New Year's Eve Ball
- Stories
Most people bring in the new year with aspirations of change, or with well-intended but worthless resolutions. I brought in my new year with a hemorrhoid.
I awoke groggy and a bit hung over on the first because I went out to a club New Year's Eve. I drank too much champagne, plain and simple, that and I ate to much. There were also all sorts of hors d'oeuvre, like cocktail franks, chicken wings, and cheese and crackers. I ate everything, and then I sat down on the toilet the first afternoon of the new year to get rid of it.
Without thinking about why, I pushed really hard to shit. Maybe it was because my head was pounding so hard, and I wanted to get the shit over with. Well, whatever the reason, it was the worst decision I had made in a long time.
I did not think about what hurt at first, only that something in my ass felt hot and then made me think I had been pinched inside my ass hole with a pair of tweezers. Maybe the turd was too big, I thought. But no. When I wiped I encountered more pain than I have felt in years; on the bottom of my ass, protruding out from my ass hole, was an incredibly swollen, painful-to-the-touch, little ball.
"Holy shit, what the fuck's that?" I yelled. I couldn't touch it without feeling pain. Wiping was sheer torture, both for physical and mental reasons. Being in pain is one thing. Wondering about what is hanging out of your ass is another, especially when the weightlifter who blew out his own ass hole is plastered all over the internet. (Editor's note: You can search for that picture if you want to. It gives me the creeps and I do not feel like linking to it in this lifetime.)
I duck-waddled back to bed after eating a few ibuprofen and drinking some Gatorade. Later in the day I tried to do some chores without luck. I could barely manage to walk. Last night I awoke twice from scratching my ass in my sleep.
I had no idea how much a newborn hemorrhoid hurt. Today the pain is a bit less, but it has spread out around the little ball, which is still swollen tight. I remember once I broke a blood vessel in my hand playing football. It hurt like hell for days, and afterward there was a big bruise from the rupture that was sore to the touch for a week. This is what is probably happening on my ass, right now, which is horrifying. I'm sitting on a few witch hazel pads as I write this; they seem to help alleviate the pain a bit. Not enough, of course. I may have to suck it up and see a doctor if the swelling doesn't go down.
What a way to break in the new year. My resolution should have been to take my time shitting.
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19 Comments on "New Year's Eve Ball"
Get to a doctor! Don't be embarrassed. He has seen it all before and even went to school to learn about hemorrhoids among other things. I think he may tell you that your problem didn't just appear or happen with that one bowel movement, it's been there inside you, for a while and you just then managed to push it out. What to do about it now is another question, one that the doctor can answer. Please go and find out.
First off, feel lucky you're only getting to this experience now. I've had hemmies since high school!
Witch hazel works but you can also try some women's OTC vaginal itch cream, like Vagisil. it has lidocaine in it and does a pretty good job of toning down the hurt and itch. I use their brand wipes when my hem's are acting up, that way I have a wet wipe (which is ESSENTIAL) plus it has painkiller in it. Don't waste your money on pre-made Tucks pads.. just make your own witch hazel pads. Buy some cotton pads from the cosmetics aisle and some witch hazel from the 1st aid aisle. combine the two and store in a tightly sealed container. SO much cheaper.
if you go to the Dr. see if you can get some Anucort suppositories. they do a good job with shrinking the vessels back down to size.
Stay regular, stay smooth my friend.
Thanks to the advice of a chiropractor I have not been bothered much by hemorrhoids for years. His advise was to always wash your balloon knot with mild soap and warm water after each bowel movement. Before I started applying this sage advice I had trouble frequently although I think my asshole met the cleanliness standards of the general population.
An Air Force doctor once prescribed bed rest with an ice cube wrapped in plastic stuffed up my ass to help reduce the swelling. This seemed to work very well although in retrospect I think that half of a two stick popsicle might have been easier to insert. The popsicle will probably make your sheriff's badge sticky but should bring relief. Fudge would probably be a good choice of flavor.
Good luck.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!
Every time I read about hemorrhoids, I get some sort of weird twitch by my anus--it's like my anus knows how painful that would be and it cringes. My husband has hemorrhoids and I buy Preparation H cream for him--he applies it with a damp wad of toilet paper and it seems to do the trick. If you want to prevent them from flaring up in the future, drink a lot of water and eat plenty of fiber...avoiding straining/constipation is key to preventing them.
An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!
Hemorrhoidal harmonica playing tips:
1. Place a b-flat harmonica snug between the buttcheeks in a position where the hemorrhoids provide a tight seal.
2. Fine tune with both ani externus and internus sphincter adjustments.
3. Toot.
Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.
You will need to grab that bad boy tightly with a pair of vice grips, twist it around about a dozen times and yank real hard. You will likely need to be liquored up real good prior to the procedure, but I think our renowned sommelier, Chez Tbutt (pronounced Tay-boo)can recommend a few good pairings. Good luck.
Oh, man ouch!
Everything comes down to poo.
Wow LOL. What a waste of a good harp.
Everything comes down to poo.
Chez Tbutt (pronounced Tay-boo)here. First of all mispronunciation of zee name is zee beeg mistake. Say zee name wrong and ze vice grips will be replaced with zee shears.
Zee best way to losen up for zee procedure is to first use zee warm sake for zee sitz bath, zen you can rewarm zee sake an