If this blog were a child it would be a five-year-old today, and I would buy it Star Wars action figures and a bake it a chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting in my mom’s old Mickey Mouse-shaped pans. Happy New Year/Blogaversary, Awkward People!  Here is a poem that I think is about forgiving yourself:

Attende Domine (Thomas Lynch)

To lie in the tub on New Year’s morning
awash in bath oil and resolution
observing the Feast of the Circumcision
is to seek the water’s absolution,
according to the law that juxtaposes
Cleanliness and Godliness. I suppose
it is time to examine my conscience,
to make a clean breast of it and amends
to such as those I might have offended.
Attende Domine et miserere! Lord
I’ve sinned with my eye and did not pluck it out,
and with my hand and yet my hand remains
blessing myself against your righteousness.
I’ve sinned with my mouth and loved the sound it made.

I took an honest-to-goodness vacation (I saw family and friends and met a camel and read Goblin Emperor, finally) instead of writing intense 2015 recaps or 2016 pronouncements, so, let’s just dive back in to what we do here.

Today’s question is about when a past toxic relationship bleeds into the present. How do you know what’s reasonable to ask for? And how do you correct someone or set a boundary with a new partner without constantly calling back to the old one?

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Dear Captain,

My husband is serially unemployed. Over the 8 or so years we’ve been together, it’s been a cycle: 12 months employed, six months unemployed, 18 months employed, 1 year unemployed, six months underemployed freelance, on and on.

I have been fortunate to find well-paid work in my field and have no trouble staying employed full-time. In the past decade, I’ve never been away from work for more than 10 days straight.

Now, on the one hand, I am so glad I can cover the bills every time he gets laid off or fired. I think we have an above-average marriage. He’s my best friend. Of course I’m going to support him through the hard times.

On the other hand, what about me?

There are days during his unemployed periods when I really resent that he can sleep in, work on his side-dream of being a writer, play his xbox, collect unemployment and apply for jobs. He’s basically having a six-month vacation, except for an hour a day of job applications.

Even as I type that, I know it is unfair to him. He isn’t choosing to be unemployed. But my jerkbrain keeps reminding me that he has had more free time in the past two months than I have had in the past 15 years.

But I can also acknowledge that it is probably depressing as hell to keep being let go by companies.

I tell myself that I don’t want him to feel like I am punishing him for getting laid off, nor do I want him to feel like he needs to “pay” for his unemployed periods by being my personal slave when it comes to household chores. But, OK, on some level, that kind of is what I want.

I just… Would it be wrong to ask that since I do at least 8 hours of paid work a day and he does 0, maybe he could put in some extra hours of unpaid work around the house during this time to take a little stress off me? Or something else to balance the load? I feel like he owes me. He has said he feels like he owes me too. But it feels wrong on some level to want to collect on that debt.

Can you suggest some self-talk to help me stop feeling like a victim of my own success? And is there a way to bring up couples counseling to talk this through that won’t feel like I’m attacking/judging his work history?

Conflictedly,
Someone else’s safety net

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Sadness from Inside Out lying on the floor with the text “I’ll just lie here until tomorrow.”

If you are feeling down at this time of year, this is your thread for general chitchat and commiseration. (If you love the holidays, there’s a thread just for you).

What you should know about comment moderation, in addition to general community rules:

• I am grading final projects and traveling and seeing family & friends and not paying much attention to the blog.
• Therefore, I’m closing questions for the time being, opening them again in the new year.
• The spam trap eats perfectly good comments and no one knows why. I’ll fish ’em out when I can, but it might not be quick.

2016 is right around the corner. May we all make it there in one piece. <3

Will Ferrell as “Buddy” from Elf looking extremely excited

If you love this time of year, this is your thread for general chitchat. (If you hate the holidays, there’s a thread just for you.)

What you should know about comment moderation, in addition to general community rules:

• I am grading final projects and traveling and seeing family & friends and not paying much attention to the blog.
• Therefore, I’m closing questions for the time being, opening them again in the new year.
• The spam trap eats perfectly good comments and no one knows why. I’ll fish ’em out when I can, but it might not be quick.

