Something Requisitely Witty and Urbane

Kicking things off.  Last time I really liveblogged was election night 2004.  Hopefull this won't suck.

5:57 - I'm currently torturing myself with the E! Red Carpet until the network broadcast begins.  Ryan Seacrest seems slightly less douchebaggish because Issac Mizrahi is in their Red Carpet Interviewer.  I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Joan Rivers.

5:58 - I don't miss Melissa, though.

6:01 - Rox Populi - "At some point, there's going to be a joke about the broadcast lasting 525,600 minutes."

6:02 - Sign of the Apocolypse: Issac Mizrahi interviewing Ludacris on the Red Carpet.

6:04 - I know her music is great, but what did we ever see in Dolly Parton?  "I love the glamour. We didn't have this kind of glamour where I grew up."  At which point she took her "Country Witticisms and Cliches" handbook, and tucked it neatly into her cleavage.

6:08 - Irony Defined by Ryan Seacrest - "Issac, our man fighting through the bushes on the red carpet."

6:10 - I'm sensing that there's been a ton of watercooler talk in Hollywood about Jon Stewart that has basically gone like this: "He's a Hollywood outsider... he could say ANYTHING!" And everyone seems really, really excited about it all.  Now if only we could get him to run for office.  He's already got his slogan!

 

Other possible slogans include, "I'm not gonna be your monkey," and, "Dick Cheney shot a man in the face."

6:28 - It's official: I have a gigantic crush on Felicity Huffman.  She just looks amazing.

6:35 - The Red Carpet Coverage on ABC is awful.  Just awful.

6:49 - Best news I've heard in the last 14 minutes. "Only 11 minutes to go."

6:53 - "I'm standing next to the President of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences, Sid Gardner.  Sid, what's your prediction for tonight's show?"

"It's gonna be a great show.  A great show."

America's most creative citizens find a home in the Academy.

6:57: I'm officially getting butterflies for Jonny...  Do you think he'll do a musical montage?

7:04 - Opening montage was a little forced, but I chuckled at "The flannel's down there too."

7:09 - "Both are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth.  Needless to say, both are period pieces."  That was funny, but he's kinda bombing.  Very Steve Martin-esque.

7:11 - "  Bjork couldnt' be here tonight.  She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her."  Genius, and the first really big crowd response of the night.

7:15 - The "Nothing remotely gay about the historic western" film montage was hilarious, but the crowd didn't seem to think so.

7:17 - Best Supporting Oscar is up first.  Nicole Kidman presents it with the worlds longest run-on sentence ever.  It goes to Clooney.  I picked Giamatti, and I'm beginning to think that his sympathy awa... wait, he beat me to the joke.  Good for him, though.  I'm not sure any actor has done consistently good work for the past 5 years. "Proud to be part of this Academy, proud to be out of touch."  Really, really great.

7:21 - I hate the music behind the acceptance speeches.

7:24 - So, more thinking... this blows my predictions all to hell.  On the other hand, Jake Gyllenhal not winning may not bode well for Brokeback.

7:26 - Veronica is liveblogging too.

7:27 - Ben Stiller and the green screen bit: not funny. UPDATE: The look on Spielberg's face, though... genius.

7:28 - The Visual Effects awards, otherwise known as "America takes the largest simultaneous piss ever recorded."

7:30 - "The Amazing Green Unitard" may be my new nickname for Ben Stiller.

7:31 - Reese Witherspoon presents Best Animated Feature. Translation: "You aren't quite there yet, dearie."

7:33 - That "Fuck!" you just heard was Helena Bonham Carter's exlamation when her husband's head exploded.

7:35 - Naomi Watts, "Please welcome a woman I've admired my whole life - no, seriously, they told me to say that - Dolly Parton."

7:37 - Why did this song nominated? Me thinks the Academy simply wanted Dolly Parton on stage.  This song is horrible.

7:39 - What the fuck was that terrorist "abort!" clip?

7:42 - Lori's liveblogging as well.

7:43 - That Scientology bit was fucking funny.

7:44- I was hoping Six-Shooter would win!!!!! Just kidding, no one ever sees the animated shorts.  "Rory, I hope you can make it here next time... if they let you in the country."  Awesome.

7:45 - The Animated presenters bullshit is getting old.  It was cute back when we were all still amazed by it.  And, by the way, can Owen Wilson go ahead and thank Ben Stiller for his continued career now?

7:47 - Handdrawn Animation fawning is soooo last year.

7:50 - Jennifer Annistan is pretty pissed because she really thought "Along Came Polly" was gonna be her Annie Hall.

7:51 - It's Russell Crowe!!!! Hide your women and children!!!!

7:55 - The show always drags a little bit, but this has been pretty horific so far.

