Why It Sucks To Not Be A Coffee Drinker
by Gigi Ross on March 10, 2013
I don’t really dig coffee.
There. I said it.
I mean, I drink coffee occasionally. But when I do, it better have a lot of sugar, a lot of milk and a lot of flavoring.
So that it doesn’t taste like coffee.
I don’t like how coffee makes me feel.
Plus, I’ve not ever wanted to go down the path of something that is addictive. Except for reality TV, of course.
I realize that with this confession brings a certain set of consequences.
I risk being shunned by nearly everybody I know.
It’s kinda like Breaking Amish, only it’s Breaking Caffeine.
It is tough to be a non-coffee drinker in a Coffee Drinking Culture. Actually, it kinda sucks.
You see, the Coffee Drinkers of the World inadvertently created a Cool Kids Club. And only coffee drinkers are allowed. Members only.
And that Cool Kids Club membership has it privileges. Swanky ones. Ones that I don’t get.
I Don’t Get To Post Some Ecards On Coffee.
I don’t post those Some ECards on Facebook that talk about coffee. Like this one. Do you know how many of these I see on Facebook on a daily basis?
325.
I don’t get to post them, and I don’t get to laugh at them. Because that would be stupid. Because I don’t get why it’s funny to be addicted to coffee. Because I’m a loser and don’t drink coffee.
I could try to post something like:
Somehow, I don’t think I’d get 100 LIKES on that, like all of those Cool Coffee Kids Get On Their Some E Cards.
Pfft.
I’m A Buzzkill During Morning Meetings
If you have to hop on a conference call for work anytime before noon, the first part of the initial pleasantries usually involve coffee:
“Oh! I’m so sluggish! I’ve only had one cup of coffee so far this morning.”
“Yeah, me too. I can’t get moving without my coffee.”
My contribution to the conversation would go something like:
“I drink tea. And why would I need coffee to get moving in the morning when I have a husband whose favorite thing to do in the morning is grope me while I surf the internet, a dog with separation anxiety that lays on top of my face at 6:15 every morning and two kids that wake up and immediately fight about important issues like what happens when you’ve divided 37 jelly beans equally and there’s one left over?”
Yeah, that’d kind of be a buzzkill to the whole cheery caffeine vibe, huh.
I Have No Excuses for Missing Deadlines or Not Responding To Emails
You see, anyone who drinks coffee has an automatic excuse for screwing up on anything. I am not sure why a coffee addiction is a valid excuse for forgetting to get your work done, but it is.
“SO sorry I didn’t meet your deadline for this very important project! Not enough coffee yet!”
I don’t have that luxury because I don’t drink coffee.
I mean, I couldn’t say, “I totally haven’t had my third cup of Earl Grey tea or my bowl of Kashi Cinnamon Harvest cereal yet! Sorry I didn’t respond to this!”
That would be totally not accepted. Bullshit would indeed be called on me.
I couldn’t say, “I was completely busy in my underground meth lab and your email got pushed down in my inbox! Sorry!”
I couldn’t say, “I meant to get you that white paper, but I was a little tied up. No seriously, I was tied up in my Red Room of Pain. With silk scarves. And…other stuff. Sorry!”
I Don’t Get To Have Cool Coffee Themed Pinterest Boards
The cool kids have entire Pinterest boards devoted to coffee. Coffee mugs, coffee makers, espresso machines, pictures of pretty lattes, infographics about being a coffee addict, fair trade coffee beans and YES. More SOME ECARDS about COFFEE.
I have boards devoted to food I’ll never make, crafts I can’t create, and clothes I have no business spending money on.
People Hate Me When Traveling
So when I’m traveling, I get up. I get ready to go do whatever is planned for the day. And I go do it.
I have little patience for the 30 minute stop at Starbucks EVERY day of the trip. It’s not budgeted into my day. I can be working. Or schmoozing. Or sightseeing. Or whatever the purpose of the trip is. I am not on the trip to SPEND MY DAY AT THE COFFEE SHOP talking about HOW I NEED COFFEE. And then SMELL like coffee the rest of the day.
Am I the only person that doesn’t enjoy Eau De Burned Coffee Beans?
So, yeah. People don’t travel with me much.
The good news is that my husband doesn’t really like coffee, either.
We’re made for each other.
{ 21 comments }
Yes, but you save a lot of money. This stuff ain’t cheap! (I rarely buy it out so I can only imagine how much those people are spending!) I do enjoy me a good cup of coffee in the morning though…
I laughed at the things that really wake you up in the morning!
Love this. I hadn’t had a cup of coffee in more than 6 years and then it was always loaded with everything to make it taste different. Then, all of a sudden, this winter, I got really cold and I had run out of tea and hot cocoa and I had leftover sample K cups for the machine my husband got me so I wasn’t embarrassed when I had no coffee to offer guests. So, I brewed one cup of hazelnut loaded with milk and sugar and it was not bad and OH MY the caffeine almost put me on my ass. I don;t know how people drink so much in one day! Now I did sort of like it so now, every so often, I will have a cup and my brain will freak out for hours. I guess I am just trying to figure out the huge allure. And facebook, from 5 am to 10 am on twitter what the hell should we tweet about without coffee? Sometimes I have to leave because the whole stream is starbucks. Anyhoo, love you and oh, my husband wakes up and drinks a GIANT glass of ice water. Yeah, not a coffee fan.
