I/O Psychology Blog

SKILL BUILDING

Now that you know your assertive rights, you need to learn how to enforce them through assertive behavior.  It will do little good to say, “Stop manipulating me!”  To halt manipulation you must change your response to it.

Broken Record

The primary reason we lose in conflict is lack of persistence.  We hear “No” and give up.  Instead we must learn to be persistent and keep saying what we want over and over without getting angry, irritated or loud. Assertiveness is not aggressiveness;  angry feelings only cloud things.  Another key is not to be bated into offering reasons, logic, or motivations for why we want something.  If you stumble into trying to logically justify your wants, you will be immediately vulnerable to manipulation.  However, a little empathy does no harm (“I can see your point, I would feel the same way, but I want _____”), but let that be the end of it.  Phone solicitations provide a great place to practice.

Me:      Hello

Sol:     Is this Dr. Deviney?

Me:      Yes it is

Sol:     Dr. Deviney, I’m calling on behalf of the Under-Privileged School Boys of America, and I see that you have been a past contributor to UPSBA.

Me:      That’s right, I have contributed, but I don’t respond to phone solicitations, can you send me something in the mail?

Sol:     Yes, of course, but we’re having our annual fund drive, can I put you down  for $50?

Me:      No, I don’t give to phone solicitations; can you send me something and take me off your phone list?”

Sol:     Yes, of course, but it will help a lot of poor school boys if I can count on you for a $50 pledge.

Me:      No, I don’t give to phone solicitations

Sol:     I appreciate that, but the need is so great”

Me:      No, I don’t give to phone solicitations”

Broken record does several good things for us, but primarily it allows us to avoid manipulation and remain focused on our goal.  Verbal self-discipline enhances our self-respect.

Common sense dictates that in some situations self-assertion may not work so well, and a balance of restraint and assertiveness is likely to work better.

Mugger:          Stick ‘em up.

Me:                 Yes sir, how high?

Police Officer:           Please show me your license and registration.

Me:                            Here you go.

Some commercial situations may not allow you to be successful either.

Me:                  You sold me faulty tires and I want you to replace them.

Salesman:      Sorry sport, those were sold without warranty – read your contract.

Workable Compromise

If you have the right to assert for your needs, so does the other fellow.  The long term goal is actually a negotiated, workable compromise.  Consider the faulty tire conversation in light of compromise.

Me:                  Mr. Salesman, you sold me faulty tires and I want them replaced.

Salesman:      Sorry, those were sold without warranty – read your sales contract.

Me:                  I’ve read the contract and realize that you are correct; I see there is a “no warranty” stipulation.  I wonder if we can work out something else?

Salesman:     Well, I could offer you another set of tires with a warranty, and at a significant discount.

Me:                  That sounds reasonable and workable, what do you propose?

Free Information and Self-Disclosure

Assertive people are skilled in initiating and maintaining open dialogue.  Free Information allows us to ask questions, listen and observe our communication partners.  In problem solving it can be extremely helpful to know our partner’s interests and concerns.  Moreover Free Information is a winner for shy people.  The Dale Carnegie Course actually takes this a step further by teaching a “stack” of opening questions that the shyest of people can use to open a conversation.  The real purpose of Free Information and Self-Disclosure is to promote open exchange which can be used for a variety of purposes.

Wife:               (scowling) These concert tickets just came in the mail; they’re in the back row. With crummy seats I’m not so sure this is a good idea. (Free Information)

Husband:      Sorry that happened.  I’m still willing to go if you want to.  (Free Information and Self-Disclosure)

Wife:               I appreciate that, let me think about it.

Notice the back-and-forth nature of FI and SD and how that facilitates potential problem-solving.

Coping with Criticism:  Fogging, Negative Assertion, Negative Inquiry

When challenged, threatened or criticized we often feel anxious, guilty and defensive because we’ve been trained to feel that way.  However, our negative reactions need not be automatic; it is possible to cut the learned emotional puppet strings.  Criticism is merely another person imposing an arbitrary structure of “shoulds” designed to keep us in line through emotional manipulation.

Husband to Wife:  “Are you going shopping again?  How much of this can we afford?” His obvious  judgment is that shopping is a waste of time and is expensive.  Unconstructive responses include silence (stonewalling), defensiveness (“You know perfectly well  I’ve had this planned!”) or counter-manipulation (“You mean I could have been with you, drinking beer and watching football?”).  The cycle usually escalates.

