Sardonika

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Observers here are watching the sea with more interest than usual, fearing it will keep rising and soon wash over this island.

Madame Zenya recently predicted danger for this small nation.

Says one expert at the Sardonika Policy Institute, “We don’t know if it’s climate change or just a really, really, really high tide.

Climate-change detractors, including Republicans in Washington, D.C., deny it’s climate change.  

As one tells SPINews, “It’s probably just land sinking.”

Meanwhile President Ruttles is taking charge and building an ark.

ATIVAN, Cymbalta (SPINews) -- A team of doctors from Pharma Without Borders is frantically trying to slow an outbreak of Diazapam here in the capital city by inoculating the entire population with Clonidine.

“There's a methadone to their madness," says Cymbalta spokeswoman Soma Percocet.  "We feel we can quickly abilify this.”

PWB physician Vicodin Cialis says, “It probably came here from visitors to Xanax, a tiny island in the Gabapentin archipelago.”  

Adds Dr. Cialis:  “Folks got too close to the island’s famous wild adderalls (above left), became way too ambien, and, well, as they say here, ‘zoloft!’”

SARDONIKA -- Madame Zenya predicts Earth Day will be canceled due to severe spring blizzards, floods, earthquakes, meteor collisions, erupting volcanoes and exploding fertilizer factories.

President Obama will call for a national lock down, as in Boston, ordering Americans to stay indoors and try to work together in a bipartisan fashion.

Taking the president seriously for once, a baby boom will come in December. 

In Next Month's Issue of the Prestigious Journal:

• Researchers link growing infestation of giant land snails in South Florida with growing infestation of French tourists. 
• Study: Climate change will make flights bumpier--and flight attendants even grumpier, if that's possible.
• Leatherback turtles gain legal protection in Puerto Rico. Ninja turtles say, "What about us?"

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Astronomers at the Sardonika Policy Insititue have released an image of the early universe which may help to explain the existence of dark energy and dark matter.

"The cosmos came into being in a super-heated oven," says SPI. "Then it expanded into the broad, lumpy, lop-sided universe we know today."

A new theory has emerged regarding the mysterious dark energy that seems to push space apart and the equally vexing dark matter that pulls galaxies together.

Chemical analysis indicates the energy results from an inflated sugar rush.  And the dark matter?

"Easy:  Chocolate." 

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Sinkholes, which have appeared recently in Florida, Louisiana and Pennsylvania, were the subject of a conference sponsored by the Sardonika Policy Institute.

Attendees were divided regarding the strange occurrences in which houses, cars and people have disappeared into the earth.

The latest victim was a 43-year-old mortgage banker taking a penalty shot on a par three.

Scientists believe sinkholes are a portal to an alternate universe. 

"Fall through a sinkhole and you're in a world where our rules of nature don't apply," says one astro-geologist. "For example, talk show hosts are polite.

"And you'll find all your missing socks."

The religious crowd claims the banker was probably gay. 

"It's the opposite of the Rapture," proclaimed Reverend Jimmy Bob Lee Swagger, standing among his throng. "It's the devil snatching the unfaithful. Furthermore -- "

At which point the ground opened up, swallowing Swagger and his congregation whole.

In Next Month's Issue of the Prestigious Journal:

• Global Wildlife Summit adopts trade protections for overharvested manta rays. The Tampa Devil Rays are demanding to be included. 
• NASA's Mars Curiosty has suffered a "memory glitch" which is common in aging space craft. The Rover forgot where it put the keys.
• Increasing numbers of manatees (no relation to manta rays) are being killed by deadly algae blooms. Sea cows have decided to evolve into land mammals and migrate to Iowa.

SARDONIKA (SPINews) -- Madame Zenya predicts the U.S. National Weather Service will start naming cloudbursts, hail storms and prolonged periods of drizzle.

Next year, the average age of cable-TV pundits -- the policy wonks who always got their school lunch money stolen -- will drop from 23 to 19.

In five years America’s sole remaining paper, The New York Times, will be a shopper.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SPINews) -- Republican politicians are ignoring, in public at least, Time magazine’s cover story on the mind-boggling high cost of U.S. health care.

Hospitals and drug companies charge outrageous fees and they pay their top brass millions -- way more than they pay their doctors.

However House Leader John Boehner took time from dodging talks on the sequester and his tanning bed and went on another profanity-filled rant to SPINews.

 “What the hell are they doing,” he fumed.  “Only $14,000 for a cancer-drug shot?  They’re giving the store away!”

But how can the middle class afford that kind of health care?

“They can,” said the speaker in charming Boehner style, “go fuck themselves.”