Mr Moo

Controlling the womenses Part 2

Sep 10th, 2007 by Mr Moo

The next item that a constant source of irritation was the attire of the sisters who originated from central Asia, and were more relaxed about hair covering. It wasn’t that theologically they were different. We had long ago denounced everyone who was not us, and constantly abused them. But, we tried to be fair and hate everyone equally, and conduct strategic partnerships when advantageous. We did not understand why other Muslims would not like us. Anyway, some of the sisters had a strange attitude to the Hijab, in the sense that it ended halfway up the head. Many sisters had a flick of hair visible, and this flick of hair sent many of the younger male activists into apoplectic fits of rage.

The next debate that took place was what to do with those that rejected our fine solution. Although the concept of modesty was a fine one, people would choose to interpret that in a way that was different to the Hizb. This would not do. After all, we couldn’t march women into warehouses where they would be forced to wear metal exoskeletons with integrated wheelbase and lightning conductor?

A non-threatening solution needed to be found. Our inventor friend came up with a portable miniature modified overhead projector that PROJECTED the hijab onto women. The film ‘Lawnmower Man’ had been out for a few years, and our ‘Q’ liked his gadgets. This portable projector would allow an observer to quickly draw on his pad, and a full hijab would appear on the lady in question. This was first done on plastic transparencies, but the inventor was not an artist, so his personal interpretation of the hijab was not accurate. We also noticed sometimes it was incomplete on the prettier ladies, but we gave him the benefit of the doubt.

To use the machine, we had to point the projector at the lady, and press the red button. The inbuilt scanner would scan and the image analysed for prohibited hair display. It would then select an appropriate hijab and project it back. As our inventor, during his demonstration, told us ‘initially it was based on Windows 95 operation system, but due to inherent system instabilities and lack of a sophisticated graphical user interface, Windows95 was dropped and the system was based on a UNIX computer operating system.

The brother who was typing up the minutes was still staring at one of the incomplete-hijab-hair-flick-showing sisters and mistyped the name not as ‘Unix-based Projection’ system but ‘The Eunuchs Project’

This led to the drafting of infamous press release ‘The Eunuchs will Project Modesty onto the Womenses of the West’. A front organisation was set up, the ‘Convocation for the Projection of the Head-Covering’. The whole plan was pulled at the last minute, not because of any strategic objection, but the machine itself was not working as planned. Apparently 24 projectors were needed per person to get a full 3D view of the hijab, and the concept of 24 volunteers surrounding each hair-exposing lady, fanning out and putting their Eunuchs projectors on was a step too far. The Hizb just didn’t have the money. Yet.

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