Wishing you a good Yule, good solstice, good Christmas, good transition into 2016.

Ahoy, Captain,

So, the holidays are coming, and there are some issues which I am pretty well obligated to deal with, but have not yet (being a weenie, largely), here’s a list of facts:

– I am transgender
– I have started hormone therapy (testosterone), my voice has dropped noticeably, I should probably shave, and an awful lot of people in the community call me by a different name, and he/his pronouns
– I am closeted to one rather conservative maternal vulcan uncle
– I am closeted to both my maternal and paternal grandmothers.
– I am known to be transgender to my other uncle, and his wife and children
– both grandmas live within a kilometre of me
– I am 24

My maternal grandma is essentially the matriarch of the family. It is considered unspeakably rude to point out when she is wrong. She doesn’t know. I’ve tried to tell her, she lives very close and I see her at least once a week, but she’s very conservative, likes being in denial about things she doesn’t like, and is starting to develop Alzheimer’s. Either she ‘forgot’ or she forgot. So, how do I tell all of these people? How do I deal with this at the holidays? Should I just shave, put on drag, and count on everyone around me to ignore the obvious? Being trans is an obligate coming-out, so I know I can’t put this off forever. If not this year, I have to deal with it next year, and short of moving overseas, I don’t know how I’d avoid that.

– A Transponder

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Dear Captain Awkward,

I accidentally found a diamond ring in my boyfriend’s bag when he returned home from a recent trip to see his family. We have been together for three years, but have been on rocky territory for a while. We had a fight shortly before he left to see his family, which led to me saying I thought we should get counseling, which he wasn’t super interested in. As a compromise, I said we should give ourselves two months to work on our issues, and if we couldn’t make headway, see a counselor, and then…. ( I realize I didn’t make it explicit in our conversation, but I meant that if we couldn’t make things right, we should break up, as four months will take us through the end of our lease).

I’ve been feeling not great about the relationship, and seeing the ring, and the oh fuck feelings it brought up, makes me realize that I’m basically done. However, he is not an asshole, and I don’t want to to hurt him. I am worried he may be thinking of a Christmas proposal (there is a suspicious package under the tree), which… please no. No no no no no no no. How do I head off this potential proposal off at the pass? Or, if that isn’t possible, how do I very gently let him down if he does propose?

Saddling Up the Nopetopus

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dear captain awkward,

> winter break starts soon
> staying in dorm costs too much
> can’t fly home, too far
> PANIC
> v warm v nice family offered home (3 hrs away) to stay for winter
> BUT it was during summer visit
> not sure if offer still stands
> not sure how to ask – awkward
> (have backup plan but entails staying w virtual stranger – awkward)
> help w the email? scripts?
> rules/etiquette of couchsurfing?

thanks a ton,

surfing nothing but a wave of anxiety

Hello Surfing!

Email the people who made you the offer today and ask them if it still stands. “Hi, hope you are well! My winter break starts on (date), and I am writing to see if your offer of a place to stay is still open. Happy holidays, You.” Winter break is coming up soon, so don’t leave it for another second!

As for couch-surfing etiquette, five things come to mind:

• Make your physical footprint as small as possible, especially during the day. Don’t spread your stuff out all over the place, take a second to tidy up the area where you’re staying each day and make sure that the room is usable for other purposes by the people who live there.
• A self-amusing houseguest is a good houseguest. If your hosts include you and invite you to things like mealtime and weekly game night, participate and enjoy, but also make plans to take walks, work down at the coffee shop or library, read quietly, go to the movies, etc. by yourself sometimes so you give your hosts some privacy.
• Pitch in where you can – do the dishes, do laundry, babysit, read to kids, ask for ways to help out. The first couple of days they will say “Nonsense! You’re a guest!” but by the end of the week it will be nice for your hosts to have some of those chores done and not feel like they are waiting on you.
• Let your hosts know if you are not going to be around for an evening or if you’ll be home late for some reason, so they can plan their lives.
• Bring a small gift with you and send a thank you note afterwards.

Readers, what am I forgetting?