As much as I love to dive in and lose myself in a gorgeously crafted story, I know I’m no fun to be around while this is happening. (“Mo-o-om – mac & cheese AGAIN?”) So, I’m choosy about my books.

Boy, am I glad I chose to read The Language of Trees: A Novel, by Ilie Ruby, our December TwitterMom of the Month! Ilie’s writing voice is poetic, lyrical, and her characters are so human, so complex, that I felt like I knew them personally.

In short, I was so completely absorbed by Ilie’s magical, mystical story… I just barely managed to keep my household afloat for the two days I was, uh, a bit distracted.

I’m so pleased to introduce Ilie to the TwitterMoms community! I first found Ilie via a New York Times article in Motherlode, in which she discusses the adoption of her children from Ethiopia.


You've been a mother for a couple of years now... what was it like, adopting three children at once? How did you prepare for it?

“Initially, it was chaos. Bliss. Excitement. Tears. Love. Panic. Shock. Everything I imagine a new mom of triplets would feel, complete with the ongoing lack of sleep and the bleary-eyed nighttime feedings, dealing with nightmares, food issues, etc. The difference was that my kids were 2, 4, and 8, at varying developmental stages and spoke a different language, plus they were on an Ethiopian time clock. I was potty training my littlest one while teaching all the kids English. Our home was filled with the chaos of Disneyland and a circus put together. The children were bouncy, emotional and extremely energetic. The only advantage I had was that I had been a teacher, and I had lived with my kids in Ethiopia, on and off, so there was a comfort level there. They trusted me, knew me, and were reasonably prepared. I was in Ethiopia 3 times in 6 months so I knew what I would be dealing with in terms of their culture shock, food issues, diet, and other things.

“Because I knew where they came from I was able to bridge gaps for them just a little bit. Since I adopted ‘older’ children (older is considered age 3 and up), they each had histories and I knew there would be grief to deal with, in addition to the bliss, overwhelm and excitement. Before they came, I read everything I could get my hands on in relation to adoption and transracial adoption, in particular. My husband and I attended seminars, and I also had the help of a nearby supermom that adopted 6 Ethiopian teenagers. She allowed us to meet with her kids and get the skinny on everything from diet, to issues of race and ethnicity. This woman is still my 'go-to' person when I’m stumped. Now I have become the go-to person for other new moms. I think my children adjusted more quickly than I did, to be honest. I think they helped me help them, if that makes sense. They had a relatively easy transition, and for that I am grateful. Their doctor, who is also an expert on internationally adopted children, gave me a lot of confidence and let me know I was on the right track. That helped. For the kids, everything was shiny and new. A trip to the grocery store was like Disneyland. Having a mother sing them to sleep was bliss. Having food, clean clothes and a warm bed was a miracle.

“Still, I consider it a fusion of best efforts, grace and miracles that I survived the first year. During this period, my novel THE LANGUAGE OF TREES was also being edited for publication.

“The other thing I did was to become an advocate. I called the superintendent of our school system to tell her my kiddos were coming and to help her figure out how they were going to support my child(ren). My eldest, in particular, went right into 2nd grade after being home for two months. I made sure I had everyone on board, from the school nurse, to the school psychologist to the principal. I also recognized that she was very body-centered and this would be her lifeline through the transition so we did a lot of yoga together. I put her in gymnastics, dance classes, soccer, anything I could find that would allow her to shake off some of the energy and feel grounded. She loved it all. In terms of the social aspect, I immediately began setting up playdates for her with children in her class. Children have a way of communicating that transcends words so even though her English was limited at the start she was able to make friends. She now thinks she owns the school. :)

“I also had a good strong group of mommies to soldier me through. They were so generous with me. They brought meals, bottles of wine, clothing. They took me crib shopping. Told me what to buy. They organized my children’s bedroom and helped me figure out schedules. They gave me the names and numbers of their doctors and dentists and sat with me when I doubted myself. They brought over playdough and CD’s, sat with me and promised me I could do this. In the end, it was about blind faith. I dove in and assumed it would all work out. And it has.

“But do not by any means think it has all been puppies and roses. There have been struggles, just like in any family. But I have to say I got lucky with these three. They are good kids. They are all so darn happy, sometimes I just stare at them and I think, how is it that you are so happy all the time (when I am so exhausted?)”


How long did it take for everyone to settle into a "new normal"?

“About a year. It took a while to get into a rhythm. My eldest grew 12 inches in a year and a half so she has changed a lot, which requires a new rhythm. She was a little girl when she came and is now (gulp) a young lady in the throes of puberty. It happened so fast. That just shows what good nutrition, exercise, and love can do.”



