Elder’s Quorum Movers and Funeral Potatoes
Let me explain the pattern of service in this one ward in central Oklahoma. Friday night (8 ish), I would receive a call from the Bishop. He would tell me that a family was moving and would I have a group of elders over to “help them move” at 8 the next morning. I would scramble to call every elder and elder age man on my list (which at that time had 108 names on it). Invariably 90% would not answer the phone (isn’t caller ID wonderful?). of the remaining 10% 9% would have plans for the next day. The remaining 1% (me or my councilors) would feel guilted into showing up at 8 the next morning and find out that the family were high priests, and 9 time out of 10 hadn’t even packed. I actually arrived to move the bishop’s daughter and wondered why her washer was so heavy–it had wet clothes in it.
Where are the families? I thought if you needed help you turned to your family first. Where are the home teachers? It was just assumed that elders had nothing better to do than spend all of their Saturday moving people who had the means to move themselves.
Which leads me to funeral potatoes. My mother-in-law is one of those Saints that has had her calling and election made sure. There is an evil tradition of their forefathers in their community that the relief society sisters make an after funeral dinner for anyone that has died. Its not just a small meal for the family after a funeral of a ward member, but its a flat out banquet for any attendee of the funeral of anyone buried in their community, member or not, resident or not. Because she is one of those sisters that never says no, she makes these banquets a couple of times a month for people she has never met. The Bishop just calls and lays on the assignment.
My wife had an ectopic pregnancy a couple of years ago. The tube burst and she had to recover from surgery. The relief society called to arrange meals, cleaning, and childcare during her convalescence. When my wife explained that while she was unable to do some of those things, we had made arrangements for the kids, I could cook and clean, and we really didn’t need any additional help. My wife was then subjected to a lecture about how we were depriving people of an opportunity to serve. The problem was, we really didn’t need the help. My wife was so guilted that she acquiesced to a week of meals. We were then the recipients of many fine meals (and some not so fine), that we could not eat all of. I know some of those families struggled.
The problem I have is that many wards contain enablers. Not enough people say no because it is a priesthood leader that is doing the asking. There are evil traditions that elders move things and relief societies make food. But that is NOT the program of the church! When we moved, My wife and 2 children packed up everything we owned and left (it took us a day and we probably needed the help, but I refused to ask). Because of my bad experiences, I deprived members and my family of a service opportunity. But I thought it was better that than perpetuating the tradition.
I vastly underestimated the scope of our last move, and appreciated the help the members of the church gave. My wife had a medical procedure on her back, so she could not do much to help pack, and some of the Relief Society came and helped pack up the kitchen. For the move itself, I knew I needed help with the couches and bookcases, but found I needed much more help than that. We had three storage units to put our stuff in, and I had mostly filled one of them and started a second before the day of the move. I had donuts & breakfast burritos, and milk, juice, and water for the people who showed up.
I lived in a ward in Las Vegas that had a checklist for people before we would help them. Because of that, when I was ten minutes late for the move, I nearly missed it.
The Relief Society did not have the same sense of obligation for food. My wife had several operations before the move, and nobody offered a meal. That was for sickness, but funerals were a different story. It is like they had funeral potatoes and ham in storage, ready to put on a spread with only a few hours’ notice. My wife never heard a complaint about the funerals–the sisters saw it as a matter of pride how well they could put a funeral meal together.
It all depends on where you are from, I guess.
Comment by CS Eric — 5/1/2006 @ 12:37 pm
Comment by paul — 5/1/2006 @ 12:50 pm
I laughed out load. I can see the offering of food to the dead would be an evil tradition. Much like the egyptians leaving food in the tombs for the afterlife.
I think it would be great for the elders to prepare meals. We lived in a ward that had a three meal policy. You get three meels for a new baby. It was a ward with a lot of students, so I guess you have to draw the line somewhere. My thing was when we declined the offer, there was a tremendous amount of resistance. The reality is that we didn’t need the food. I am an able cook and we had family around. Give those three meals to a family that still is in need after their three have been spent.
That is the problem I see. People feel spent and so when there is a moment of true need, the desire is found wanting.
