Category — Fun and Randomness

Something about spring always makes me want to buy new shoes. Of course, considering my current predicament (namely, the fact that I can’t wear shoes) it doesn’t look like I’ll be buying any anytime soon.

But a girl can look, right?

So because I can’t wear shoes and you can, I thought maybe I could point you to a few I’m eyeing up in case you might want to buy them, therefore enabling me to live out my shoe fantasies through you. I’d tell you to take pictures, but that sounds creepy.

These Kate Spade heels are fun and sunny. They’d be perfect for a summer wedding.

I think these chartreuse Badgley Mishka heels would be perfect for a formal wedding. (No, I don’t have any weddings to attend this summer. Why do you ask?) I love the color.

I’m in love with this idea: Hunter boots’ cute flats. Because walking in the rain in regular flats sucks.

Yes, I can technically wear sandals, but I think all the knotting would irritate my skin and, knowing my body, just cause me to flare. And yet they’re so cute…

These would be really cute with a Zooey Deschanel-type outfit. I’d feel all sorts of girly.

Okay, and do these not scream Audrey Hepburn. They had black, which technically be even more Hepburn-esque but I couldn’t pass by the pink. It’s summer after all.

I’m pretty sure it’s the color of these heels that won me over. Apparently I have a thing for pink this season. It’s pretty unusual since normally my shoes are all black. I bet if I were really going to buy most of these I’d chicken out, get all practical, and go with black.

Honestly, these are just fun. But I’ll probably end up with something like this:

Not the cutest, but it’s better than Tevas.

So, anyone want to let me live my dream of adorable feet through them?

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Lust
You’re minding your own business, slowly counting down the minutes until the clock hits 5 when it happens. A craving. And not just any craving. You want it more than oxygen. There’s a bag of carrots waiting for you in the kitchen, but… You feed the lust by searching for images of the food online, as if the pixels on the screen can fill the void in your heart. And stomach.

Flirting
You’re not ready to commit—yet—so you test the waters. Maybe you go to the convenience store around the corner from work and just look at the candy bars dressed up so pretty. You pick one up, test out a few more. Or maybe you head to Starbucks, casting sideways glances at the glass case. The more you try to resist, the more you want it.

Jealousy
It’s not the right time, for you or for the food. You were about to believe that when the hot blonde chick with a waist the size of Barbie chirps her order for the very thing you’ve been lusting over for at least 30 minutes. How could she? That pastry and you were meant to be together, not the first floozy who threw herself at it. And now you know without a doubt that you must give in.

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Ecstasy
How could you have imagined a life without this food and all of its sugary/fatty/salty goodness? Everything is perfect now. If someone stuck you with a pin you probably wouldn’t know because your mind is somewhere between layers of Red Velvet cake and cheesecake frosting and nothing can hurt you now. There’s a good chance all of your problems will be solved by the time you’re done licking the cupcake wrapper.

Regret
Why did I do that? Everyone’s staring at me. Oh my gosh, I’m that girl who makes out with her foot in public. How did I not notice all of the looks—or the piece of paper with “get a room” scrolled across it that someone lay on the table? Why did you do this to me? Expletive! You knew my resolve was weak and I was having a bad hair day and YOU TEASED ME ANYWAY AND NOW LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE. WE’RE OVER.

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Pleading
I know I left you in the fridge with a stinky baloney sandwich and someone’s leftover Indian takeout while I cheated on you with something so rich and decadent all the girls want it. It was meaningless. You’re my true love. I NEED YOU TO LOVE ME AGAIN SO WE CAN GO HOME AND I CAN EAT A GIANT SALAD AND ALL WILL BE RIGHT WITH THE WORLD AGAIN. ALSO, YOU LOOK ESPECIALLY RIPE TODAY.

Make up
You will never do that again. You will make all of the healthy foods feel loved and cherished every time you open the fridge. You will dream about them at work and nothing else. And if you’re hungry you’ll eat them and enjoy it more than you enjoyed the Food That Shall Not Be Named. It was a fling, you tell yourself. A stupid, childish thing. But you’re smarter now. You know better.

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Temptation
Oh, hi.

Hey guys, I’m also guest posting today on MizFit’s blog. If you want to head over there and read my post on dealing with exercise injuries or illnesses, I would smile so big my cheeks hurt.

I was reading the New York Times’ Well column where Tara Parker-Pope asked readers to sum up their mother in six words. Since Mother’s Day is fast approaching, I thought I’d give it a try:

With a word to spare.

What six words would describe your mom or motherhood?

