Words are tricky things. We use words as a way of communicating, but sometimes what we mean when we say something, and what the listener assumes we mean when we use those words can be very different things. Recently I was hanging out with a group of youth, and one of them told me "I'm going to get pimped out”. Because I know this teen pretty well I understood that what he meant by the phrase was “I’m going to get really dressed up” much the same as my grandparents would have said “I’m really putting on the ritz”. What made the situation humorous was the presence of a bystander who wasn’t as trained in the slang of youth culture, who was shocked and confused because she interpreted those same words to mean “I’m going to have someone set me up to be a prostitute”.

Similarly I had an experience of traveling to the Southern United States, and ordering a meal in a restaurant. I was quite thirsty so I asked the waitress what kind of “pop” they had. She looked at me blankly with no idea what I meant, and told me she didn’t think they had any of that. I couldn’t believe that any restaurant wouldn’t have soft drinks of some kind, and so I asked her “You know…like Coke, or Pepsi?” She smiled and said “Oh you want a soda! Why sure, we have that!”

In both these cases, what the speaker was trying to communicate, and what the listener understood where two different things. So when talking about anything it important to make sure that all parties involved understand what you mean when you say something.

And when it comes to sexuality…well its very easy to end up arguing simply because people aren’t even talking about the same thing. Take for instance the word “gay”. It’s thrown around a lot…but what do we mean by it?

When I was in elementary school I remember watching the Flintstones, and singing along with the theme to the show “We’ll have a gay old time!” No, I don’t think Fred and Barney were sleeping together - the word back then usually meant “fun”. Today the word “gay” generally is connected to homosexuality…but even now it can mean different things to different people. In my years working with teens I have had dozens tell me “I think I’m gay” but once again, they said it for different reasons, and meant different things by it.

To help clear up these differences it has been helpful to think of sexuality as being made up of three distinct parts: Attractions, Orientation, and Identity.

Attractions:

Attractions are perhaps the simplest part of the equation. Everyone has attractions, though they may be to different things. Attractions come on different levels. I can be attracted to a person physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, or a combination of each of these levels. Sometimes its confusing to know on which level you are attracted to someone. For example many people may find one of their friends attractive on an emotional level, desiring to be emotionally close, get approval from them, share honestly, etc. This is different from being sexually attracted to them (ie. Wanting to have sex with them) However many people who are aware that they are emotionally attracted assume this must mean they should be sexually attracted too. Similarly there can be confusion between physical attraction and sexual attraction, especially among younger teens whose bodies are still dealing with the hormonal changes of puberty. For example a teen who finds himself physically aroused in a setting such as a locker room around other men, may assume that arousal means he must be gay. But really in adolescence it is easy to become aroused for little or even no reason, and being aroused in a certain setting does not mean one wants to have sex with members of the same gender.

The truth about attractions is that they come and go, they can be on different levels, and they can be directed at different people or things. It is a common belief in our culture that only gay people will experience any amount of attraction towards the same sex, but that simply isn’t true. Studies show that a significant number of people who end up heterosexual experience some amount same sex attraction, especially during their adolescent years.

So simply experiencing some level of attraction to a person of the same sex doesn’t mean you are gay, or really mean anything, other than that at a certain time, in a certain situation you felt a certain thing.

Orientation:

Orientation is the next part of sexuality. Orientation could be understood as the normal direction in which your attractions go. Often we use terms like “gay” “straight” and “bi” to indicate sexual orientation. If you find over the course of several years that almost all your attraction is to the opposite gender, you might call yourself “straight”. On the other hand if over years you find that your attractions are mostly towards the same sex you might call yourself “gay”. But once again orientation is not a written in stone thing, it’s a description of general direction. People who would describe themselves as having a “straight” or heterosexual orientation could find themselves attracted to someone of the same sex in certain situations.

One thing about orientation, while it can describe the general direction of attraction, it tells us nothing about behavior and actions. It is quite possible to have a homosexual orientation, but to never actually have sex, or to choose have sex with the opposite gender instead. Why someone would do this will be covered more later. But for now it is enough to recognize that many people although they would consider themselves to have a homosexual orientation choose not to call themselves gay, or who do call themselves gay, but would choose not to act on their attractions. For this reason we on the site tend not to refer to homosexual orientation by using the term “gay” but rather use Same Gender Attraction (SGA)

Identity:

Finally the third part of sexuality is identity. Sexual Identity is how you think about yourself, the labels you embrace, the values you hold, and the things you believe about sex. When we use the term “gay” on this site we often are talking about Identity. We are talking about people who have identified themselves as having a homosexual orientation, and who have decided that acting on their attractions is appropriate and good for them.

This is why talking about change can be so tricky. I have a friend who tells lots of people that he “used to be gay”. Many people assume when they hear this he is talking about attraction: that he used to be attracted to men, but now is not. But actually what he is talking about is Identity: he used to believe that having sex with men was good for him, he used to engage in sex with men on a frequent basis, he used to identify his relationship to men as the key thing in his life. Now he doesn’t. While he is still attracted to men, he no longer has sex with them, and what he believes about his past relationships has changed a great deal. His attractions have not changed, but his identity certainly has!
So is he telling the truth when he said he used to be gay? Well yes, but you have to understand what he means by it.

Understanding the difference between identity, orientation, and attraction will make understanding the rest of this website a lot easier. This is at the root of everything that we talk about here, and will help clear up a lot of misconceptions.

So now that we have discussed the difference between attraction, orientation, and identity the question remains: What does that mean for my situation?