How has adoption changed you?

“Before kids, I was not a structured person at all. I was (and still am at heart) a very free spirit, with a creative soul. But as a mother I have learned the absolute NEED and value of having routines, rituals, and predictable patterns to our daily lives. My kids CRAVE structure—it makes them feel safe, so this changed my entire way of being in the world. I had to change in order to fit them. People who know me well often comment (more like giggle) at the fact that I once prided myself on only carrying my tiny pocket purse. That is a thing of the past. I now lug around a gargantuan purse full of everything from wet ones to rubber ducks, the type of bag that my mother always seemed to disappear into, that I swore I would never carry. In terms of adoption changing me, I have become a strong advocate of older child adoption. I have helped find homes for 15 children that I met over in Ethiopian orphanages when I was there. There are so many amazing ‘older’ children just waiting. These are bright, wonderful, glorious kiddos like mine, who are waiting for someone to notice them. I did. I wanted the kids that no one else wanted, the older kids.

“I also am learning to ‘let go’ of some of my alone time. My kiddos do not like to be alone, ever, not even for a minute, even if they’re just in a different room playing. This was and is a huge adjustment for me as a writer/artist type, who has always coveted alone-time and quiet. But all my kids are extremely social, boisterous, and want to be with you all the time. In the end, I just had to get over it. Not one of my kids is the quiet artistic type and that’s okay. My eldest daughter is unbelievable at soccer so I have also become, despite initial trepidation, a soccer mom.”



Tell me about the wonderful adoption perspective you wrote about in Motherlode (a New York Times blog). How did your protective and respectful mindset come about?

“This attitude came about completely organically. It was nothing I planned on, as I am a person who is pretty open and shares a lot. It happened out of NEED. As you know from the article, we are quite a sight—a transracial family living in a homogenous community, we deal with a lot of staring from strangers. None of us ‘matches.’ Before the kids came home, people warned me about the questions I would get from strangers but I didn’t believe it. Then when it happened I was shocked. I understand curiosity. I am a writer after all. I write to make sense of things and I, too, ask questions about things I’m curious about, but tact and respect is pivotal. I am a firm believer in educating the world and doing what’s best to make the circle bigger rather than smaller, but protecting my kiddos means protecting their private histories. When you adopt older children that come with a life history, you have to set boundaries with people, including family members. My article in the NYT talks about how strangers asked me extremely personal questions about my children’s lives, and how I thought, I would never knock on your door and ask you about your life and what you’ve been through. It was then that I defined my philosophy that stories belong to those who live them. I do not share my children’s personal stories (their background) with anybody but their doctors, and only when it’s relevant, which it isn’t any more. An adopted child is not an ‘open book.’ It took me some time to wrap my head around that and then to actually intervene and draw a hard line in the sand.”


 You're currently touring to promote your new book, The Language of Trees: A Novel. It sounds like it was a real labor of love. What advice would you give to TwitterMoms who feel like there's a novel rattling around inside them, waiting to be written?

“My advice: Set a goal and stick to it. Write every day, even if it feels like it’s drivel, even if it’s just saying how hard your day was and how much you don’t want to write. Get yourself in the habit of writing. We’re habitual creatures. I’m also a firm believer in deadlines so if you can take a class, even an online class, do it. Do it so that you will have a deadline. I think as women we will rise to the occasion when things are expected of us. Though this is not the best in many situations, here it works to our advantage because inherently we don’t want to let anyone down. So if you have a deadline and things are expected of you, well, you will make it happen. Write what you must. And don’t let anyone tell you what to write or what not to write. Number one: DO NOT JUDGE THY OWN WRITING. Just get the words out and worry about editing later. That’s my best advice to start. Assume what you have to say is worthwhile.”



Do you Skype with book clubs who'd like to speak with you?

“Yes! Speaking with book clubs is my number one favorite thing to do besides writing, eating Nutella in the middle of the night, or playing with my children. I love book clubs. It’s so wonderful to talk, interact and laugh with readers. The feedback has been heartwarming.

“I just did my 6th SKYPE book group and it is just as much fun to “meet” readers and have an engaging conversation via SKYPE. I love filling people in on all the juicy details, the parts that wound up on the cutting room floor, sharing the story behind the story, how the book came to be, what happened in the publishing process, etc. People seem to love it and that makes me happy. My book is a tale of how people move on after tragedy, how we pick up the pieces and move forward. It’s a book about hope and second chances and I love that it brings people some peace of mind.”




Lea Curtes-Swenson is a happy, Minneapolis-based freelance copywriter and married mom of two girls. Find her at Lea Writes.

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