And while we’re at it, add your personal health (fitness, nutrition, chronic pain, wellbeing or some aspect of healthy living) motto using six words or less. Mine:

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1. I had a realization last night that it was, in fact, Tuesday instead of Wednesday.

2. I might have banged my head on my computer.

3. All that got me was bgjriw’z.

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4. I find this guy insanely awesome. Also, I love his accent.

5. There’s a very real chance I may break my Everything-Free diet on Nicole’s cheesecake-stuffed strawberries. Have Mercy.

6. I’m majorly excited to see this. I also can’t wait for this or this.

7. I realize I just revealed my true geekiness to you. Please love me anyway.

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8. Last night, I really wanted to watch another episode of My So Called Life.

9. But I also wanted to get more than five hours of sleep.

10. Jordan Catalano’s lean won.*

11. In other news, anyone know a caffeine free way to stay awake?

Your turn: Spill some of your “truths” for the day.

*If you don’t know who Jordan Catalano is and you were born after 1987, please don’t tell me. I feel old enough already.

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Thanks for your garden recommendations yesterday. You’ve convinced me to go for the strawberries. Of course now I wish they popped up in, like, two days.

Patience is not my greatest virtue. Or even one of my virtues, really.

So you know how annoying it is to shop for pants? In one store you’re a 2 but in H&M you’re a 22.* Or you might be a 4 in one style but a 6 in another.

I read an article in the New York Times about this new machine that helps narrow down the choices. It’s called MyBestFit, a booth that scans your body using low-frequency radio waves and then prints a list of places where you should shop—including which styles will fit you and in which size.

(So, Banana Republic Martin Fit 4, Banana Republic Jones Fit, 6.)

The company only works with a select group of stores, but I image that’ll change when every woman on earth who hates pants shopping starts scanning herself.

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Too-short pants makes her angsty.

What I can’t tell is whether the machine takes length into question. Before you all yell at me like, “YES! I always have to hem my pants!” I’d like to say that hemming pants is a lot easier than adding fabric.

My problem was that they were never long enough if I planned to wear shoes. Of course, that’s not a problem now, seeing as I can’t wear shoes. But that’s not the point. The point is, it sucks when you’re trying on a pair of pants and they stop above the ankle. A seamstress can’t really help there. So you have two options:

1. Don’t wear pants.
2. Buy them in a size larger.

About that second one… You may not know this (unless you’re tall), but length gets longer with size. So a size 2 has very short legs. A size 16 has a lot of length. It can be a problem for tall size 2s. That’s the reason I wore pants a size too big during high school. I’d wear a belt, but it’d do that annoying thing where the pants fold into a hump.

(Note: Not cool. Also, not really attractive.)

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Anyhow. The Times article also had a crazy statistic I wanted to share with you:

“A woman with a 32-inch bust would have worn a Size 14 in Sears’s 1937 catalog. By 1967, she would have worn an 8, Ms. Zulli found.”

I’m really hoping that most people in the ’30s wore larger sizes. Because I’m pretty sure you’d have to be 12 to fit into their version of a size 6.

FINALLY!! It would, of course, be easier to just to size all pants like they do for men. (After years of failing at jean searching, I gave up and went designer, which follows men’s sizing.) Instead of jumping into a fitting booth, each pair of pants would have a width and inseam.

No brainer. I’m not sure why women’s pants are sized differently, unless The Powers That Be think changing their sizes nonstop (and creating pants like 000000) builds our self-esteem—and lead$ to lot$ of $ale$.

What do you think? Would you use one of these booths? Or do you see another solution? And what’s the most annoying thing about pants shopping for you?

*Is it just me or does anyone else go up five sizes in that store?

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I’m halfway through revisions on my book. It sounds like I’ve made good progress, but really I should have said I’m only halfway through revisions. I’m rewriting a ton, which takes even longer.

Anyhow, because the book won’t revise itself (I know, what a douche) I must do it. Maybe when I’m closer to being done, I’ll post a teaser for you guys. I’m not sure. I’d be pretty embarrassed if you all hated it and commented like, “That passage was interesting.” We all know “interesting” is just code for pretty much any negative word you can think of:

Is that your baby? How interesting…

That’s your new shirt? Hm, interesting…

What do I think of your detailed plan? Well, interesting.

That’s an interesting choice of color for your walls.

You get it.

Anyhow, because I’m working on this book I’m leaving you with this awesome video:

It’s better than anything I could have written right now.

Pick a side: Buffy or Edward?

Thank you all for my birthday wishes. I wish we could have celebrated together. Oh, what the heck! Here, let’s feast:

Mmm…cupcakes.
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Dig in. Calories don’t count when they’re made of 1s and 0s.

