Insomnia has plagued me for the past two nights. Last night, it was so bad. I couldn’t fall asleep until a little after one. I had anxiety about work and my brain wouldn’t shut off. It was well after midnight when I texted him. This is becoming a bad habit.

Me: I can’t fall asleep :( sigh

An instant reply, a minute later.
Jack: I’m drinking. Haha. I’m alive.
Me: I wanna drink.
Jack: Let’s drink. Treat me. haha.
Me: Other way around lol.
Jack: Haha me treating you.
Me: Yes ;)

I woke up automatically at 5:54, a minute before my alarm. I went to work and found out that two of my coworkers were a no show. The usual nine people were only seven. I didn’t have a partner for most of the day. I was on cash and made all the drinks and had to be a little ray of fucking sunshine. I was beyond exhausted. My manager came over to help me for maybe ten minutes, if that. During the busy hours, she was in the office doing God knows what. I was by myself for most of the day. Pauline who was at the sandwich bar occasionally came and brewed coffee for me out of pity. I’m grateful for her.

According to Kelly, it’s the manager’s birthday tomorrow. She asked if I wanted to chip in for a present and I was like no. I don’t feel that her leadership is that great. I got her a Christmas present, that was as far as I’d go. The way she makes the schedule causes me grief. If two of your employees didn’t show up, ideally, you’d try to find a replacement or come out and help. I understand if it was Monday and she’d be doing inventory or payroll but it was Wednesday. What the heck was she hiding in her office for? Also, I learned that Katie frequently works 9 to 11 hour days. Katie, the sweetest girl, I don’t know why I feel protective towards her. Maybe she’s the little sister I never had. I swear, the only other person who works those long, shitty hours is Jack and he hacks it because, well I don’t know the reason but in my head, he’s tougher than dear, sweet Katie. Plus, the manager only gives Heather 5 hour days, so what the fuck. Everything is so out of whack. She has a whole roster of available people and she distributes it in a horrendous way. I don’t even bother to deal with her, I try to make myself invisible to her.

At 1:30, Mary, the assistant manager, felt sorry for me and came to be my partner for the remainder of the shift till 3. She was with Kelly all day. I was finally able to breathe. I actually smiled and felt better. A friend brought me a sandwich from Subway and I stashed it in the fridge. Normally, I’d put it in my locker but something occurred to me today. I want to give it to Jack. Why? The reason was simple – there was always too much mayo and the bread becomes soggy the next day. Besides, I was going out with Kelly after work for food. I concluded that if I was sick of the bagels at work, Jack must be as well. I guess I wanted to be nice.

At 2:50, I periodically checked the back and made excuses to go there to see if he was present. No such luck. Michael was there and I considered for half a second to give it to him. By the time, I signed out, I concluded that he was late and I wouldn’t be able to see him. Feeling dejected, I went to the lockers area and got my bag and coat. The door opened and in waltzed in Jack. Harry noticed him and started a conversation. I was waiting on Kelly who seemed glued to her iphone. I waited for a moment when the two guys stopped talking so I could interrupt for a moment.

Jack had his backpack on the floor, had it open and was probably looking for his visor, name tag or whatever and I took that opportunity to just drop the sandwich with the plastic bag, napkin and everything into it. He looked up at me, surprised. I didn’t say anything. I turned around and called out Kelly’s name and we left.

We had a nice, late lunch, talked about work. The only thing that stayed on my mind was something she said, “You can’t trust Jack.” Okay, she doesn’t know about my feelings towards him. For all she knows, we are mere coworkers. Maybe I had been naïve the entire time. Fuck.

• 9:38 PM
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I took a nap yesterday so I couldn’t sleep at my normal bedtime – 10 o’clock. I watched the season finale of The Bachelor and felt sad. I don’t care if it’s scripted or whatever, I liked subscribing to the myth of “love.” I finally caved and texted him at 10:11.

Me: Hey.
Jack: Yo.
Me: I really don’t like march break.
Jack: Haha, busy isn’t it?
Me: Yes, I need to be sick.
Jack: Haha. That’s funny.
Me: No :( I can’t be this tired after one day.
Jack: Why not?
Me: Lately I just feel angry, miserable or the combination of the two lol.
Jack: Haha. That’s weird though.
Me: I know. I don’t even need to feel happy anymore, just not pissed off :( so tell me something good.
Jack: Like what.
Me: Whatever comes to mind.
Jack: That’s the problem. Nothing’s coming up.
Me: You’re no fun. :P
Jack: I thought going there is fun? Haha.
Me: Going where?
Jack: There. I thought next time that I’ll go to your place will be fun. You’re asking for it.
Me: And what exactly am I asking for?
Jack: To say something fun right?
Me: Sort of.
Jack: So what are you up to?
Me: Having a hard time falling asleep. You?
Jack: Watching.
Me: Goodnight.