7:57 - Steve Carrell has become the new Hollywood darling, and I for one welcome him.

7:58 - Collin, in the comments - "

Here's what I'd like to see: Will Farrell and Steve Carell arm wrestling backstage to decide which of them is going to change the pronunciation of his last name so that it rhymes with the other's."

Will Ferrell and Steve Carell were really funny.

7:59 - Well, at least the Chronic-what?-cles of Narnia get a nod, otherwise that is setting itself up to be a completely useless franchise.

8:01 - "Imagine making Russell Crowe look like he got in a fight."  Jonny's warming up.

8:02 - Why do they insist on backloading this show so that the first half is incredibly boring?

8:03 - Morgan Freeman presents Best Supporting Actress.  I hope Keener of McDormand wins, but I'm sure it'll be Reese Witherspoon... blah.  McDormand is thinking "Of course, they choose the clip where I talk about pissing."

8:06 - It's Rachel Weisz... That's really shocking to me... By the way, the Brokeback snub continues thus far.

8:08 - I'm all a twitter about Good Night, and Good Luck.  I would love to see this film take several Oscars, mostly because it was a great film, but partly because I'd love to see Mark Cuban have to make an acceptance speech. 10 bucks says he mentions NBA refs.

8:12 - In case it's never been said on this blog, I'm a huge Lauren Bacall fan.  She can, simply, do no wrong. UPDATE: Except completely fumble through her speech.  I guess it could have been a teleprompter issue.  But a nod to Film Noir... that I'm in on.

8:17 - "They all sound so foriegn to me, and that's not right, especially during a time of war," and, "Cheekbones so improbable they may well be flecked with Goddust."  I'm laughing as hard as I have all night.

8:21 - George Clooney's interior monologue: "Alright... enough already... I get it.  I really am quite something."

8:22 - Forget Brokeback Mountain, the real cultural war going on at this year's Oscars are in the Documentary category.  Will Enron beat March of the Penguins?  The answer, is no... Chance number 1 of 2 for a Mark Cuban sighting passes with little fanfare.

8:24 - To: Jennifer Lopez

            From: Dylan

            CC: Tom Cruise

            Remember 2003, when you were a big star? I know, it seems like just

            yesterday.

            Overexposure's a bitch.

            Dylan

8:27 - Isn't the lady singing the song from Crash the same lady who played Toby Ziegler's wife on The West Wing? UPDATE: It is.  Kathleen Bird York played Congressman Andrea Wyatt.  Who knew she could sing?  Next you'll be telling me that Kristin Chenowith is a famous Broadway star.

8:33 - Interesting note from the Red Carpet.  Sandra Bullock's dress has pockets.

8:36 - I'm pretty sure the Academy has to issue a fine for mentioning Sam Jackson's name without also using the word "cool."

8:38 - Ahhhh yes... The Day After Tomorrow... one of those movies that really inspired America to think.

8:40 - Jon Stewart: "And none of those issues were ever a problem again." That made me giggle.

8:43 - The Academy President: "There is nothing like the experience of seeing a film in a darkened theater..." That line probably would have played better if he hadn't looked like he was pleading with the audience.

8:50 - Brokeback wins its first award, and it is for score.  I'm virtually positive that Ang Lee thought his night would be building up to a much bigger climax by now.

8:57 - Gyllenhal smirks at the Portable DVD crack.  The world is changing, Hollywood.  Wake up and smell the content! The new blood gets it.

8:59 - Has anyone else noticed that Back to the Future seems to have made that jump from decent 80's flicks to classic in the past year or so?

9:01 - Jessica Alba and Eric Bana.  I'm not sure if I've ever heard two more phonetic names.

9:04 - I'm not sure that was a Kiwi thing or a shout out to Randy Jackson.

9:05 - Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep.  That was a risky bit of performance, but it was really funny.  Old school. UPDATE: Actually... pretty genius.  I'm not an Altman fan, but they nailed it.

9:10 - Ok... I have to go off on an Altman rant here... I just don't think Altman wears well.  His films are dry and wandering, and rarely seem to make the point to me that they were supposed to make.  I'm sure they were groundbreaking, but not even MASH works for me, now.  I can watch The Player, and that's about it.

9:11 - James Wolcott: "Jack Nicholson - The King of Hollywood.  George Clooney - The Future King."  Probably true.

9:17 - If you listened really closely you could hear it, but that moment right there was the moment I got sick of M. Night Shyalaman.

9:19 - Is it possible that the first Academy Awards utterence of the word "pimp" just occurred?  I can't help but think that this must have been what it was like for the GI generation when they heard the theme from Shaft performed for the first time on the Oscars.

8:22 - Unfortunately this really isn't that great a hip hop song.  That singer wouldnt' even have made it on American Idol.

