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‘FAHGET THE BABY, PUT A HELMET ON TAWMMY!’
Written by Christmas Ape / 03.20.13 Forgive the double dose of Tom Brady posts today, but we would be remiss not to feature this picture of Tom Brady and Gisele riding on a quad on a beach in Costa Rica with their newborn daughter, Vivian Lake, strapped to Gisele’s chest. Responsible parenting!
This might be somewhat reckless, but when you’re blessed with a perfect life, you probably don’t assume freak accidents are going to befall your children. More than anything, it’s unfortunate that Brady a perfect opportunity to build trust with new receiver, Danny Amendola. If you can’t count on Amendola to catch your newborn to secure your baby if it falls off a quad, how can you depend on him to make a critical third down catch?
And if something goes wrong, there are still two other Dreamboat kids (Dreambrood?) out there.
25 Comments
TAGS: giseleboat, greatriots, xmas ape
Protect The Shield — KSK Kontent Klearinghouse
Written by Christmas Ape / 03.18.13Here’s an animated short goofing on Roger Goodell and his ongoing quest to protect the shield from the no-account ne’er-do-wells of the football world. It’s from last year, but I’d never seen it before. Confident I’m not the only one. Besides, it’s not like laughing at The Rog ever gets old.
– Robert Kraft said the Patriots offered Wes Welker more money than he eventually accepted with the Broncos and that Tom Brady never demanded that Welker be re-signed. Kraft also emphasized that he doesn’t answer to Tom Brady, which doesn’t really matter since he said Brady didn’t make a big fuss over the move, but whatever – Kraft wants us to know he’s powerful.
– Jets owner Woody Johnson claims that we haven’t seen the best of Mark Sanchez yet. If the Buttfumble wasn’t the peak of derpdom, I’m eager to see what 2013 has in store for us.
Read the rest of this entry »
22 Comments
TAGS: baltimore ravens, cincinnati bengals, greatriots, ksk kontent klearinghouse, Madden, Mark Sanchez, New York Jets, tampa bay buccaneers, tennessee titans, xmas ape
FACK YOU, WELKAHHHH
Written by Christmas Ape / 03.13.13 The Patriots lowballed their gritty little scrapper and now he has left for the slightly less off-puttingly white pastures of Denver, where he’ll become the new Brandon Stokley for Peyton Manning for the next two years, provided Pey-Pey’s neck doesn’t break and Welker stops dropping critical passes in the post-season. New England lost out to Welker on a two-year, $12 million offer from Elway and the Broncos. That’s it. When Belichick is done with you, he’s really done. A lesson many married women have come to know.
In other news, a great cry for Danny Amendola is rising among the people of EDELMAN NATION. “FACK THE TRAITAHH WELKAH, I KNEW HE WAS A SECRET DAHHKKIEEE AWL ALONG!”
Wes Welker is a traitor. Just a product of the system. Could never make the clutch catch. Edelman will fill in nicely.
— Dr. King Schultz (@Dirkard) March 13, 2013
Spoke to someone close to Tom Brady. Beyond enraged at contract details that netted Broncos Wes Welker. “Disgrace”"disservice” were used.
— Tom E. Curran (@tomecurran) March 13, 2013
139 Comments
TAGS: greatriots, welkah, xmas ape
WELKAH TESTING THE MAHHKET IS A REMINDAH THAT SPARTS IS PURELY A BUSINESS
Written by Christmas Ape / 03.06.13 WHAT THE FACK IS THE WORLD COMING TO? I can’t believe Welkah could be awn anothah team next ye-uh. WELKAH! THE HAHHHTTT AND SOUL AND GRITTY GUTTY GUTS OF SCRAP SAWX NATION! Sure, he once played for those face-eating Miami faggots, but that was before Welkah became WELKAH. WE MADE HIM A FACKIN STAHHHH. Before he joined farces with JAWNNY FARRELL NATION, Welkah just another in a long line of drifter Oklahoma nobodies with cactus needles in his pissah.
[Thinks Oklahoma is in the Southwest]
When Deion Branch cashed in on the Greatriot Way back in 2005, I knew it was just another uppity dahhkkieeee seeing dollah signs and rap videos instead of the good of his cah-reeah. As soon as that parch monkey got done stealing millions from Seattle, he was ready to win again, so he marched back to Bahhston with his dangling dahhhkie dick between his legs. We found it in ow-ah hahhhts to welcome him back but we nevah forgot his treachery. It was confahmation that the team comes befahhh the individual.
What spartswriters often fahget is that dealing with disloyal dahhhkies is a reality of sparts. That’s why the blue-collah fans of HANRAHAN NATION know nawt to cheer them. Whereas most would hear applause from a crowd and feel pride for a job well done, a daaahhhkkkieeee just hears the cash registah ring and thinks of how many mo-ah rims and rawks he can buy.
[Emails suggestions for slurs to writers at "The Jeselnik Offensive"]
That’s why I am in SHAWK and DISBELIEF to the news that Wesley Fackin Welkah wants to hit the free agent mahhhket. This is why I said bringing in Aqueen Talib was a bad idea. It is clear that he cah-rupted the team with shiftless shucking and jiving. NO ONE DENIES THIS! All becawse Belichick was desperate for a cornahback. IF YOU NEEDED A DAHHHKIE CORNAH SO BAD, GO GET TROY BROWN! HE WAS THE RARE HAHHHD-WORKING DAHHKIEEE. YOU DON’T LET THOSE GO! THEY AHHH LIKE UNICAHNS. Talib was a big gamble and it didn’t pay off so now the team is poisoned with dahhhkieeocity and we may lose Welkah as a result.
Tawmmy Brady might be a cawk-hungry mincy faggot like Seth MacFahhhlane without the KILLAH BOOB SONGS, but he came through fo-ah the team. He took less money, because Tawmmy, even when on his diva period pussy cramps, knows he owes everything he has to FUTURE BRIAN HAHTLINE NATION. He gets it. He’s a team playah. Unfortunately, Tawmmy’s gestcha was too little, too late. Welkah was already hopelessly cawntaminated with dahhkieee bling lust.
Bahston is a brotherhood. Once you leave, even if it is tempahrahree and for good reason, you ahhh cast out forevah in ow-ah minds! Welkah may think he’s gaining but in reality he is losing something fahhhhh mo-ah valuable than money: OW-AH RESPECT! No longah ahhh you the beloved undersized son of a city, you ahh just ivory dahhkieee Deion Branch PAHT TWO!
45 Comments
TAGS: greatriots, Tommy from Quinzee, welkah, xmas ape
Rob Gronkowski The Greyhound Is Crushing It
Written by Christmas Ape / 03.04.13 There’s a new bad boy in greyhound racing. At the Palm Beach Kennel Club, there’s a dog that goes by Rob Gronkowski, either because he won’t stop licking the other dogs while they’re going to the bathroom or because he gets hurt just as the biggest races approach. Either Way, Dog Gronkowski has won four consecutive races, the most recent occurring this past Friday.
Here’s video of Friday’s victory, courtesy Busted Coverage, a reliable source for human Gronk antics. Gotta love the race announcer sneaking in a deep post joke as Gronkhoundski starts to pull away. Clearly there will be no lack of drunken hook-ups once the owner decides to put him out to stud.
19 Comments
TAGS: greatriots, gronk, xmas ape