A Little Background
I was a good kid. I’m a good person. Good wife, good mom. Good friend.
I had a good childhood. Good parents. Even though my brother and I fought a lot, we played together all the time. My brother and I were pretty competitive for attention. I always thought he got whatever he wanted. But he thought I did too. I think that is pretty normal for siblings.
I had really good, close friends. Many I am still very close to now. We are always there for each other. No matter what.
Growing up I did have a friend that, honestly, I felt inferior to. She was the one who was always noticed, remembered. I was a face in the crowd, forgettable. No one purposely made me feel that way. But I did. I made up for it by being the nice one. Reliable and loyal. Those are honest traits of mine and I am proud of them. But they didn’t make me feel special.
I never felt good enough and it affected my relationships. I was with someone who did not pay much attention to my feelings. My feelings were ignored if they were not considered relevant or convenient by this person. Either silently or directly ignored. It infuriated me.
I finally realized I needed to feel important. Respected. I needed to know that when I spoke, I would be heard. That my feelings mattered. I have that now with my husband. But I still struggle. I feel so personally hurt when I feel I am not being heard. This happens mostly with my kids these days. But they are not responsible for those feelings, that hurt. They are just kids and I developed this hurt a long time ago.
It is very hard for me believe that I matter, that I have something to say, and that I have a right to be heard. I still feel like I fade into the background. Forgotten. No one really made me this way, I somehow evolved into it. It is my responsibility to remind myself that I do matter. That I can express my feelings and I have a right to be heard. I have to listen to myself. If I don’t listen to myself, how can I expect anyone else to listen to me?
Comments
I NEVER thought of you as forgettable…Just wanted you to know that. Heck, even after moving away in the 6th grade and not being able to find you for 20 years, I still remembered you, even though I forgot several other names from elementary school. Your name is one of just a few that I would always search for when trying to reconnect with the friends I lost when we moved away. So when thinking of adjectives for you, forgettable is just not one that would ever come to mind.
Thanks, Donna. I thought of you many times over the years as well. It is so hard to change a perception you have of yourself but being reminded by others of how they see me is a great help!
Joining you from SITS! Happy SITSday! You know, I have felt this way myself. I often think of myself as forgetable. That people I have met in the past won’t remember me the second time I meet them. That is sad isn’t it? I have struggled with fitting in quite a bit and have to push myself out of shyness to make friends and build relationships. I wish it came more natural. Thanks for your post. It makes me feel like I am not the only one