Well first of all, it means that nobody else can tell you what your attractions, orientation, or identity are. You are the only one who feels your attractions. You’re the only one who can measure them over time to decide that they add up to an orientation. And you’re the only one who can decide how to work them into your identity.

In our society we have all sorts of ideas about signs that someone is gay. For example some people think that liking or not liking sports (depending on your gender) is a sign of being gay. Others assume that music, clothing, choice in activities or career can all be signs that someone is gay.

So let’s be perfectly clear, being different in any of those areas has nothing to do with your attraction, orientation, or identity.

If you are worried about being gay because people have told you are because of any of those things…relax. They are being ignorant.

However many people question whether they are gay because they are feeling attractions and want to know what it means.

There are a few things you need to understand about attractions:

First of all attractions are not written in stone, but at the same time they can not be turned on or off like a light switch or changed like the channels on your TV. Sexuality is a very complex thing, and science is just beginning to understand how much of it works. There are many things that are still a mystery. We do know that for some people, attraction, and orientation can shift to some degree. Some people find that they can shift much more than others, and we do not really know why.

Second of all it is normal for people to feel a variety of attractions, particularly during adolescence. The fact that you feel one attraction does not mean you can’t feel another attraction, or two different attractions at the same time.

Many young people feeling a given attraction begin to wonder what this means about their orientation and identity. It can be pretty nerve wracking questioning “Will I always feel this way?” or “Does this mean I am Gay?” Many write in to us at this site wanting to know “Does this mean I am Gay?”

But remember, no one can tell you that. If what you are questioning is “Do I have a homosexual orientation” the only way to determine that is to wait and see. Remember that orientation is the general direction of attraction over time. Most times the best way to clarify an orientation is to give it time. Up to 25% of youth are unsure of their orientation in grade 9, but by grade 12 only 9% are still unsure.

So maybe your attractions will change, maybe they won’t. Maybe you will be attracted to both sexes. But the fact that you feel an attraction doesn’t FORCE you to do anything.

The best question you can ask yourself if you are thinking “Am I gay?” is “What do I want?” Your feelings do not determine who you are. They are part of you, and important part at that, and trying to pretend they aren’t there is pointless. But they are only PART. In deciding if you want to embrace a gay identity you should think how those attractions fit in with all the other parts of you. What is most important in your life? If your attractions to the same sex fit in with those other areas, then it is likely you will feel comfortable with a gay identity.

The other thing to remember is that just because you decide to identify as gay, does not mean you will be exactly like every other gay person out there. There are a lot of stereotypes, but gay people are as diverse and unique as straight people!

But there is no reason why you have to choose a label. A growing number of youth are rejecting labels such as “gay” “straight” or “bi-sexual” and deciding that those things are not what is important in their identities. Some prefer to keep their options open, or identify themselves simply as “questioning.”

Identities can also change over time. There are people who once identified as straight, and later decided they were gay. There are people who tried being gay for a while, and found it didn't work and went on to choose to be in relationships with members of the opposite sex. Having embraced one identity does not mean it have to be for life, as all of us are growing, changing and looking at ourselves and our world in new and different ways.

That said, sometimes if you are unsure, it is best to wait before taking on a label. One of the problems with labels are once you stick them on, they can be hard to trade in. Its kind of like trying to scrape off an old embarrassing bumper sticker of your car. If it was strong enough to stay there, it’s hard to get it off if you need to.

At freetobeme.com we are all about descriptions rather than labels. I can say “I’m attracted to guys” or "I think I might like girls” without taking on a label like gay or straight. You will hear us using the words “Same Gender Attracted” a lot. It’s a mouthful for sure, but sometimes we shorten it to SGA. We use it because it describes feelings and attractions without implying larger labels

I know you might have been hoping for a clearer answer. But who are we to tell you who and what you are? We hope these articles and stories on this site give you ideas, clarify things, and maybe open new alternatives for you. But only you can decide who you will be. That’s why we call it “Free to be Me” not “Free to be who we tell you to be!”

The most honest answer to this question is that no one really knows for sure. There are a lot of theories about this, but it is very hard to prove them one way or another. Some people tend to think that same-gender attraction is caused by genetic or biological causes before a person is born. Others tend to think it is caused by environmental factors, things that happen or that you learn as you grow up.

The arguments back and forth on this issue are very complex, and can be a bit overwhelming sometimes. So here are a few things to keep in mind:

• Different people have different stories, and what fits in one person's story may not be true for everyone. For example some people have connected their own attractions to the same sex with being sexually abused. While this may be true for them, it would be wrong to assume everyone who has been abused experiences same sex attraction, or that all people who are same gender attracted must have been abused.
• Both sides of the debate can sometimes use research in misleading ways in order to try and be right, so it is wise to read the research carefully. Newspapers and magazines can sometimes claim that a study proves more than it actually does.
• It is hard sometimes to tell the difference between a cause and an effect. In some studies it has been observed that there is a difference between gay men and straight men. However it is not always clear if the difference made them gay, or the difference is a result of being gay.
• Knowing why does not necessarily help you figure out what to do. There are many things that can be biological that aren't good for you. Studies have shown your genes could make you more inclined to be an alcoholic, or to overeat. That does not mean that drinking to excess or overeating is good or right. In the same way just because something is environmental does not mean it is right or wrong. However you decide on what is right or wrong, simply knowing why you feel that way will not solve the question.
• Ultimately whether biological factors, environmental factors, or both cause same gender attraction, you still have a choice over what you do. Part of being an adult is learning when to have self-control over your desires and then to make good decisions about which ones to act on and which ones not to.