Sardonika

Last week: Name a common three-word phrase in which each word ends in an "F." HInt: Major Frango is quite familiar with this phrase.

Answer: Chief of Staff.

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Observers here are watching the sea with more interest than usual, fearing it will keep rising and soon wash over this island.

Madame Zenya recently predicted danger for this small nation.

Says one expert at the Sardonika Policy Institute, “We don’t know if it’s climate change or just a really, really, really high tide.

Climate-change detractors, including Republicans in Washington, D.C., deny it’s climate change.  

As one tells SPINews, “It’s probably just land sinking.”

Meanwhile President Ruttles is taking charge and building an ark.

Name a common three-word phrase in which each word ends in an "F." HInt: Major Frango is quite familiar with this phrase. 

Last week: You are on vacation in China and suddenly find yourself panicked, needing to consult a map. What word aptly describes your conditon? 

Answer: Disoriented

President Ruttles
Foot just fell asleep. Sigh. Like, if this ever happens to you.

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Author Murdock Irving Elmore III, best known for writing The Book of Love, the tome that was turned into The Monotones’ 1958 rock classic by the same name, died yesterday.

He was 99.

Mr. Elmore who also wrote The Book of Hate, The Book of Misgivings and The Book of Sullen Ambivalence, had mixed feelings about the song.

“The royalties were great for a while,” he told friends.  “But I couldn’t understand some of the lyrics, and it didn’t tell the whole story.”

As he told SPINews last year, “My book was about much more than ‘In chapter four you break up but you give her just one more chance'. And they ignored the best parts like raging hormones and rec-room petting.”

Mr. Elmore added, "I got so frustrated at, 'I wonder, wonder, who wrote the book of love' because nobody knew the answer.  I kept telling everyone it was me!"

Most people take their final bows on life’s big stage without proper fanfare so the Sardonika Policy Institute is urging that along with wills and cemetery spots, all actual living persons should spell out what they want at their funeral.

Below is part of the SPI Full Funeral Check Sheet.  Pick one or more from each:

• THEME:  Family, Religious (Revival, Irish Wake, Animal Sacrifice), Sports (Beer Pong, Ping Pong, Putting Contest), Star Wars, Marvel Comics, Masquerade Party, Disney
• MUSIC:  Rock, Rap, Disco, OomPah, Ska, Emo, John Philip Sousa, Elevator, Zither, Country, Show Tunes
• ENTERTAINMENT:  Mime, Clown, Jugglers, Singer-Songwriter, Stand-up Comedian, Puppet Show, Charades, Superbowl Halftime Extravaganza, Cirque du Soleil
• EULOGY:  Weeping Testimony, Haiku, Limericks, Brain-teaser, Poetry Slam, Roast, Stump Speech
• FOOD:  Wine Tasting, Sit-Down Dinner, Potluck With Cheese Platter, Salad Bar, Brats and Burgers, Kegger, Old-Fashioned Pig Roast, Finger Food

Dead garage-band rockers may charge a $5 cover at the door.

OMAHA, Nebraska (SPINews) -- Five local grandmothers remain in jail here on $100,000 bond for buying pressure cookers.

The latest is Mrs. Madge Milgepump, 78, who, when arrested, protested she wanted to be ready to start canning.

The authorities were not buying it. “She was also in possession of 24 Ball jars,” one officer tells SPINews.  “Those babies can do a lot of damage.”

He said that when they searched the Milgepump home, they found “a considerable stash” of pectin which she claimed was for making jam, but he notes, now she’s in  a jam.

“Pectin, ricin, fertilizer," he added, 'they’re all lethal.”

“Look out,” warns the National Canning Association.  “First the government is coming after gun owners.  Now it’s us.”

The FBI is looking into any possible link to AARP.

OKLAHOMA CITY (SPINews) -- Politician Dennis Johnson, Oklahoma Local Yokel Party, formally known as the Republicans, said during a recent House session on small business selling practices, "They might try to Jew me down on a price ... "

Johnson, co-chair of the state’s House committee on such commercial enterprises -- apparently none of his buddies could figure out a tie-breaker -- did apologize later, adding that Jews are "good small businessmen."

"It just came out of one of the wrinkles of my brain and it was not something that was intentional,” he said, agog at the blow back since there are no Jewish members of the Oklahoma Legislature. 

As he spoke, GOP leaders guffawed, scratched their bellies and held a tobacco-spitting contest.

TUPELO, MISS (SPINews) -- Police arrested a suspect in connection with ricin-laced letters sent to President Barack Obama and two other politicians.

Charges have been filed against James Everett Dutschke, martial arts instructor and rival of Elvis impersonator Paul Kevin Curtis

Curtis was detained and released earlier in the case.

SPINews has learned that Curtis has been re-arrested and is back in custody.

"We dropped them poison letter charges against the boy," said Deputy Sheriff Garlan Fain. "But we're holding him for being a lousy Elvis impersonator."

"Around these parts, that's a hangin' offense."

You are on vacation in China and suddenly find yourself panicked, needing to consult a map. What word aptly describes your conditon? 

Last week: A Dustin Hoffman movie character walks into a bar with a cartoon bird and orders a beer. If the intials of the character, the bird and the beer are all the same double letters, what kind of beer does he order? 

Answer: Ratso Rizzo and the Roadrunner order a Rolling Rock.