Brittany´s last blog post ..40 Tasks for 40 Days – #40DayProject
As a tea drinker, you can probably still ride on the coffee-excuses by substituting the word “caffeine” for “coffee”.
But no stops at Starbucks during trips? Sometimes those stops are equally as much for the break as it is for the actual coffee.
Laura´s last blog post ..Cameron at 3: An Interview
Hahaha. This is great. I used to hate coffee, but like you, I’ll drink it if it doesn’t taste like coffee. And I’ve got that down to an art on my Keurig. Because of that, I am not a coffee addict, as long as it still counts if it doesn’t taste like coffee. =]
Lindsey´s last blog post ..the sunday currently
I have never developed a taste for coffee either. As a tea drinker, I hate that having a cup of tea when others grab a cup of coffee takes so much longer – if you can even find hot water. Dunking a tea bag in a cup of water heated in a microwave just takes too long.
Chrystal´s last blog post ..Road trips make me nervous
All of this is so true! Sadly, I am a coffee addict. But I will admit that all of your points are 100% accurate.
You’re so funny, I love it.
Shannon@MishmashMama´s last blog post ..The State of Things
I don’t drink coffee either, I have never even had one cup. I like a frappuccino and of course I live at starbucks for their iced tea. I would like to break that one just for the money, and starbucks went up in price again. My paycheck goes down and starbucks goes up. Whats with that.
Candi´s last blog post ..Lemon Ricotta Pancakes
I’m not a coffee drinker either. My least favorite part about it is that people I know (bloggers especially – which is sad) seem to look down on me because they can’t understand how I function without it. Granted – for a long time I’ve had a diet coke addiction… but I’m trying so hard to give that up too.
Julie´s last blog post ..Postcrossing…
WOW. I’m not sure I can follow you anymore. I mean I AM TheMomCAFE and my blog has coffee cups all over it. And I don’t function without my coffee… I will rethink this friendship and get back to you.
HA! Just kidding! I love your DE-caffienated self!!
Chris Carter´s last blog post ..My Big, Wide Road
Thank you!! Now I know that I am not alone anymore.
I seriously thought that I was the only person in the world that didn’t like coffee. I will say that it smells wonderful but I simply cannot get past that bitter taste that it leaves in your mouth.
We need to start a non-coffee drinkers group.
Jackie´s last blog post ..Monday Menu – Pumpkin Cheesecake
I hear ya — I’m not a coffee drinker either because it simply ruins my digestion, sigh.
I also used to feel this way about smoking. I grew up around smoking and all the smokers in my family and at work when they started making smokers go outside. Smokers have automatic breaks built in — you can’t just walk away from your desk and go stand outside for 10 minutes, or it’s unlikely. They bond and make friendships that might not normally happen, bonded over that “Aren’t we bad” feeling.
Also, it was an elegant habit — at least with my mother — beautiful fingers, elegant blowing out of smoke, a whole social folderol of people tapping out cigarettes and lighting each other’s. Very envious. Even when she got ephysema. Fortunately for me, my body wouldn’t tolerate smoke either or I probably would have succumbed to the “cool” thing.
Instead, I’ve gotten all fussy about tea and carry some around with me everywhere, like a security blanket or perhaps, wait… like a cigarette….
Cynthia´s last blog post ..Lighten Up and Love Deeply
I’m with you. I don’t get the obsession with coffee. My husband loves it all coffee, cappuccino, espresso, demitasse – ugh – I can’t even stand the smell. I live off of tea and iced tea…and go into Starbucks and proudly order my Trenta black tea with 2 splenda everyday!
Debra´s last blog post ..Getting The Gold! A St. Patrick’s Day Kids Craft: Making A Leprechaun Trap
Gigi,
I know what you mean, I have a couple of good friends and also my husband who never drank coffee and don’t understand why anyone would waste time doing that.
I love coffee, though now I can’t have it too often because of health reasons. I think having a cup is addictive for the same reasons some people can’t fathom drinking it — it’s a ritual. It’s a way to stop the clock, early morning or mid-day, and devote a few minutes to something that just has to happen.
I actually think it’s not a bad idea, though I suppose there are healthier ways to unwind…like wine -;)
Olga´s last blog post ..The One Milestone They Should Skip
I used to be a HUGE coffee drinker. Like can’t-move-my-ass-into-gear-if-I-haven’t-had-my-coffee type coffee drinker. I was also a huge PITA because of it.
I’ve cut down a lot in the past 5 years. I drink a lot more tea. I have no qualms telling people I prefer chai. I do exploit people’s love of coffee on Facebook with funny someecards though.
Alison´s last blog post ..What Were You Like In Kindergarten?
Not a coffee drinker either. I think it tastes like soapy dishwater.
That said, I’m pretty much useless without my morning cup of tea.
Kristin @ What She Said´s last blog post ..All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten
I’m going to have to do one of these on why it sucks to not be an alcohol drinker. Yeah. Good times.
Tammy´s last blog post ..Kids Know Awards for Everyone are Stupid. Because They’re not Stupid.
I’m late reading this one but I’m not a coffee dinner either. Really seems to mess up the “let’s grab coffee and chat” offers.
Darcy´s last blog post ..Behind the Blog: A Day in My Life With 2 Kids
I really can’t stand coffee, either. Not even with all the add-ins. But you get me some iced tea and I will go to town!
Also, weirdly, I LOVE coffee ice cream. But then again, it IS ice cream.