Comment by J. Stapley — 5/1/2006 @ 1:31 pm
While helping people move may have been the least favorite part of my job as EQ pres, I did have the chance to witness a minor miracle associated with an emergency move. The back story is complex, but basically a husband and wife had been separated and the wife had been living in an apartment in our ward, but neither was particularly active. Their lives were all sorts of messed up, but they decided to patch things up and he was moving into her apartment. They had been slowly moving things by themselves over the course of about a month. About 2 days before the end of the month, the landlord to the old place went back on an agreement and told them that everything had to be out of the place by the end of the month or he was going to charge them an extra month’s rent, plus some other (extortionary) charges, etc. In a panic, they turned to the bishop, who turned to me. We rounded up several people and trucks and showed up Saturday morning (last day of the month) to help. They had things pretty well organized and most things were ready to go. We finished moving the organized stuff by lunchtime and the family assured us that they could handle the rest of the items themselves and sent us on our way. Well, at about 4:30 or so I got a call from the wife, who was hysterical. The husband had stopped to rest for lunch and had become quite ill (probably heat exhaustion, but the fact that he had MS probably didn’t help either) and was unable to finish the move. She had been caring for him all afternoon in the hopes that he would recover enough to finish, but by this time it was apparent that it was not going to happen. She was quite helpless, but I assured her that I would take care of it. I felt pretty helpless myself, where was I going to find anyone to help finish this move on a Saturday evening with no notice. I talked to my brother-in-law, Josh (who lives in my ward), to see if he could help and, out of compassion, we resolved to see the project through, even if it took us all night.
Then inspiration struck. Josh remembered that his younger brother, who had recently returned from a mission, was getting together that night with some other recently-returned missionary friends. So I called them and asked if they wanted to turn their get-together into a service project and they agreed. Within half an hour, out of nowhere, the Lord suddenly provided 6 able-bodied young men to take care of this family. Finishing up the move was fairly easy, and we were done in about 2 hours. Immediately following, the family started to make the necessary changes in their lives and began coming back to church. They moved out of the ward about 18 months later, but they had returned to full activity in the church and last I heard they had made plans to be sealed in the temple. You never know what means the Lord may use to touch people’s lives and to get them to turn around.
Comment by Capt. Obsidian — 5/1/2006 @ 2:21 pm
That is just the sort of thing that elder’s quorums are for…sadly that is not what they are used for much of the time.
J- I guess I should have worded that a little better. On second review it does sound as if they were preparing hte food for the dearly departed. Oddly enough, that WAS a common practice on my mission in Japan. Though not by the relief society.
Comment by Craig — 5/1/2006 @ 2:57 pm
Comment by Eric — 5/1/2006 @ 4:11 pm
Comment by Justin — 5/1/2006 @ 5:14 pm
Comment by Bradley Ross — 5/1/2006 @ 6:06 pm
Our EQ also helped a widow re-shingle a shed. She supplied the shingles and we supplied the labor. Before we even started I told her that the labor was worth exactly what she was paying for it and since she was relying on the Lord for labor, she would also have to rely on the Lord for a guarantee against leaking.
Comment by Capt. Obsidian — 5/2/2006 @ 9:47 am
I’m with you on the move philosophy– sell the big screen if you need help and use the proceeds to hire a real mover. It’s amazing to me that someone living in a 2500 sq.ft. home with thousands of dollars worth of electronic devices and other niceties would even have the gall to ask the EQ to participate. Spend a little less on the home and what fills it and save some money for a rainy day– like when one needs to move.
Comment by paul mortensen — 5/2/2006 @ 11:08 am
We have however decided that we are not moving for a long time, and that we wil hire movers next time!
Comment by Veritas — 5/2/2006 @ 12:05 pm
That reminds me of a mother who, when asked to take care of her uncooperative daughter during primary, said “No, That your responsibility now. This is MY time.”
Comment by Craig — 5/2/2006 @ 12:51 pm
Comment by Chris S — 5/2/2006 @ 1:38 pm
We asked for help as soon as we knew the date for the move, and were told that it was not a convenient day. How little we knew. On the date of the move, it was just us and family (I was the only male who was both younger than 65 and older than 7, so we really did need help for the bigger stuff). We had been living in a condo next to my wife’s parents. Her dad called two weeks later, laughing. It seems the elders’ quorum had shown up that morning, ready to help with the move, and were a little offended that they had gotten up that early on a Saturday morning for nothing.
Yes, I will ask for help, but not for what I can do, and not for what professionals should do. The piano always gets packed and unpacked by professionals. It takes about 20 minutes, and they charge by the hour, but neither the piano nor the backs of the elders get broken.
Comment by CS Eric — 5/2/2006 @ 1:58 pm
Veritas, that is quite possibly one of the most repulsive stories I have heard. It doesn’t suprise me though. What good is family if they can’t be there for you?
Comment by Ian M. Cook — 5/2/2006 @ 2:05 pm
I have never asked the RS for help either. If the need ever arose, I would probably refuse their offer of meals. I have been in many of my LDS ward member’s homes and can’t stomach the thought of eating anything they might want to cook
I think people totally take advantage of the issue of service in our church. It’s not service if the people giving it are resentful and it’s not service if the people asking are fully capable of doing it themselves.
