Webmasters, 57 of 57

Webcomics Beacon has a list I made of the 16 biggest stories in comics this year. Above the list is a podcast where we discussed all 16 items (and I learned a few new things, especially about the Stop Online Piracy Act). If you like podcasts or lists, these are worth your time!

And just for completeness’ sake, Crossword Fiend has another end-of-year list of mine.

This list is probably going to feel a little tossed-off. I realized about halfway through it that it was going to be the last one in Fans for a while. The reason is simple: I started these lists as (1) fun, (2) a bit of promotion and (3) a way to focus my ideas for the sake of upcoming comics. I promised myself I’d let them go if they seemed to be getting in the way of more important things, and I can definitely feel that starting to happen now. For all that I like to impress you guys with volume of output, there have got to be priorities.

Still, as we head into the conclusion of “Singles Night,” honor demands tribute to some of the body-swap stories that have inspired us up to this point.

10. Mulholland Drive. This is a beautifully WTH movie, so much so that I’m only 70% sure it qualifies as a body-swap concept. I find David Lynch’s brand of insanity wears thin with multiple exposures, but his originality means it’s worth seeing one picture of his, and you could do a lot worse than this one.

9. Face/Off. The ridiculously over-the-top plot outline and the mixed history of its stars almost kept me away from this one. I’m glad I gave in. John Woo delivers the action, and the actors deliver their goofy, funny lines with all the panache the exercise requires. Plus: doves. Many, many doves.

8. All of Me. This film is to Steve Martin what Aladdin is to Robin Williams: an ideal vehicle for his personalized brand of comedy. It is not really that great of a plot and the characters aren’t overwhelmingly likable, but the witty episodes, and seeing Martin play two parts in one, make it all worthwhile.

7. I Will Fear No Evil. This classic Heinlein novel is something of a mixed bag. The concept of a deceased personality lingering in a recycled body with a new inhabitant, and their peaceful coexistence, is nifty, and some of Heinlein’s ideas about technology and sexual relations are very forward-looking. It might be one of the most important works on this list. But man, the internal dialogues just go on and on and on.

6. Justice League Unlimited: “The Great Brain Robbery.” I could do a top ten list composed of nothing but quotes from this episode. Its two sides are perfectly balanced: Lex Luthor-as-Flash comes within inches of escaping the JLU headquarters to wreak havoc on Earth (action), and Flash-as-Luthor tries to fool dozens of dangerous supervillains into thinking he’s their leader (comedy). The best part is how it’s set up: Luthor-as-Luthor was already seeming unstable, so it’s just barely conceivable that Flash can pull off his con for as long as he does.

5. Teen Titans: “Switched.” Teen Titans the cartoon was a frustrating series, wildly inconsistent about its characters’ power levels. But when it was on, it was on, and “Switched” was one of its best installments, sticking sunny Starfire and emo Raven not only with each other’s bodies, but with each others’ emotion-dependent powers.

4. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: “Who Are You?” In the course of stealing Buffy’s body and identity, Faith finally learns two important things she’s always refused to learn before: 1) Good people exist. 2) She is not one of them. Sarah Michelle Gellar turns in one of the best performances of her career.

3. Futurama: “The Prisoner of Benda.” This episode had a new mathematical principle written for it, fo’ reals. And not even to keep track of its six plots. Like many of the best Futuramas, this one takes an SF concept further than anyone ever has, making it absurd and functional all at once.

2. Freaky Friday (book, 1976/2003 films). Don’t make me choose. The book is, moment by moment, the funniest incarnation of the story. Something crucial was lost when the movies took the story out of the teenage protagonist’s voice. But something crucial was likewise gained when the films conceded that Mommy doesn’t always know best, and that the body-swap might be equally difficult for both parties. One film has Jodie Foster and a flavor of Disney schmaltz that went best with the Seventies. The other has Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan back before Lindsay got embarrassing. In any version, it’s a story about compassion, like many of the others on this list, only more focused on that.

1. Being John Malkovich. Man, I don’t even want to spoil it. You deserve to see this movie. It’s good for you.

5. Superhero Nation. Surprisingly, this is a blog about writing, with an emphasis on superhero stories. Good basic education and thoughts for the superhero-fixated beginner.