9:24 - Not that the other songs were any good, and not that I wouldn't normally be pumped about a hip hop song winning an Oscar, but that song suuuuuucked.

9:26 - "You know, I think it just got a little easier out here for a pimp."  Line of the night.

9:28 - Just as I was typing "Jennifer Garner can do no wrong in my book," she almost trips.  She handled it gracefully, though.

9:29 - Think Peter Jackson is pissing George Lucas off yet?

9:30 - Ahh yes... the deads.  I don't know why, but I find a sick, twisted fascination in finding out who gets the biggest applause. It's like a post-mortal pissing contest.

9:34 - Toss up between Anne Bancroft and Richard Pryor, who barely beat out Shelley Winters.

9:39 - Translation of what Will Smith said: "This is what a black man with a fading movie career looks like."

9:41 - "For those of you keeping score at home - Martin Scorcese, zero Oscars.  Three Six Mafia, one." THAT was the line of the night.

9:44 - Hillary Swank is so mannish that I can't figure out why she always looks so good.

9:45 - Ok... this has got to be Phillip Seymore Hoffman, right? At the very least I need to get one prediction right.

9:48 - Whew! PSH wins.... I'm really, really glad.  He is, very simply, the greatest character actor working today.  This also could foreshadow a Brokeback shutout.

9:50 - That was a really sweet speech by Hoffman. 

9:55 - John Travolta has been nominated twice.  The mind reels.

9:57 - Jamie Foxx... I'm tired of you.  Best Actress.  I'm pulling for Felicity.

10:00 - Reese Witherspoon wins.  I've nothing to say.

10:04 - From Aldahlia. "Reese Witherspoon is an Academy Award winning actress now.  She and Marisa Tomei should have lunch."

10:05 - The award for most asinine acceptance speech ever goes to...

10:10 - Ok... Brokeback wins for screenplay.  This strikes me as the, "we wanna honor you, but not look like we're honoring you" award.  You know, when Right Wing outcry can scare off Hollywood, you know things are fucked up.  I dunno, I guess it's possible that the other movies were better.

10:13 - Uma looks amazing as always.  George Clooney will be the star of the night if he wins this screenplay award.

10:14 - It's Crash.  That's a good pick... probably not a good foreshadowing for its being the sleeper to win Best Picture, which probably means Brokeback wins.

10:19 - Tom Hanks gives the award for directing.  Ang Lee wins.  Brokeback has got to win Best Picture now, right?

10:22 - Jack gives the Best Picture award, and his mere presense on stage gets the loudest applause of the night.  It's good to be the King.  Holy Shit... Crash won.  That's just huge... I'm not sure if Capote would have been a bigger upset than this.  That's a really, really big deal.

10:24 - I think Jack Nicholson swatted the female produce of Crash on the ass.

So, in retrospect, if a political message was going to be sent by Hollywood, it was a duel one: Thank you for having the courage to direct a gay film and thank you for making an honest look at race in America.   The good news is, Fox News will have a very hard time parsing this result tomorrow...

10:27 - What a classless move, cutting off the acceptance speech.

In the end, I think Jon Stewart did a better job throughout the show than he did during the opening.  He did well enough to be ok, not well enough to be asked to do it again.  Somewhere between Steve Martin and Chris Rock.

I'm done, everyone.  Thanks for hanging around with me, guys.  This was fun.

 

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Obviously, I type too fast for liveblogging.

The opening was more than a little uncomfortable--Stewart seems like a fish out of water, and when they show the audience reactions, I can practically see the thought balloons reading "This guy's a lot funnier when he's making fun of *other* people..."

cgb

Agreed, Collin. He's been much better since towards the end of it though.

It looks like Naomi Watts got Bjork's dress *after* "Cheney shot her." What is that?

Is it just me, or does Naomi Watts always look stoned ever since she did 21 Grams?

He'll catch his stride...I hope.

I'm blogging too, btw.

Yeah, I agree. I've always disliked the long opening--it almost always ends up coming off like watered down standup, and that's not Stewart's strength. I think he used the break to collect himself a little and get back to what he does well...

I missed the fuck. Gotta love Ms. Bonham Carter.

Umm...Jane Austen would surely nod in approval?!

Here's what I'd like to see: Will Farrell and Steve Carell arm wrestling backstage to decide which of them is going to change the pronunciation of his last name so that it rhymes with the other's.

Yes, we are full of the pompacity tonight, Collin.

Care-ul and Fuh-rell would have been even better without the last 15 seconds of calling attention to the joke. But hey, at least they made sure that the last. person. in. America. who wasn't aware of the joke now knows. Whew.

I just can't summon the love for Steve Carell.

Lori, you should really give the Office a chance, then. It's pretty genius.