To cope effectively we need to:

• Distinguish facts from judgments
• Feel comfortable with the facts
• Inquire further about the facts; extinguish the manipulation; find out about the other person’s needs.
• Recognize that mistakes can create problems and inefficiencies, but are not always unproductive and stupid, and they have nothing to do with right-wrong morality.  Recall that Edison reflected that he hadn’t failed, but discovered hundreds of ways not to make a light bulb.

Fogging

Fogging requires you not to deny criticism or become defensive.  You become like a fog-bank – persistent, independent, non-manipulable, and offering no resistance to objects (criticisms) hurled.   Getting no reaction, the critic eventually gives up.

In form, you:

• Agree with any truth.

She:          You used the AMEX again after you promised not to!

He:            That’s right, I forgot and did that.

• Agree with the odds (any possible
  truth).

He:            If we don’t get control of the household budget, we could go broke and end up as street people!

She:          I guess that’s a possibility.

• Agree in principle.

She:          People  who retire comfortably begin to manage their finances early-on, and we certainly do not.

He:            You are right; we need to do a better job, particularly me.

In these  cases an assertive response is to acknowledge that there is some possible  validity to the criticism, but not to deny it.  After all most criticism does have some element of truth, otherwise you  wouldn’t get defensive.

A married  couple on their way out for the evening:

(Note to Reader:  If you don’t recognize this one, you’ve never been married.)

She:    Are you wearing that?

He:      Yes, I am.

She:    Well that tie does not go with that shirt.

He:      I supposed I could have picked something different.

She:    And those brown shoes.

He:      Maybe black would be better.

She:    You look like you’re dressed for a costume party.

He:      No question, fashion was never my shtick.

She:    You’re hopeless.

He:      I suppose I do seem that way at times.

She:    Will you stop that infernal fogging?

He:      I probably am over-doing it.

Fogging  requires you to listen only to what is actually said and avoid becoming defensive over implications.  You recognize that truth is a matter of  perspective.  As a learner, you think in  terms of probabilities (Will I really be mistaken for a clown?).  You reserve final judgment for yourself.

Negative Assertion

Some mistakes we make are 100% bona fide errors. We did it, no question.  Does that make guilt automatic?  No, but we must learn to assertively accept those things that are negative about ourselves, including our mistakes.

He:      You didn’t do too well with that.

She:    You’re right; I wasn’t too smart in the way I handled that, was I?

Friend 1:        That dress really doesn’t look good on you.

Friend 2:        You’re right, this style just doesn’t suit me.

A caveat:  Be careful with this skill in legal or employment situations.

Driver 1:         You dinged my bumper!

Driver 2:         Here’s my insurance agent’s contact information.

Do you have  problems receiving compliments?  Many people do.  The problem may be that you are allowing the locus of evaluation to reside outside yourself.  You mumble, act sheepish or quickly change the subject.  Try an assertive response.

Friend 1:        That dress looks nice on you.

Friend 2:        Thank you, I think it looks nice on me too.

OR

Friend 2:        I appreciate the compliment, but I haven’t really decided how well I like it

Negative Inquiry – Prompting Others to Be More Assertive with You

With Negative Inquiry we actually prompt/solicit further criticism.  There are two possibilities here: (1) What other criticisms exist that I ought to know about? (2)  How to exhaust potential criticism?

She:    Are you planning to waste another Saturday playing golf?

He:      I don’t understand,  what is it about me playing golf that bugs you?

She:    Well, you come home late and all worn out.

He:      I’m not clear, what is it about coming home late on Saturday and being tired that’s a problem?

She:    You never have enough energy for anything else?

He:      I don’t understand, what else should I have energy for?

She:    Well, we might go to dinner or a movie if  you had any energy left.

By calmly inquiring about the underlying nature of the criticism He has uncovered the real source of She’s criticism – She wants him to be available to do things with her on Saturday night.

• Be sure to avoid the temptation to use Negative Inquiry in a sarcastic  or cocky tone, “Go ahead, give me your
  best shot.”
• This skill can be helpful in commercial situations:
• An employee needs to know the full range of criticisms held by a boss, “What other things do I need to improve at?”
• A project manager needs to find the weak spots in the proposal, “What other factors should we be looking  at?”

What’s Next?

The above summary covers the first seven chapters of When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.   Chapters 8-11 cover specific applications and I won’t take you down these trails, but the titles are both intriguing and inviting for skill builders:

Chapt. 8         Everyday commercial situations – assertively coping where money is involved

Chapt. 9         Everyday authority situations – assertively coping with supervision or expertise

Chapt 10        Everyday equal relationships – working out compromises or just saying “No”

Chapt 11        Really close equal relationships – sex and assertion

-Good Luck,  DAD