Shia comes face-to-face with his career in 10 years.

• Jason Hendrix

  The more the movie fails, the more the script wins.

  And firsties.

• Mark

  I haven’t seen it and thanks to this now I don’t have to. I’m glad someone else out there hates crappy cgi.

• theeditingroom XdudeX

  “Use map on Harrison” Ha ha man! I really did hate those stupid CGI animals, it totally worsened the movie. And what the hell was up with the beginning scene with that horrible elvis song? Yeah, we know it’s the 50′s. It was so pointless.

• sam

  Oh God, please don’t let people start saying ‘first’ here as well.

  Great script.

• rocko

  dear god, the more I think about this movie, the more stupid it becomes. I try not to think about it, but c’mon! Who the hell shoots a double-sided dart (because they so obviously exist)?? seriously, the only (absolutely only) thing in this movie that felt like Indiana Jones was Indy getting pulled into the cars by the russians, and then fighting his way to the other side of the car onto shia’s bike. Everything else is like vomit and candles mixed together.

• Shawn

  I was expecting an Ewoks joke with the monkeys. Because the first thing I thought of after the entire scene with monkeys was “George Lucas and his fucking Ewoks!”

• buttcheese

  “City of Gold? Isn’t that what Nicolas Cage was looking for in National Treasure 2? Are we seriously getting the plot for our shitty sequel to Indiana Jones by ripping off the plot of a shitty sequel to a shitty knock-off of Indiana Jones?”

  Seriously. WTF was with the treasure from all the various civilations? How did that get there?

  I really, really wanted to like this movie. I was willing to just accept it on its terms and let it happen to me, but when it turned out to be a non-stop stinking pile of shit, I just couldn’t enjoy it on any level.

• www.randombob.net random bob, a.r.c.

  I am SO going to have to see this movie now!

  Who knew it was going to be a comedy?

• Spellmage

  To be honest the only way I think movie sequels can be good these days is if they change the director and in this case the writer, with the exception being X men 3 and Jurassic Park 3. Spiderman 3 was shit, the Star Wars prequels were shit, Fantastic Four 2 was worse than the first one as impossible as that seems.
  To be honest I think in this case George Lucas’ ability to fuck up every movie he’s involved in seems to have passed on to Spielberg. Fuck it’s spreading, first Lucas, then Raimi, now Spielberg.

• Johnny

  Sorry, Rodster- you obviously DIDN’T GET IT! Those weren’t ALIENS!! They were interdimensional beings from the space between spaces!!! The Spielberger rewrote modern mythology saying that what we thought were extraterrestrials all these years were actually beings from another dimension. BLOWS your mind, don’t it? Watch the movie again, keeping in mind that very premise and it’ll ALL make sense. For example… Yes, the monkeys looked fake- that’s BECAUSE they WEREN’T MEANT TO BE REAL!! The not-alien-but-interdimensional-in-origin crystal skull manifested those monkeys (and the bugs for that matter) to assist the good guys in their plight against evil. Remember the skull had great powers?? You really think all it could do is attract metallic objects? No, SIR! It was helping Indy all along — which is why he survived the nuke, the triple tumble down the raging waterfall, and the cliff dive (that car catching rubber tree– you’ve guessed it!!). I expect a full retraction!!

• Jordan

  Awesome script, but why no mention of the ridiculous ant scene? I like how they’re supposed to be super deadly but when Blanchett gets bitten by one she basically just goes “ow” and moves on.

• Sean C

  My disgust captured in solid form. Excellent script.

• DarthXan

  1st friggin shot of the movie is a cgi prairie dog… and after the nuke there’s more prairie dogs, and then monkeys… U know 100% that must have been George Lucas’ idea with the friggen cute furry animals. Ewoks ruined ROTJ, Jar Jar, although not furry, ruined Phantom Menace, and now these things ruined this (among all the other problems mentioned). They killed a classic trilogy. Just coz this movie exists, the others suffer. I wish I could un-see Indy 4 and just remember the good ol classic trilogy.

• CJ

  I went into the movie with severely low expectations, and the movie certainly delivered on that, so I actually had a pretty good time watching it, even though it was clearly terrible, and I certainly would never want to see it again. The only part that *really* upset me about it was them surviving THREE huge waterfall drops. I mean, come on – he’s not Superman. Each of those drops was, like, many stories tall.

  Spot on with the National Treasure 2 thing. I kept hoping that they’d be running through a tunnel and run smack into Nicolas Cage & co, on a different quest through the same underground area, look at each other in bewilderment for a second, and then continue on their separate ways.

  I’m counting on SOMEBODY splicing together the movies on youtube, once the DVD of this comes out, to make that a reality.

• derp

  Fuck the haters, I enjoyed this movie. It had its problems, but was much better than Temple of Doom at least. Face it, if anyone’s childhood memories are so sensitive that a harmless movie like this could seriously tarnish them, then you all are much too neurotic and cynical to deserve precious childhood memories in the first place.

• benzo

  Why does George Lucas have to suck the magic out of everything? First he turns the Force into some kind of blood disorder and now an Indiana Jones movie that ends with fucking aliens.

• Ameer

  Loved the interactive fiction references. Did you by chance ever play Zork or Adventure? Some references to those would be highly amusing.

• Spellmage

  My point exactly Benzo, George Lucas just isn’t a film maker but just because he has cash believes he is. After all when he came up with the original trilogy, other directors and producers helped him, with the prequels I think Lucas just got big headed and said to everyone while holding up a big wad of cash, ‘I’ve got the most money, I don’t need anyone elses advice. Now I have an idea for an amphibian thing that will be even better than the ewoks that everyone loved.’ Seriously I think Lucas should just retire and hole up somewhere instead of fucking up classic movie franchises, I mean he’s easily got enough money.

