KDUNK

Dear Lili,

One of your favorite things to do with Dad is go to the Brooklyn Museum on the weekend. You two hop in in the car (after Dad gets his much needed coffee) and off you go. My favorite parts of your visits with Dad there are the photos you two send me on your various adventures. Sometimes you are in fun, new parts of the museum. Sometimes you are making funny faces. Sometimes you take pictures of the art you saw to tell me about later.
Today you sent this one to me and said: That looks like my mommy…

Nothing makes me happier than to hear you two bound up the steps to tell me about your latest adventures.

xo

8 DAYS until I start my life back at work. And all I want to do is hold you. Not share you with anyone or anything. Curl up in your bed and cuddle. Hide us in this tiny apartment and listen to every word you say like you are talking for the first time. Play dolls with you and take back all the times previously in the last 3.5 years I was too busy or wanted ‘a break’. Hold your little hand and walk you to the park. Go on a treasure hunt after school. See your little face after tub time and tuck you into bed. Call me ’emo’ but it’s hitting me a little hard today that Mama will be leaving you in the care of someone else while I go and bring home some money. You have said over the last few weeks a number of sweet lines showing you too are working out the kinks to this upcoming transition.

L: Mommy…will M (the sitter) know how to cook my food? But what if she makes it too hot?
L: Mommy…will M know how to read the ingredients? (for allergies – this one killed me to the core)
L: Mommy…maybe YOU can work at the office and DADDY can stay home. How bout that?
L: Mommy…can I visit you for lunch at your office?
L: Mommy…maybe M (the sitter) can just come for ONE part of the day…like breakfast…
L: Mommy… I will miss you when you go to the office

That last line has been said a lot in the last few days. I always try to listen and allow you the feeling but then I follow it up with something positive. Today I said, ” I know. I’ll miss you so much too. But…”
You cut me off and said, “I know Mommy. You go make us some money for a new house!”

I love you my sweet little girl.
xo

Dear Lils,

I’ve thanked you before in the past but I want to thank you again. Thank you for being so ‘glass half full’ most the time. You make my life so much richer and more full as a result. Corny I know. But true. I couldn’t do it without you.

Last night and today you had a fever. I hate when you have a fever. I chose my upcoming job for many reasons but one specifically was the amazing benefits offered which allow parents to be parents when their child is sick. The amount of sick days, personal days, etc. included sounded like the best possible plan for our family.

So…today I was a little melancholy. I couldn’t help but get the sense of a sand timer starting as I counted down the days until I start work. Not in a bad way. But I guess the fact there is one day in my near future where I will wake up and you will have a fever like you have today and I won’t be the one home making you soup the way you like it, bringing you cold drinks and stroking your little hot cheek all day.

It’s ok. We’ll be ok. I said to myself a few times today.

In the afternoon we decided to go for a small walk to the deli and back. I got a seltzer and you got a lime pop. On our sunny, peaceful stroll home I brought up the reminder that soon I would be going back to work again at an office as I’ve been mentioning over and over again the last few weeks. I also rattled off a list of all the amazing people that would be around should you need them for anything – neighbors, close Mom friends, etc. You were quiet, not saying much and happily licked your pop. I hoped you were listening.

Tonight when your Dad came home he peeked on you in your room. You had been asleep for a while – still feverish. From the kitchen I heard you in your room pipe up and in the most happy, enthusiastic and strong way say, “Dad…did you know (and then you listed the neighbors, close Mom friends, etc. I mentioned earlier) will be AROUND if I need them for anything when Mommy goes back to the office?”

Thank you for listening.

xo

Dear Lili,

When I was little my Mom and I used to do sun prints: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sun_printing

I always love doing what I consider a little ‘country’ project here in Brooklyn. It was a perfect zen way to relax after school despite the madness of kids around us screaming like banshees. Many of the kids of all ages stopped to admire our work saying, “Cool! What is that?!”

xo

Dear Lili,

Over the weekend you had another growth spurt. Some of them in your life have been subtle and others are so ‘in your face’ it’s like watching a flower grow in fast forward right before your very eyes. We spent a lovely, sunny, happy weekend on Long Island ringing in the first days of summer with family and good friends for Memorial Day weekend.