I was thinking about the tragic day that is my birthday and I thought I’d give you guys a history lesson. But instead of being totally doom and gloom, I’ll also reveal some other people who were born on April 19.

THE GOOD

I’m sure there are plenty of lovely people born the same day as me. I know two, actually: a friend and my second cousin. And my college roommate was born today, which I think totally counts. But here are some famous people I share the day with:

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James Franco
YES THIS IS FOR REAL. The people googling him and finding my site are going to flip.

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Hayden Christensen

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Ashley Judd

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Kate Hudson

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The Sundance Kid, yes that Sundance Kid

THE BAD

The Shot Heard ‘Round the World
Yep, the Revolutionary War started on my birthday. I know this is technically a good thing being that we got our independence and all, but I’m sticking it in this list on account of the fact that it was a war.

Since I grew up near Concord, I went to a reenactment one year on my birthday. We camped out on the Concord green late April 18 until early morning April 19, waiting for someone to get a little too trigger happy and shoot the bullet that started the battle of Lexington and Concord—which became the Revolutionary War.

Waco, Texas
Let’s move on to something a little more tragic, OK? A 51-day standoff between the Branch Davidian sect and the FBI ended in a fire that burnt the group’s compound and killed a bunch of members and their leader.

Oklahoma City Bombing
Oh age 13 how I’ll always remember you as the year Timothy McVeigh blew up the Federal Building in Oklahoma City.

BUT IT CONTINUES…

You’d think after so many tragedies, April 20 would be amazing by comparison. You’d be wrong. Because…

Hitler
Yes, he was born today. And years later on my birthday, the Germans, under Hitler’s rule, established the Majdan-Tatarski ghetto in Poland.

Columbine
That’s right, the day after I turned 17 two kids went in and shot up their high school. Somehow that’s all I remember of that birthday.

Deepwater Horizon
And then, last year, this giant oil rig exploded, killing a bunch of workers and spilling oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

But let’s end on a high note, shall we? Me and Franco are birthday buds.

Or, um, he likes to decapitate me and hold up his kill because he’s kind of weird.

Who shares your birthday?

So it’s Tuesday and I’m working and everything is just like it was last Tuesday.

Only today I’m 29.

Which doesn’t even feel old considering my body’s 87. So really I’m regressing.

I think this calls for a gluten-free goat cheese pizza celebration. Don’t you?

In honor of Friday, I have used this website to translate my post into 12-year-old:

CH3K OUT THES VIEDO OF A BABY PANDA SNEZNG!1111!!1 OMG WTF LOL (BUT UM DON’T DO IT AT WORK SINCE TAHT’S ONCE FEIRC3—AND LOUD—SNEZ3)!1!!1 OMG LOL PAY PARTICULAR ATENTION 2 TEH MMA BAR’S REACTION!

O!1!111!! WTF LOL AND CLIK HARE FOR A FUNY TAEK ON HOMELAND S3CURITY GUIEDLIENS.

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FINALY!111!1!1 OMG LOL CHEK OUT THES AEWSOM3 SALAD RECIEP!1!1!1! ITS FOR AN APLE AND F3NEL SALAD!111!!!

HAEV A GOD WEK3ND GUYS!1111!1

*And that is why you should be happy I’m 28.

Hope you guys found yesterday’s post interesting. I love seeing what makes people read (and keep reading) blogs. So thank you for enlightening me.

Today I wanted to address your comments on the “What do you want to see more of on this blog?” and “What do you want to see less of on this blog?” questions. And since yesterday’s post was longer than the T second of the dictionary I thought I’d keep this one relatively short.

More, Please

Personal Stories
A lot of you mentioned you’d like to see more personal stories and day-to-day stuff. You know, I always fear boring you with the minutia of my life, but if you want to hear it, I’ll write it. It may not be in every post (because—and I’m not exaggerating—my life is boring) but I plan to add more daily musings here and there. I’ve also been thinking about adding more photos when it’s appropriate.

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Vlogs
It’s funny because I was just thinking about doing a vlog the other day. I won’t say when (that’s code for I haven’t decided what I want to blog about), but you can definitely look forward to this in the future.

He’s smiling inside. I couldn’t capture a candid smile and The Man’s phony smile is, um, phony.

The Man
Whoever said they want more of The Man is now his favorite. Before giving in to this request, I had a chat with The Man. It went like this:*

ME: Some people want to see more of you on my blog. Can I post about you more often?

THE MAN: Sure, I guess.

Pause.

THE MAN: If my fans demand me.

If his head blows up to the size of a watermelon, I’m blaming you.

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