Repeat: Serene. Not Serena.

This blog is going the way of the dust bunny: swept up unceremoniously and tossed to the side.

There is a lot in this here blog that must be retired. Old heartbreak, ancient adventures, terrible grammar, and silly inanity. Also, having a more public job merits the internet filtering.

However, please don’t leave my life. I’m starting fresh at smashless.com. It’s a password protected site, so let me know if you want in. The good, the bad, the stupid, the dumb – it’ll all be there. Just like old times. But with more privacy. This means you’ll get more of me with increased frequency.

Does this new start with my cloak of privacy mean I have grown up? Probably. Let’s grow old together! Shoot me an email at gimmesome [at] smashless.com and I’ll add you to my registered users.  I hope to hear from you on the dark side. Darksied. Heh.

I came across this just in the nick of time:

Pep Talk: Be gentle with yourself, my darling. There’s no need for all this pressure. You’re doing great, life is getting better by the moment, and, in reality, you have no problems.

Thanks Daily Pep Talk From A Best Friend. Kindness and compassion for yourself is critical. I recommend you try it sometime.

Things are good here. Really good, in fact. This is notable considering my lingering issues with sleep. Mostly in that it totally escapes me. I am watching A LOT of Daria these nights.

On to the good bits:

• I got the Dream Job. My official title is Web Producer. The desk will be in the hygge building that houses a Seattle public radio station. I busted my tail to get that job, crawling over 160 other applications, interviewing with 7 intimidating smart people, and killing many trees for portfolio packets. I start next week.
• I found a new D&D campaign! I am playing a half-orc rogue. Go ahead and scoff, but I can’t think of many things I’d rather do on a normally boring Sunday night. (Also, playing 4th edition is an unexpectedly hard transition.)
• I am teaching myself Ruby. I want to be a better schemer, and the community around both Ruby and Ruby on Rails is amazing thus far. Next step: take over the world.
• I am taking more photos. However, I cannot post them. I know I am not adding anything of consequence, so it’s difficult to justify posting them. Let’s just say that I am falling in love with my surroundings again. I have the snow to thank for that.
• My important friendships are flourishing, despite my sudden departure from Facebook. The site became an ugly reminder of parties I wasn’t invited to and family members I don’t talk to and friendships long neglected. (Truth time : I was  also visiting the site in alarming numbers.) Trim the fat, as they say!

To my special friends who held my hand as I embarked on this scary step of figuring out my career, thank you. I have been but a shell of my normal cynical naysayer self, and I have to admit that this brighter world is pretty inspiring. Thanks for being here with me to celebrate.

The universe gifted me with a blanket of still and quiet and fat flakes floating from above, soothing my rattled nerves. Seattle came to a halt, and I took the hint. I slowed down, appreciated the moment, and crawled within myself.

How subtly, yet dramatically, the scenes change; the environment in constant renewal and dynamic change:

The silence on the street may have been jolting (as I live in a vibrant neighborhood populated with night owls), but the lone whoop of a jovial reveler made me smile:

11:46pm, 1/11/11 from Serene Careaga on Vimeo.

Best of 2010 from Serene Careaga on Vimeo.

Song: Jonsi, “Go Do”

Ah, Sleep, that sweet mistress that lulls your tired soul into a dark and isolated magic land in which you go to bed in a depleted state and awake a new person.

That is, if you can sleep.

You lucky ones who go to bed confident that sleep will be had without anxiety make me jealous. Maybe even enraged. Not at you, of course, but at this repeating curse that makes my life unbearable, one sleepless night at a time.

I wouldn’t say I have insomnia. I’d say I have sleep cycle issues. I will sleep okay for a few months and then BLAMO my life goes into a topsy-turvy space where sleep cannot be had and my thoughts take a turn for the bizarre and my feet become as heavy as lead and work drags on more than normal. I fall asleep at inopportune times, like in the middle of a favorite book or during a conversation, wake up after that magical hour of sleep exhausted, and then move myself to bed. My efforts are fruitless because I never again capture that sweet morsel of relief from the itchy eyes and my barely functioning body with tingling skin.

I lay there trying to manage my breathing and try to lull my heartbeat into a slowed pace that means relief is on its way. I toss, I turn, I sweat, I count sheep, I stare at walls, I watch stupid movies at a near muted level, and yet I never get to dance with the sweet mistress ever again.

I can’t wait until this is over.

You guys, I graduated.

(This is about as climactic as it’s going to get, as I am a Fall graduate without any pomp or circumstance or tassels or stupid Mylar balloons, so bear with me.)

The weird thing is, I feel as lost as I did before I came back to school. This feeling is really disconcerting, thus the turn to the old bloggy-blog.

There is one really important emotion that keeps bubbling to the top, one that needs to be shared, and it is that I am grateful for everyone who supported me on any leg of this meandering journey. I have stopped and stalled so many times, for a variety of reasons that still seem valid. So, if you are that special person on the East Coast who proofed my admission essay to UW, or if you are the ex who played cheerleader while I decided to make the leap from underemployed cubicle monkey to starving non-traditional student, or if you are the high school best friend who always believed in me, take whatever pride you are feeling for my and firmly take it for yourself. Seriously. While my immediate family may habitually fail at supporting me, you all have believed in me. I owe whatever future accolades or successes to you.

Expressive outburst aside, I keep asking myself, “so, now what?” The cringe-inducing question about future plans makes me want to bury my head in the sand until everyone forgets I graduated. Grad school is out of the question as I stare at the $40,000+ student loan debt. I am trying to hustle as hard as I can to find my dream job while I have the luxury of full-time employment until April. I am furiously reading The Anti 9-5 Guide (generously gifted by another amazing friend) trying to find networking and career advice for the introverted and quirky.

Earlier today, I was frantically describing my job search to a poor innocent, and watched as my chaos and stress steam-rolled right over her. It was in that moment that I realized I iust need to breathe. It’s so cliched, and there is nothing that annoys me more than writing Hallmark-ed, overwrought cliches on my corner of the ‘tubes. But, there you go: I love you all, and just breathe.

Enjoy your holidays.

Two weeks of school left.

One week of internship left.

First day of December.

Half-way to 32.

Read More »

Just in time for falling leaves and scarves. YES.

Happy Dia de los Muertos!

I really do love this holiday, and not just because I’m half-Mexican. If you have endured the pain of losing someone, you may find comfort in marking a day to remember and celebrate their lives. I find great joy in remembering laughter and funny stories; maybe you can find warmth in the holiday too.

Where they all are, I do not know. But I hope today they know they are in my heart.

Hug your loved ones.