• Chris

  Ha Ha, brilliant script and well worth the anticipation of waiting. This movie is terrible, especially the “Nuke the Fridge” scene which gave birth to an alternate jump the shark term for movies.

• Ryan Ferneau

  Did you know that in the first draft of the script for Back to the Future, Marty was going to get back to the future in a lead-lined refrigator as a nuclear bomb test provided the energy to the time machine?

• Andy

  I was laughing my fucking ass off after the first few lines about the cgi prairie dogs and the Rocky and Bullwinkle reference. Great script man.

• Sean C

  Heh, I noticed that too, Ryan. At that point I thought “So they’re stealing ideas from themselves, now?” Nice that they included the line “Those things are death traps” to keep with their original reason for not using the concept in Back to the Future. By “nice” I mean “not worth the awkwardly-filmed effort to get Indy standing in front of a mushroom cloud.”

  Benzo/Spellmage: Lucas’ narcissism comes from the days of THX-1138 and American Graffiti, and even the days leading up to Star Wars’ release. After being the sole architect of American Zoetrope’s downfall, nobody believed in him. He would show early cuts of Star Wars to his friends, and save for Spielberg, their response was “I don’t get it, George.”

  My theory is that when Star Wars made bank, Lucas decided that he would do whatever the fuck he wanted, no matter how ridiculous, to cheese off those who held him down in the past. These long years have turned him bitter and angry, to the point where he says yes to every one of his own ideas (simply because he is able to) and where his cynicism comes out in his projects, examples being all religious backgrounds turned into scientific explanations (The Force evolved to Medichlorians, Ark of the Covenant/Mystical Stones of Shiva/Holy Grail evolved to Interdimensional Beings with Magnetic Skulls).

  Honestly, though, all I blame Lucas for is the rejection of Frank Darabont’s draft, and even then, it’s only theorhetical. Most of the blame for this eye-igniting entry to the Indiana Jones franchise goes to David Koepp, who couldn’t write his way out of balls. All he had to do was stitch together a compelling journey from action scene to action scene with cool traps and some witty banter, and he failed miserably. I paid nine bucks for one good snake joke. Fuck the bozo. I want his head.

• 84summers.livejournal.com Brandon L. Summers

  Numerous flaws, and far more Lucas than Spielberg, but still fun. I was only truly disappointed by the CGI monkeys, because I was hoping Mutt was going to develop a fear of monkeys the way his pop has a fear of snakes, and grandpa has a fear of rats. It didn’t happen. The monkeys became his silent allies in an awful, arbitrary cartoon bit.

  Rod Hilton is tremendously insightful and original, as always.

• --The-Joker--.bebo.com –The-Joker–

  I had no problem with the aliens… but then I was kinda ready for it, seeing as how it’s been rumoured as a plot point for YEARS (one draft was called Indiana Jones and the Saucermen from Mars). It was no dumber than that really old knight in The Last Crusade.

  The whole jungle section though; that shit makes NO SENSE. One minute, the russians are chasing Indy, the next, they start absailing down the cliff, despite not having the skull, and not knowing where they’re going.

  And my biggest problem;

  HE ONLY USES HIS WHIP TWICE, IN THE FIRST TEN FUCKING MINUTES.

  And he only gets called “Indiana” or “Indy” about four times.

• theeditingroom XdudeX

  I still liked this movie as it was better than Die Hard for the simple fact that it still had an Indy touch for me. What about you Rod? This or Die Hard 4?

• Sangwyn

  Your script was, unfortunately, dead-on and flawless.

  “Unfortunately” because you illustrated perfectly why George Lucas needs a lobotomy.

  Marry me, dammit.

• www.lancereviews.homestead.com Lance

  “Harrison Ford emerges from the fridge with his face covered in black soot, holding a sign that reads ‘ouch’.”

  BAM!

  Way to hit that nail right on the head with the Wile E. Coyote, Looney Toons reference, Rod! Out of all the Indy movies, this was the most unbelievable, cartoon-like one ever! And I LOVE Raiders and Temple of Doom(not so much Last Crusade). Lucas and Spielberg have changed Indiana Jones from a semi-believable tough guy who does what he has to do, into a fucking cartoon character.

  Easily the best script you’ve done in recent memory, and a hell of a great read. Well done, Rod. Bravo!

• Al

  Rod: Funny as usual, just a question. While i read it i detected quite a bit of anger in your writing i didn´t catch in other scripts, is it my imagination?

• Ryan Ferneau

  Honestly, though, all I blame Lucas for is the rejection of Frank Darabont’s draft, and even then, it’s only theorhetical.

  Oh, I think I heard about that draft once, and it actually sounded even worse than the final movie. At least it’s nice to know that they fixed up a bad script rather than dumbing down a good one.

• Alexandru Duta

  That was the best Monkey Island/Indiana Jones & The Fate Of Atlantis/Any point&click LUCASARTS adventure game REFERENCE EVER!

  Never knew Rod for SUCH a video game geek (besides the movie guru we all know and love).

• Chris S.

  Thank you, derp. You said what I came here to say.

  I’m tired of people screaming “CHILDHOOD RAPE” simply because a movie is released a couple decades after the previous installment. The Indiana Jones series thrive on ridiculous pseudo-science and farfetched situations. They’re B-Movies by two guys who love B-Movies. And yes, it WAS better than Temple of Doom.