I made up my mind, I’m not texting him tonight. I need distance. I don’t want to become dependent on someone who will only disappoint me in the end.

I survived another day at work. It still amazes me with how much bullshit I can put up with. A slew of self-righteous customers. I try not to think about them and focus on the ones who are nice. Like the random guys my age who actually thank me, wish me a nice day, have a good one, et cetera. I guess the world isn’t full of assholes.

Jack was scheduled to work from noon to 9:30. I feel really bad for the guy. I was in the sandwich bar; he was on the other side, as physically far away from me as possible. That was fine. The only time I was actually standing beside him was when I didn’t have any orders except for the one he punched in, and since the customer was a regular, I walked over and handed her the paper bag with a smile and thanks. I don’t know if it was my subconscious or whatever but I stood close enough to him so that our arms would collide. He turned his head to look at me and I left as quickly as I had appeared.

There was a small thing that made me slightly upset. When he first started his shift, he didn’t know if there were still breakfast items and he called out Kelly’s name and asked her. I feel like he fully ignores me. I was standing next to her and yet he didn’t ask me. I know I shouldn’t dwell, be jealous, et cetera but I’m human and it just sucks. It’s not like I need him to be all over me but I wish we could just talk and be civil. That’s it. I don’t want to be a dirty little secret. I deserve more than that.

I couldn’t wait to leave at two. I grabbed my chai tea, signed out and went to my locker. I was in the process of taking off my name tag; I didn’t even notice Jack walking by. He had to deliver something upstairs. He said bye, not in his usual long drawn out way, just bye. I echoed the single word. It was the only interaction between us all day.

• 9:15 PM
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So after I blogged last night, Jack texted me at 9:30.

Jack: I thought Sunday?
Me: Mm?
Jack: Mm what?
Me: What did you think?
Jack: Think of what?
Me: You said you thought Sunday what? Sorry I’m not getting it.
Jack: Nothing. Haha.
Me: No, tell me.
Jack: Nothing.
Me: Boo.
Jack: Because I thought you said Sunday.

Okay, I fully knew what he meant. I wanted to hear him say it. I just hate how he ignored me at work on Saturday and then Sunday, everything is peachy fucking keen. I feel like I reached the end of my rope. 

This is the last time I drink black coffee. I couldn’t sleep until past midnight. My internal clock is so messed up. I know that I should sleep but couldn’t. It was terrible, just tossing and turning since 11PM and possibly fantasizing about Jack. The latest fantasy includes grabbing a drink with Michael and Jack. The three of us are having a lovely chat about some random subject and my hand is on Jack’s thigh but I digress. I finally caved at 11:52 and texted him: “I can’t sleep :(”

I woke up at 5:53, used the bathroom and went back to bed. It was only meant to be a five minute thing but the next time I looked at my Blackberry, it was 6:07. I hauled ass and got to work at 6:25 with a full face of makeup.

Today was so busy. It was the beginning of March/spring break. Lots of snot faced kiddies at the mall. Lovely. My favourite moment was when the super cute guy with the eyebrow ring came and I smiled and was pleasant and all but served myself on a platter. I know nothing about him – except for the way he likes his coffee. Kelly asked if I was happy and I said yes, always. How can I look at that scruffy, kind face and not feel my heart swell up with some warm, fuzzy emotion?

The rest of the day was a blur. I just recall swearing a lot under my breath and dreading the rest of the week. It was going to be as busy as fuck. It was worst than Boxing Day in my opinion since I got time and a half for that day. Anyways, Kelly wants to do something after work on Wednesday so I’d accommodate her. I could go buy more shit from Sephora.

I kept looking at the clock, eager for 3 o’clock. When it was finally time to leave, I grabbed my tip and hauled ass. Jack stood with his back against the wall, waiting to sign in. He looked so stoic. Maybe a little bit sad. I don’t know. I was too wrapped up in my own bubble. During the end of my shift, I don’t know why my eyes were tired (probably from staring at the stupid screen all day) and started tearing up. The tears made my mascara sting my eyes which caused more tears. I had to go back from the lockers to the break area to grab a tissue and try to look like I didn’t bawl my eyes out. The manager walked by and she was too stressed out to notice me.

