk beds. You're adults. You can do what you want."
Dale: "So...?"
Robert: "I'm not making myself clear. I don't give a bleep. Now, you both have several interviews tomorrow. I would think you'd be focused on that and not building bunk beds."
Dale and Bnennan: "So...?"
Brennan: "We can? No?"
Nancy: "Yes."