Eleven years together, six of those married.
I love our story.
From the first 18 years of chance meetings and unbelievable coincidences to the last six years of marriage, parenthood and figuring out, well, everything.
I never want to forget how we came to be or all that we've been through to get here.
Catch up with Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V, Part VI , Part VII, Part VIII, Part VIIII, Part X, Part XI, Part XII and Part XIII.
******
As with Kadyn, Ryan took 2 weeks off work when Graysen was born.
I don't have the slightest memory of what we did but I do know it was awesome.
The awesome stopped the second Ryan went back to work.
For much of the year and much of the time after Graysen was born, Kadyn acted out something fierce.
You're probably thinking, "Duh. He's pissed about the new baby."
I wish it was that easy to explain.
Dealing with it would have been a kajillion times easier if that's what it was.
But it started months before Graysen was born.
But it started months before Graysen was born.
I think it was a combination of his age, us not dealing with him in the best way or in the best way for him, Ryan working so much, Kadyn being stuck solely with me ALL the time and distance/stress between Ryan and I.
Regardless of the reasons, the period between summer 2010 to April-ish of 2011 were some of the hardest times in my life.
Any time Kadyn wouldn't get his way, he would throw tantrums that epic doesn't even touch.
Often the tantrums were so bad that I would have to forcibly sit him on the ground in front of me cross my legs over his, cross his arms over his chest and restrain, wait while he flipped the fuck out and then hold him while telling him to breath so he could calm down.
It shattered my heart each and every time but it was the ONLY way to calm him down.
Afterward we would talk about what happened, why it happened, why his behaviour was unacceptable and what he should do next time.
But the talks didn't matter.
He NEVER paid attention. NEVER retained anything I said to him.
More than once we would be in mid-conversation - or rather me just talking at him - and he would get distracted by a pinecone on the tree outside his window.
Once again, I started to worry that maybe there was something wrong.
Six hundred acronyms, syndromes and conditions flew through my brain. And I scolded myself for not doing anything when he acted out as a toddler.
One of the things that stopped me, however, was that Kadyn more than had the ability to make good choices, to listen, to not act out.
He, very easily, could be a well-mannered, thoughtful, sweet little boy.
Perhaps it was naive of me but the fact that he was capable of those things made me feel that there wasn't 'something wrong' with him. That it was a phase, a HORRIBLE one, and that I was not dealing with it properly.
And no way in hell was I going to put my child in a position to be labeled - unless it was unequivocally apparent that we needed help.
Also, shamefully, I was embarrassed.
I was embarrassed to admit that I couldn't handle my child on my own.
And I was embarrassed that I had zero support.
Ryan was out of town almost always, if he was in town, he was working late and I had no family or friends to call.
I didn't want to admit that I was alone so much or that I couldn't handle it all alone.
A lot of that stems from being told, in one way or another, that people were not interested in being involved in our lives or helping.
I couldn't not handle it. I didn't have a choice.
As you can imagine, adding another child to the mix did not help.
Graysen becoming colicky less than a month into his life?
Well that was just kick you in the crotch, spit on your neck fucking fantastic.
I had a full out meltdown.
I had a full out meltdown.
You can read a bit about that here. Good times for sure.
I should TOTALLY host Ryan's family for Christmas dinner.
Hello, my name is Glutton F. Punishment.
We invited the five people in Ryan's family we were still talking to.
I'd NEVER hosted Christmas with Ryan's family and I was nervous as hell about impressing them.
Obviously I had to go all Next Food Network Star on them.
I did a turkey, a fancy ham, sweet potatoes, roasted potatoes, apple stuffing (from scratch) roasted veggies, scratch gravy, homemade pumpkin pie and homemade kahlua chocolate bourbon pecan pie.
All with an insane 3 year old and a colicky not even 4 month old.