Something about this trip changed in you. You were a pure joy to travel with despite the ‘standing room only’ for most of the not so air-conditioned train trip. You have no longer been ‘snacking’ between meals and have really held out until actual meals for which you say loudly and quite present, “I’m hungry!” (PS – I’ve attempted this 100 million times before btw and it’s only now working). You ate an ENTIRE large piece of flounder cooked merely in olive oil and salt. Go you! As we know getting you to eat ANY protein is our biggest food challenge. You played nicely and happily by yourself. You were very easy going during transitions such as the morning of Memorial Day when I awoke at 7:52AM remembering there was a 8AM parade I wanted to take you to. Your eyes fluttered open and I was literally standing there over you in the dark, “Wanna go to a parade?”

I love you. I am so proud of you. And I honestly feel like you’ve spent the last two weeks and counting trying to ‘reassure’ me in some way that you are so very fine and excited by life and growing. Your timing is perfect as I couldn’t feel more reassured as I approach my new full-time job start date of June 20th. Thank you for being such a team player.

Over the weekend your Dad and I also shared a parental milestone as we watched you loop around a carnival ride (train caboose) on your own waving to us on the sidelines. Why this photo is sideways I have no idea but it’s 3:28AM and tech support is passed out on the couch asleep.

That little wave crushed me with cuteness every time you looped past us in your little shades. I even shed a small tear.

When you first got on the ride I must admit I had a pause letting you though the gates on your own. The carnival guy lead you over to the ride and I yelled out to him a little desperate sounding:

K: Want me to strap her in???

The carnival guy smiled back at me and said, “Lady, she’s good.”

And you were good. In fact you were great. I promise you Lili that I’ll fight the urge to want to forever strap you in. But I’m your mother. I’ll secretly always want to keep you near. And even if your future high school prom date thinks it’s lame… I plan to stand there by the stretch limo, tapping on the tinted glass…waving like a fool.

xo

Dear Lili,

Your mother has had a long, winding road of careers in her lifetime. It took me a long while to get where I landed. I think this was a good thing. I would encourage you to try the same when you are older – if not – the shorter version.

When I reflect back on my various career paths I now see that despite how random the paths were they were all headed more or less in the same direction. In some small way…together they made me a more well-rounded individual. Or at least nothing else – a good cocktail party guest with lots of stories.

Some of my careers off the top of my head include:

I worked in a bakery. A perfume factory. I designed live action game show props. I worked in fashion. I wrote full feature articles for magazines. I opened celebrity fan mail. I babysat. I modeled fashion in a small runway show. I was a cater/waiter. A cocktail waitress. I was briefly a bass player in a pop punk band. I worked in a post-production studio. I worked as a waitress in college at a truck stop in Virginia. I worked for the National Scrabble Association. I managed a team of 3D digital animators. I worked in a film production office. I was a wardrobe stylist for HD TV shoots. And…the list goes on.

My last job before getting pregnant with you Lili was as a Writer/Producer On-Air for a popular women’s TV network. At the time I stayed up late worrying about things like fashion/models/girls gone bad and other things that haunted me slightly when thinking…yes I went to an all women’s college. So?

I joke but I am forever grateful for all my jobs and especially for my last FT one as I never learned so much about Writing/Producing in such a small amount of time. People trusted me and gave me opportunities I will forever be grateful for that got me where I am today.

Speaking of today…

Today Lili…(really Friday) I accepted an offer for my ‘dream’ job. It starts at the end of June. Something that has made me feel as if I’ve truly come full circle in my career, my life as a writer and also as your mother. I will now be the: Writer, Nick Jr. On-Air – for Nickelodeon’s preschool division. That’s right Lili. Mama not only lives and breaths the two to four-year-old demographic but can now write about it too. I know you were a little curious if at my new office I would run into our buddies we watch every morning – Little Bear/Peppa Pig/Olivia, etc. I promise I’ll say hello for you if I do. And no matter what you have my word that I’ll make this time working worth while for our family. Thank you for all your love and support Lili. I couldn’t have done it without out. Truly.

K: Lili, what do you want to do when you grow up? L: Feed bunnies

K: You got it sister. L: Mom…you’re not my sister

L: Mom…do you want to go to my school when you turn little?

L: Mom…what’s courage? K: Well…the strength to do something hard or scary. L: Can I have courage? K: Sure you can. Always. L: I’d like pink courage…ok Mom?

Lili carrying baby doll around…K: Lili…you are such a good mommy. How did you learn to be such a good mommy? (pause) L: My Dad taught me.