Comment by Indi — 5/2/2006 @ 2:28 pm
As our current elders quorum president, I have orchestrated one move. It was for a less active family that was poor and the wife was confined to a wheelchair. For everyone else who has asked me for help with their move, I simply tell them I will give them a few minutes at the beginning of elders quorum for them to get volunteers. If they phone me, I ask them who they have coming already.
Actually, the week after I called, the previous elders quorum president phoned me up the day he was moving and asked me to organise some people to help him move. I more or less told him to do it himself.
I learned my lesson the first around; I’m not being a moving company the second time around.
Comment by Kim Siever — 5/2/2006 @ 2:39 pm
When the Regina Saskatchewan Stake was created from the Saskatoon Saskatchewan Stake, one of the counsellors from the former stake presidency was called to be elders quorum president in his ward.
Comment by Kim Siever — 5/2/2006 @ 2:41 pm
Comment by Melinda — 5/2/2006 @ 7:49 pm
“It’s not service if the people asking are fully capable of doing it themselves.”
Honorable mention goes to Kim:
“For everyone else who has asked me for help with their move, I simply tell them I will give them a few minutes at the beginning of elders quorum for them to get volunteers.”
Comment by ed — 5/2/2006 @ 10:54 pm
I have served in two Bishoprics since then, and I try to emphasize the real role of the EQ and relief society every chance I get.
Comment by Craig — 5/2/2006 @ 11:14 pm
When our bishop asks me to organise moving, I ask him if he contacted the home teachers. If not, I pass the information on to the home teachers and let them co-ordinate it.
Comment by Kim Siever — 5/3/2006 @ 10:21 am
“Pres. ___________ it is not your job to run a moving company. I want you to know it, and I want everyone here to know it. You may wish to assign someone to coordinate these types of activities, but that is up to your discretion.”
You could see the look of relief on the new EQ Pres’s face when the SP said this.
It was good to hear, and even better to hear it from someone in authority, and said with authority.
Comment by Talon — 5/3/2006 @ 2:40 pm
#2 Paul, I love yourEQ president. Way to go. That would tick me off so bad when people expected us to pack.
Capt. Obsidian, your comments to the widow annoy me. Would you want someone to treat your wife that way if you died?
As a young widow, I had to negotiate a lot of treacherous waters and I was grateful for any help I got. I seldom asked, but still…
Comment by annegb — 5/7/2006 @ 7:04 pm
Sounds like the policy has changed. About 15 years ago a high priest was called as EQ president in our ward. He was a friend of some of the Brethren. Within a few days of his telling one of his friends of the calling, instructions came from SLC to our stake president to release him and call an elder as president immediately.
Comment by DavidH — 5/8/2006 @ 11:46 am
Comment by J. Stapley — 5/8/2006 @ 6:28 pm
That’s rot. People are capable of all sorts of things. Doesn’t mena they should have to always do everything. Personally, I think it’s great to be able to help someone have a less arduous time of things than they otherwise might. If I get up early and make breakfast for my wife on a day whe would otherwise do it, that’s service, even though she is certainly capable of making her breakfast.
Who gets this sort of luxury in deciding to move. I move when I have to, personally. And what, if someone scrapes to get into a house (a case of a voluntary move), let’s certainly deny them home ownership until they can foot the bill for movers, as well.
I recently had four days in between business trips to move my family. One day was Sunday. My wife was pregnant. I’m thankful to everyone who lifted a box. I’m thankful to the person in the new ward who helped my wife unpack dishes. I’m thankful to the student who had no particular reason to be there that hepled clean our old place. We’d have had real problems without help. It would have gotten done, but I was glad people didn’t decide to test the issue.
When our child was born, I certainly could have cooked those few meals that people brought to us. But one little sleep and work pressure, I accepted those meals.
Please, self suficency isn’t isolation.
The role of the EQ is certainly an issue. I think it is just to say that this shouldn’t be the EQP’s job, but I also think that we should know the brothers in our quorum well enough that when we find out they are moving we wouldn’t be anywhere else but their house, hepling them move, if we can, if only because it’s the last chance to help someone we love. Someone moving in–it’s our first chance to let them know we welcome them.
Enough rant. It’s at least partly the jetlag talking.
Comment by Steve H — 5/24/2006 @ 7:38 pm
Comment by annegb — 5/26/2006 @ 12:07 pm
Comment by Matt — 6/25/2006 @ 6:09 pm