explains

Dear Lipstick Librarian,

I’m a (male/Kathy Lee Gifford devotee/CEO of Microsoft) — can I too be a Lipstick Librarian?

–Feeling Left Out

Dearest Left Out,

To be a Lipstick Librarian, one does not need to be of a particular gender, sexual orientation, or even color-coordinated! Lipstick Librarianship is a state-of-mind, an outlook, and (if any one of the networks ever return my calls) soon-to-be-made tv mini series. Lipstick Librarians come from all walks of life, from the stereotypical little-old-lady with the tasteful cardigan and matching Calvin Klein undies (if that’s all she wears) to the system librarian who has managed to keep his yellow knit tie stain-free for at least a month. There are those, however, who will never be able to attain LL-ship. They are:

• The current cast members of Saturday Night Live
• Anyone who insists on wearing their clothes backwards, and/or displaying logos of famous athletic shoe manufacturers
• Jim Carrey
• The lady in the Ford Explorer last Tuesday who was trying to diaper her kid while barrelling down the Expressway holding a latte and talking on her cell phone. You know who you are, sister!
• Anyone who wears the image of a duck, a pig, a bunny-rabbit, or any combination thereof, on their clothing.
• Jim Carrey fans
• Librarians who would actually use the phrase “I have a stupid question….”
• People who carry around more things in their purse or briefcase than what’s actually in their desks
• Anyone who finds Jim Carrey even remotely attractive

Dear Lipstick Librarian,

What do you predict will be the hottest library fashion trends for the end of the millennium?

–Slave to Fashion

Dearest Slave,

Mme. LL sees the ’60s and ’70s influence continuing will into the next decade. One particular trend will that ’70s mainstay: embroidered smocks –so handy when dealing with those ink-jet cartridges and drooling coworkers. Look for smocks lovingly crafted by otherwise surly, drunken sheephearders from the Hebrides.

Fishnet stockings, long a favorite of can-can dancers and my uncle Timmy (who we don’t talk about) will make a roaring return on the library fashion scene, albeit with a ’90s twist: they’ll be made with real fishnets –a durable yet environmentally-conscious look. Check for the “no-dolphin-netted” label!

Finally, that symbol of disco decadence –spandex– will make an amazing comeback for its versatility as well as its capability to increase Windows NT network performance by 48%. This far surpasses the 27% increased-performance benchmark established during the ’40s snood and open-toed wedgies revival.

Advice Challenged?

Having trouble telling the difference between mauve and sienna? Not sure what matches with your Todd Oldham plaid jacket and Anna Sui headband? Consult with someone who knows just what you go through at the reference desk!