4. Black Superhero Fan. If you are perhaps a wee bit obsessive about the superhero genre, and the representation of race therein, is this ever the blog for you. Updated faithfully several times a week, it’s a reliable first source for your cultural-studies thesis, or just a little self-education about the evolution of racial identity in a pop-cultural lens.

3. The Daily Batman. It’s hard to articulate the beauty of a pop-cultural phenomenon: it unites so many disparate sources into a new argot. The Daily Batman is an online time-released museum of all things Batman, and a look at the permutations hundreds of minds can bring to a single concept.

2. Superhero Twitter Feeds. Okay, it’s not a blog, but it has RSS like a blog, you can check it regularly like a blog… it’s close enough. Blogs allegedly authored by superheroes don’t really grab me: the joke’s tough to sustain and the layouts seem out of character in all the wrong, unfunny ways. But Twitter feeds, those are about as long as a speech balloon, and they just seem to suit the characters’ voices– or a distorted version of same– better. This curated list collects the cream of the crop– DRUNKHULK, JJONAHJAMESON, God_Damn_Batman, HOBODARKSEID, Not_Mark_Millar and feministhulk.

1. Law and the Multiverse. Daredevil, Wolff & Byrd and She-Hulk have toyed with the idea of superhero worlds as fodder for legal drama, but the latter two are comedies that don’t delve deeply into their subject, and frankly, the author of Law and the Multiverse makes Matt Murdock look like a one-L. Fascinating stuff with meat on the bone– worth coming back to again and again, if you’re interested in the theoretical questions superheroes’ existence raises.

As usual with these lists, this is something I pulled out of my keister that’s barely masquerading as authoritative. I just picked what sounded progressively dumbest to me! Make your additions and corrections in the comments.

10. Dick Grayson. Even among all the comic-book hero names that were only picked because Stan Lee couldn’t remember them without alliteration, “Dick Grayson” stands out, because, you know, “Dick,” and because “He’s like the SON of the GRAY-costumed Batman! GET IT HO HO HO HEE HEE HO!” Seriously, I have an easier time accepting “Victor Von Doom.”

9. Guy Gardner. Generally I’m fond of this character, but when his writers liked to riff on his name, they really, reeeeeally liked to. As in “Damn right I’m the guy! I’m THE Guy! I’m GUY GARDNER!” It was classy of John Broome to name the character after Gardner Fox, but given the character’s somewhat conservative leanings, even “Fox Gardner” would lead to some better jokes.

8. Kal-El Cage. At least Guy is fictional. This kid has to go through life with Superman’s birth name. It seems like Nicolas Cage had the best of intentions, but, y’know, so did those guys who told Jor-El to stop studying rocket science and focus on a field that would be around forever, like geology.

7. Melvin Frohike. Really, now, X-Files supporting character. It’s like you’re calling the schoolyard bullies and the male-pattern-baldness-mocking adults to you all at once.

6. S.H.I.E.L.D. Oh, not the acronym, that’s kind of cute. What it stands for, though, is either Supreme Headquarters, International Espionage, Law-Enforcement Division, Strategic, Hazard Intervention, Espionage Logistics Directorate or Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division. Or, possibly, Securing Human Intelligence and Enforcing Lawful Dissemination. This has naturally given rise to S.W.O.R.D. and H.A.M.M.E.R., with similarly retro-engineered awkwardspeak backing them up. I know this is kind of realistic given how our government loves cute acronyms, but… do we have to be as dumb as real life is?

5. Unobtainium. No! We can be much dumber. This name is used in thought experiments as a comical name that no one would ever actually use in day-to-day life. Also used with a completely straight face in the films The Core and Avatar, to describe a metal that has, at least at some point, been obtained.

4. Count Dooku. I could give this to several Lucas-generated names– General Grievous, Jar Jar Binks, Darth Sidious, Darth Maul. Even “Darth Vader,” “Han Solo” and “Luke Skywalker” are not what you call “subtle.” But seriously, when the most exciting action scene in your movie involves Yoda fighting someone whose name is essentially “Captain Doodypants,” you’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere.

