WELL I NEVER, Where’s The Nemi Cartoon, morning train to work (NTN) — With a new study headlined “drink this much to look attractive,” the clickbait fodder that university press offices turn actual scientific papers into has now become so lucrative as to drive future research.

Fortunately, this has not restricted science in the slightest, as press officers take literally any abstruse arXiv preprint and rebrand it as “Researchers reveal the science of” e.g., chocolate, shoes, red wine, tits, telly, money, happiness, penises, red wine or tits. As shown by our caveman ancestors.

Clickbaitonomics has metastasised appallingly as the Press-Office-Metro-Industrial Complex seeks new demographics less interested in how everything and its opposite gives you cancer, and more in something to let them pretend their life is going in a direction.

“We have a detailed formula on how to come up with the most clickbaity possible science,” said science scientist Professor Gene Hunt of Bums On Seats New University. “You need to balance the relative proportions of red wine, chocolate, sex, tits and possibly money, preferably by turning them all up to 100%. It’s fascinating statistically. There’s probably a good paper in it.

“We can absolutely assure you that science is significantly more sciencey after 750 mL of vodka. We conduct multiple, repeated studies on this most evenings.”

TIDE GOES OUT, Keeps Going Out, Monday (Oh F-x) — Fox News insists that anchor Bill O’Reilly is actually called that in real life and dismisses all claims otherwise as “an orchestrated campaign by far left advocates.”

Stewart has been under fire in the past week since it came out that he had not, in fact, been present at the assassination of John F. Kennedy and gotten Presidential brains on his suit.

Colbert was also accused of inflating his recollections of the Falklands war as a young correspondent for CBS News and singlehandedly fighting his way past Argentinian forces at gunpoint, armed only with a pen clenched in his teeth, a ready wit and a conservative outlook.

A spokeswoman for Fox News declined to respond to detailed questions about Baron-Cohen’s recollections of personally fighting off hordes of looters in the Los Angeles riots. “Mr Gunston has already addressed the claims leveled against him. Although Mr Carlin did not technically witness bombings in Northern Ireland or murders in El Salvador in person, as such, he was sufficiently there in spirit for our purposes. Fox maintains its staunch support of Mr Kaufman, who is no stranger to calculated attacks on his veracity and trustworthiness.”

Lord Monckton did produce his long-form birth certificate, which clearly says “BILL O’REILLY”, scribbled in pen above the crossed-out words “Forrest Gump”.

THE KITCHEN, After work, Friday (NTN) — In a body blow to the credibility of the scientific process itself, a new Mayo Clinic study suggests that necking gallons of red wine might not be the finest and most defensible thing ever for your health.

Despite the fact that everyone knows — by common sense — that red wine is good for your heart, makes you live longer, contains anti-oxidants, right, and makes you cleverer and your boyfriend sexy, some idiots are claiming that res-res-verra-thing might not be great if you have too much. Whatever probably stupidly inadequate amount “too much” is.

You have to keep in mind, OK, that eighty percent of single medical studies are actually wrong. Eighty percent! And this is obviously one of them.

The researchers analyzed how reserva … resvah … the chemical reacted with “satellite cells” in muscles. Regeneration. They said it was good in small doses, which is obviously right, but bad in large ones, which is just stupidly wrong. I mean, really.

Res-thing is in chocolates, too, which just shows how good it is. I bet they’ll tell us we have to balance red wine versus chocolate or something. Fuckers.

This professor, right, Hans Degens, at Manchester Metropolitan Uni, said that ten micro … molar dose was the good amount. I expect that’s about a bottle. Maybe two. He didn’t mention chocolates, ‘cos he knew what was fucking good for him.

Oh, that fucker. That piece of shit. He brought the chocolate into it. Right. We’re going on a train trip. Bring the empties, we’ll need ’em.

HOT HOT HOT, Cyberspice, Friday (FuzzBleed) — Some timewasting clickbait about the colour of a dress has become an Internet sensation, because not only is it Friday, but the idea of doing work at work fell by the wayside some time yesterday afternoon.

The music industry marketing marketers responsible sought views on Tumblr, Reddit, Twitter and anywhere else they could spam about whether the clickbait was gold and white, black and blue or RED. RED LIKE THE FREELY FLOWING BLOOD OF THE LAST MARKETER, STRUNG FROM A LAMPPOST BY THE GUTS OF THE LAST SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER.

