My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” My Mother taught me MEDICINE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.” My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get… Read More »
Mom’s Brownies Recipe Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr “no, no.” Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again… Read More »
Are You Ready for Children? Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego’s. (If… Read More »
The Evolution of Mom Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first: Your Clothes – 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular… Read More »
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every… Read More »
My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: Feeling the Baby Move First Child: I placed my hand on my wive’s tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that… Read More »
…This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and… “Where does mommy live?” “Minneapolis.” “Where does grandma live?” “Baltimore.” “Where does grandpa live?” “Baltimore.” “And where does daddy live?” “At work!” Needless… Read More »
Parent’s Dictionary of Meanings DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: what you call your child when you’re mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not… Read More »
A small boy is sent to bed by his father… [Five minutes later] “Da-ad…” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?” “No. You had your chance. Lights out.” [Five minutes later] “Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?” “I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??” “I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have… Read More »