3-2. Yubiseiharukana Tanaka and Yubiseiakikana Tanaka. These are actual names from an actual game that was really published. But since Yubiseiakikana was a major protagonist and her name was a LITTLE CLUNKY, they renamed her “You.” Yes. Her freaking name is “You.” “Hey, You!” “What is You doing?” “Why, You!”

1. Sy Fy. Duh.

Okay, what did I miss?

He’s your robot dad. He wants nothing but to keep you safe and happy, and he will sacrifice everything– everything– to make that happen. As he’s proven. Often. Very often.

Best: Killed by Megatron’s Treachery… And His Own Principles (Transformers: The Movie). Like it was going to be anything but this. For all that Crisis on Infinite Earths tried, this was the death scene that hammered home to adolescent me: “Your heroes can really die. No one is safe.” It’s fashionable to hate on Hot Rod for his action here, but c’mon! Megs had a hidden weapon: Hot Rod had to try to save Prime, and a shouted warning might have only distracted Prime. What really kills Optimus here is his inability to even put Hot Rod at risk by firing on Megatron, even though he’s a better shot than William Tell and Megatron is bigger than an apple. Some would call that foolish, but that’s the principle Optimus lives and dies for.

Excellent: Dies to stop Megatron… and remake the world (Transformers: Beast Machines). It’s the look of peace at the end that gets me. Optimus Primal fulfills his function, and the new world beats with his pulse as he passes on.

Good: Sucker-stabbed by Megatron (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen). Arguably Optimus’s cruelest death. After taking on four Decepticons, including Megatron, beating the other three and kicking the crap out of Megatron, Optimus allows his concern for Sam to lower his defenses at just the wrong moment, and then, as a going-away present, gets to hear Megatron’s unforgiving Hugo Weaving voice telling him how weak he is as he goes. Link.

Ehhh: Killed by falling off a building (Transformers: Animated). Revived 75 seconds later when a young girl guns his ignition.

Worst: Killed by principles and incompetence (Transformers comic book). Transformers #24 is a busy comic book. In it, the following things happen:

1 ) Optimus Prime and Megatron introduce their new soldiers, the Protectabots and Combaticons, as if they were rival Steve Jobs imitators at a tech convention.

2 ) Prime tries to talk Megatron out of fighting over some Macguffin or other, since if they fought it would be destroyed. Megatron quite reasonably points out that killing Optimus Prime and his newest soldiers would be an acceptable silver lining.

3 ) A human programmer shows up and suggests they play a VR game for the Macguffin instead. Megatron fails to immediately vaporize him.

4 ) Somehow they agree to not only play this game, but to play it to the death, taking the human’s word that this game has no cheat codes.

5 ) This game totally has a cheat code. It gives you another life.

6 ) Megatron’s lackeys suck at the game but manage to discover the cheat code and pass it along to him in their giant robot voices without the human noticing.

7 ) Optimus Prime “kills” Megatron in the game, fair and square. One cheat code later, Megatron returns and promptly gets killed again. However, some cute little creatures become collateral damage the second time around.

8 ) Apparently unable to see anything wrong about Megatron getting an extra life in the game, Optimus chooses to focus on the innocent yet ENTIRELY FICTIONAL CREATURES he has “killed.” Because, you see, he never would have killed them if they were real, so he’s a cheater. Therefore the only rational course of action is to order the human to blow him to smithereens and leave the Autobots without their leader and strongest soldier in the middle of a war. The human is reluctant to do so, but then Optimus tells him to again, using his loud voice.

9 ) Boom!

10 ) Megatron is so stunned by this development that he can barely manage a single “heh heh.”

In the next issue, Megatron continues to find this series of events so unbelievable that he goes crazy and commits suicide.

(Update: about 17 months after writing this article, I co-produced a riff on this moment and its particular relevance to one of Transformers’ most fervent (fictional) fans. The real challenge was making it any more outrageous than what was already scripted.)

Dishonorable Mention: (Transformers: Kiss Players). I’m just going to quote this article’s primary source directly: “Sometime between 2005 and 2010, Marissa Faireborn revives Optimus using the Galvatron cells in her body. Ultimately, all the cells are put back into Galvatron, and without them, Optimus promptly dies again.” Not having seen this particular series, I can’t really say whether this is half as dumb as it sounds. But it does not fill me with confidence.

For a comparable, longer list, go here.