When I decided that I looked semi decent, I walked back to the locker area to grab my stuff. The lockers had never been that crowded; both the upstairs and downstairs shifts were all milling around. Jack was in front of me and I don’t know why but I punched his arm. He turned his head and saw that it was me. I didn’t say anything. I just wanted his attention, to send him some signal that we’re still okay and that I’m hopelessly in love with him.

• 8:23 PM
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Yesterday I went to work. It was probably my most enjoyable shift all week. I worked with people who were genuinely nice, they were two middle aged ladies, Katie (whom I adore because she’s so sweet, she came back from her trip and brought me a souvenir), Peter and Michael. I prefer working with the guys, they’re easy-going and we tease each other. Nothing is too serious, we just have fun, well as much as we could have while making minimum wage and dealing with the occasional irate customer. In between orders, one of us would complain about being tired or whatever and the other would encourage the other, it was just nice. I swear it’s easier to work with guys than pissy little bitches. I might consider working Sundays, sure it’s a nine and a half hour shift but I feel happier with them than the usual morning crew on a weekday. There were too many politics and complicated shit.

My favourite moment of the day was when I went to the back to get something from the fridge, Michael was on his break, he said, “Love you (my name).” Automatically, I responded, “Love you too.” Obviously, I meant it in a platonic way. I guess it felt nice to hear the words, even if they weren’t in that kind of context. We make a pretty darn good team; I wouldn’t mind grabbing a beer with this guy after work. My nickname for him is pretty boy, haha. I feel like whatever the thing I had with Peter had deteriorated, I swear it feels different. I definitely keep my hands to myself. I still tease him but he remains a baby so I lost interest.

During my break, I went downstairs to see Heather. I don’t even need food. I grabbed an oatmeal raisin cookie and tore it apart as I talked to her as she refilled stuff in the back. I recounted the details of what transpired on Friday with Jack. She asked if we did anything. I laughed and said no. The funny thing was when Jack came to the back to use the sink to refill the cold beverage machine. I continued to converse with Heather in our native tongue. It felt a little weird talking about him with him there. Heather even asked if she should leave so she could give us a moment. I said it was unnecessary. I was used to the two of us not talking at work anyways. She had to go back to the front so I called my friend to kill the rest of my break time.

Before I went back upstairs, I reapplied a lip balm. Kevin who was stocking up, walked by and said that I looked like I was going to a party. I blinked and said pardon. He explained that it was because I looked so nice (I did spend more time than usual on my eye makeup). I replied aw and see you later before running away. He does seem like the type of guy who would notice the minor details. Except it wasn’t his attention I wanted. Why are things so complicated?

When we were all downstairs waiting to sign out, Jack didn’t remain stationary. He still had some last minute stuff to do so I couldn’t dawdle beside him. I wasn’t in the mood to join the guys’ conversation; instead I remained glued to my phone. Before I left, I checked the schedule. Jack wasn’t going to work the shitty morning hours, it was back to his usual afternoon shift which means I totally won’t get to see him. I am not looking forward to this week.

I went home, showered, had a late dinner and watched TV. The entire time, every time I received a new text, I was hopeful that it was him. After Justin Timberlake’s SNL monologue, I was beyond exhausted. I was already going to “lose” an hour so I went to sleep. I woke up and didn’t see anything from him. I went about my day, met up with a friend for breakfast and bought random necessities – toothpaste, shampoo, Blistex and a random pair of chinos. My friend came over afterwards and we hung out. At 2:43, he texted me, asking what I was doing. I told him I was hanging out with a friend and left it at that. Technically, we didn’t make plans so if he’s upset over that then that’s on him. Sigh. I just want to spend time with him and learn more about him. Except our schedules really don’t match. Here’s to communication via text!

• 8:04 PM
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I woke up feeling happy. I hadn't felt that in such a long time. Just peaceful. Like all was right with the world. It didn't matter that I had work at 2. I checked my Blackberry and saw three new texts. Among them was one from Jack at 11:45. It made me smile, I hadn't scared him with my crazy, hah. Maybe there was hope for us after all. 

• 11:19 AM
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