The debate’s hash tag #TheClickbait is the top trending Twitter tag. Infosec Taylor Swift confirmed that the clickbait was in a quantum superposition and that Flash needed updating.

Scientists weighed in with detailed explanations of how human cognitive biases mean the most blatantly inane advertising material imaginable is still more interesting than spreadsheets.

“This was the best day of Twitter yet, which is saying so little I could type it with my forehead,” tweeted Matt Ford, national editor for The Atlantic, who probably had dreams once.

WELL I NEVER, See I Told You, Monday (NTN) — In a SHOCKING new commissioned press release study, a full 79% of British women are disgusting skanks who don’t spend sufficiently on the study sponsor’s marvellous packaged beauty products.

Only 21% of “feeemales” take the time to shower or bath every day, two-thirds don’t remove makeup before bed when they come home smashed after a night out, and far too few spend actual money on the sponsor’s facial cleanse products. “Despite knowing the importance of a suitably elaborate skin care regime!” exclaimed study sponsor Maxine Flint. “We tell them often enough!

“It is so important to clean your face daily and moisturise to slow down the ageing process. Also, you need to pick your genes better.”

British women were unimpressed with the survey. “At least when I collapse unconscious in a skip at 4am, I redo my lippy when I crawl out. Gorra look presennable, innit. Also, vodka works like Febreze. Just need to splash enough on. ’Scuse me.” (vomits)

Meanwhile, here’s a stock image of an apparently-naked woman in the shower, with strategic soap bubbles, and a publicity shot of a skinny Z-list “celebrity” in a bikini under a waterfall, for genuine journalistic purposes.

SPILL IN AISLE 3, Homebase, Long Weekend (NTN) — Dakota Johnson has revealed she took items home from the set of Fifty Shades of Grey – including an ornamental flowerpot and a fifteen-foot length of 2×4.

She also admitted to taking hot hot hot paintbrushes, grouting and that weird triple adapter to piggyback your dishwasher off your washing machine.

The hit documentary, directed by Sam Taylor Johnson, delves into the world of suburban debauchery, with couples going out and openly purchasing do-it-yourself home improvement materials. E. L. James’ erotic handyman how-to was originally written as fan fiction of the famous Haynes manual series.

25-year-old Johnson, who plays obedient household helper Anastasia Steele, said her biggest career sacrifice was that “now the whole world can see me dressed in overalls and cement-stained workboots.” She refused to be involved with fluffy dice, however.

Johnson also confirmed she will star in the second installment of the series, Fifty Shades of Beige.

VEVEY, Suisse, Thursday (NTN) — Nestlé will be removing all artificial flavours and colours, like Red 40, Yellow 5 and Screaming Agony 666, from its chocolate candy products by the end of 2015, replacing them with the delicious tears of malnourished infants.

“Nestlé is the world’s leading nutrition, health and — hold on, is this right? — wellness company, or the first world’s at least,” said Doreen Ida, Nestlé USA Confections & Snacks president.

Consumers have long surveyed as wanting food not to contain artificial colours, flavours, genetic modifications, DNA, microwaves, wifi, chemicals or atoms, apparently preferring to eat alchemical workings using only the four humours.

“We have consulted with Food Babe on a new process, using only pure, wholesome, organic and sustainably-farmed pain and suffering, guaranteed to be from poor people in a country that isn’t yours. We know you are fully willing to make sacrifices to improve your lifestyle, as long as those sacrifices are of other people halfway around the world.”

The nourishing tears of children dying in pain are the vital ingredient in the new process, preferably those gathered from tainted formula induced dysentery. “Obviously too foolish and dissolute to use safe Nestlé privatised water!” All babies are certified to have grown up in an environment with minimal quantities of artificial chemicals, electromagnetic radiation or modern allopathic medicines.

“We never compromise on taste. Maintaining the great taste and appearance consumers expect from the chocolate brands they know and love is our number-one priority. It is technically true that a mountain of suffering goes into every bite, but we’d never let that compete with your convenience. Nestlé: Good Food, Good Life. Yours, Anyway.”

FRONT ROOM OF PARLIAMENT, Southminster, Tuesday (NTN) — David Cameron has made the latest in an increasingly desperate series of pleas, suggesting to Scotland that the United Kingdom become an “open union.”

“We know that Norway has recently caught Scotland’s eye. We can understand that. We like Norway ourselves. What we suggest is a more open union between England and Scotland. Scotland can sign a free-association agreement with Norway, and we won’t mind, not as long as Scotland always comes home to us. We would maybe even be up for a three-party union.”

Scottish National Party leader Alex Salmond sighed. “What England needs to understand is that it’s not just about Norway. Yes, they’ve been impressing us with their social model and sensible investment of North Sea oil money into their future. This is about England.”

Cameron looked pained. “We understand Scotland has had difficulties with England. And we’re sorry. And we can change, we promise.”

Salmond continued sighing: “You’ve said that before, and we’ve believed you. England, we’re just not that into you. It’s over.”

Cameron adjusted his fedora trilby, before replying “I bet Scotland wouldn’t be able to find another country to be in a union with, anyway. Norway is probably only interested in you because it wants to get its hands on the Shetlands, and Iceland is just not ready to commit. Frankly, Scotland should be grateful that we’re interested in maintaining the historic union between our two great nations.” He looked sad. “Besides, which, has Scotland considered what will happen to Gibraltar and the Falklands if it goes?

“Please don’t leave,” he added.

• Guest post by Abigail Brady

OLDUVAI GORGE, Warringah, Monday (NTN) — A new theory suggests that Tony Abbott’s ancestors evolved remarkably punchable facial features, accounting for people’s deep desire to do so today.

The bones most commonly broken in prehistoric Liberal Party punch-ups gained the most strength in early “conservative” evolution. They are also the bones that show most divergence between Liberals and Nationals.

The paper, in the journal Guardian Australia, argues that the reinforcements evolved amid fighting over females and resources, in which communication by kicking each other’s heads drove key policy changes.

Fossil records show that Australopithecus menzieii had strikingly robust facial structures. This was long seen as an adaptation to a tough diet including nuts, seeds and Malcom Turnbull’s balls. But more recent findings suggest that violent intra-party competition was the cause: the “protective buttressing hypothesis”.

Interestingly, the evolutionary descendants of Australopithecus — including more left-leaning humans — have displayed less and less facial buttressing. “Human arms and upper bodies are not nearly as strong as those found in Liberal Party members,” said the author, Prof David Carrier, dusting off his gloves.

Studies from Canberra emergency wards show that faces are particularly vulnerable to violent injuries, many self-inflicted from being banged against desks when Coalition policy proposals reach the news.

“The historical record goes back a short time, but anatomy holds clues as to what selection was important, what behaviours were important; and so it gives us important information about what caveman notion Mr Abbott is going to come out with next.”

JETSON, Bay Area, the future (H Minus) — Scientists, or self-taught philosophers who’ve heard of science anyway, predict a dazzling future for humanity — in which our computer-augmented future selves, in a world of endless plenty, keep being shits to each other.

An advanced computer-managed economy will do all the jobs, building our homes, 3D-printing our iPhones and nano-assembling our food. Wanting for nothing, people will at last be free to assert their essential humanity and complain bitterly about everything.

Genetic engineering will give us new bodies and an indefinite lifespan. Whole-brain emulation will let those who would have died go on as personalities living in computers. In the future, fuckwits will be with you forever.

We will live in fabulously diverse harmony and break the cycle of every new technology first being used to murder each other. This will include those thoroughly deserving of murder, particularly the endless identical instances of irritating hippie emulations blathering about cosmic oneness.

Cryogenically-preserved humans from the twenty-first century will have their frozen brains read by nanobots so their personalities can be run as programs. To avoid future shock, they will be put to work in a computer-simulated office job, and be reset each morning. For comfort and familiarity, each person-emulation will be given a helpful companion program, called “Clippy.”

A benevolent artificial superintelligence will run the world, for the good of all humanity. To maximise utilitarian value across the quantum wave function of the universe, “Roko’s femilisk” will regrettably have to punish emulations of those who complained that they found Tumblr social justice warriors’ intolerance of intolerance “triggering.” Please donate to help achieve this.

Given the opportunity for a world of unlimited creative freedom and enjoyment, we can be certain that humanity will not rest until it has turned this infinitely bountiful paradise into something even pissier than modern-day capitalism.

The Singularity will elevate the human condition to nasty, brutish and long. An emulation of Thomas Hobbes will, however, buy that for a bitcoin.