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Night Crumbs

April 12, 2016 / Posted by: Michael K

Delicate American rose Abigail Ratchford made a video where she subtly drips a milkshake from In-N-Out all over her glistening plastic chichis. Since In-N-Out is a Christian company, they don’t want that jezebel hussy doing sinful things with their products on video, so they demanded that she take it down. I say sinful things, because as far as I know, she didn’t marry that milkshake before letting it drip all over her tits. But seriously, Abigail Ratchford deserves to be thrown in jail for that video. She wastes so many fries and drops of milkshake in it. ARREST HER!  – The Superficial 

Natalie Portman is out and Tessa Thompson is in as Thor’s boo – Lainey Gossip 

You’ll never guess what Jessica Simpson did the other night? She got drunk! Oh, you guessed that. Well, okay then – Drunken Stepfather

Prince Hot Ginge sees THE QUEEN more as his boss than his grandmama. I bet she sees herself as his boss too and makes him kiss her ring, as she should – Celebitchy

Please sashay away, NeNe Leakes – Reality Tea 

Zoe Kravitz’s nipple knob made an appearance in ID magazine – The Nip Slip 

A clip from James Franco’s gay porn murder biopic is out, and it’s the perfect thing to watch if you’re out of Ambien and want to fall asleep – Towleroad

Lea Michele got a tattoo in honor of Cory Monteith – Popsugar

It took me a few seconds to realize that Gigi Hadid is not carrying a guinea pig as an accessory – Popoholic

It also took me a few seconds to realize that the chick on the right isn’t The Curious Case of Ali Lohan – Hollywood Tuna 

Paula Deen has a new clothing line out. I can’t wait to see what she does with white hoods! – Jezebel

No jokes, this Batman v. Superman porn parody looks a zillion times more thrilling and entertaining than the real thing – OMG Blog  

Kristen Dunst and Garrett GimmeHedlund are done being together –  Just Jared

So in other words, Donnie Wahlberg gave Jenny McCarthy a life-like plastic replica of himself – SOW

I guess Jeremy Renner’s publicists had a talk with him – HuffPo

And finally, let’s end these Crumbs with an owl riding a cracked-out toy horse – The Berry  

Tags: Night Crumbs

The CAPTION THIS Contest For April 12th!

April 12, 2016 / Posted by: Michael K

Pic: Reddit

Tags: The CAPTION THIS Contest

Kate Hudson Might Be Getting On This

April 12, 2016 / Posted by: Michael K

Since Kate Hudson is hawking workout clothes and trying to be all sporty and shit, it’s time for all of her to get completely on brand and that includes the tastes of her legendary coochie. So it makes sense that Kate Hudson might be climbing aboard the 6’5″ football playing mountain named J.J. Watt. Kate Hudson’s chocha needs a travel blog NOW, because I really want to see the places it visits.

Kate Hudson may have either finally dropped Nick Jonas as a fuck buddy, or she has temporarily pushed that Jonas peen to the side. Because everyone seems to think 36-year-old Kate may have started dating 27-year-old J.J., who plays for the Houston Texans. Kate and J.J. are the ones who started the dating talk. I guess they wanted everyone to know that they were on a date, because last night, J.J. made an appearance on one of her Snapchat videos during dinner at a restaurant. The video is annoying, but J.J. calls it a “date.”

Major update: He called it a DATE! 😲😲 #jjwatt #jjwattladies

A video posted by JJ WATT Ladies (@jjwatt_ladies) on

UsWeekly says that this morning, Kate put up another Snapchat video where she brought up the date while hanging out with her son Ryder. At one point, Kate said to him, “How does it feel that mommy got to sit next to J.J. Watt at dinner?”

Okay, but who in the hell Snapchats during a date?! If the date is going good, you should be using your hands to give him a handy under the table. If the date is going bad, you should be using your hands to give him a handy under the table (because doing that is better than talking to his boring ass). I am disappointed in Kate! But well, maybe she posted that video, because she wanted to let us, her slut disciples, know that she’s still out there and isn’t tied down to Jonas peen. That makes sense. I should never question the thirsty ways of Kate Hudson!

Pic: Men’s Health

Tags: Kate Hudson, My Hero

Okay, so those of you who called up your baby daddy bookie and put $20 on Shia LaBeouf, Will Arnett, or Nick Miller from New Girl, well – you’re out $20. And until we hear it from Megan, we still don’t know for sure who the daddy is. All I know for sure is that it’s a good thing Megan got knocked up before she turned 30, otherwise she’d have to go back to Bible times and get her old lady pregnancy tips from Abraham’s wife Sarah.


Tags: BABIES!!!, Brian Austin Green, Megan Fox

Lindsay Lohan May Become Somebody’s Wife

April 12, 2016 / Posted by: Michael K

Sad news for millionaire Arab sheiks who were hoping that Lindsay Lohan would hop on their 250 footer during yacht season in Cannes, she may have temporarily retired from the game to marry her Russian sugar sonny.

TMZ, UsWeekly and Gossip Cop all say that 22-year-old Russian trust fund kid Egor Tarabasov proposed to 29-year-old Lindsay Lohan after 5 months of bumping his Russian peen against her freckled crotch carniceria. Since LiLo has to get busy if she wants to beat her idol Elizabeth Taylor’s 7-husband-record, she said YES! TMZ’s source (aka Michael Lohan calling from a pre-paid cell phone while waiting for their payment to him to go through at a Western Union) said that LiLo and her Russian sugar sonny got engaged over the weekend. LiLo’s man has been described as the son of a Russian billionaire business mogul, but Page Six said a while ago that his dad owns a few Home Depot-like stores in Moscow and is a millionaire, but isn’t exactly butt burping up diamond-encrusted gold bars.

Lindsay Lohan’s rep (yes, she still has one of those) denied the rumor that she’s engaged to Egor (who is giving me second-tier James Franco impersonator meets Poncho from CHiPs). But I’m guessing that LiLo’s rep spit out a denial, because she’s trying to sell her engagement announcement and pictures of the ring to the highest bidder. I’m also going to guess that a Russian tabloid will be the highest bidder and they’ll pay for that shit with a half-pack of Reds and an almost-empty 8-ball.

White Oprah would celebrate this happy news by using her future son-in-law’s credit card (“So dat’s vere it vent!” – Egor) to buy everyone a round of shots at a T.G.I. Friday’s on Long Island, but she’s got work to do. White Oprah’s gotta troll the baby black market for a freckled newborn that LiLo can pretend to give birth to, because you gotta get that child support money on lock right away. While White Oprah does that, Egor’s family should look into having him institutionalized, because anybody who wants to be a member of the Lohan family must be certifiable.


Tags: #getmoneybitch, Engagements, Lindsay Lohan

Charlize Theron Worked Some Elegant Exterminator Couture At The Premiere Of “The Hunstman: Winter’s War”

April 12, 2016 / Posted by: Allison

The Los Angeles premiere of The Hunstman: Two Angry Queens (or Winter’s War, whatever) happened at Westwood Village Theatre last night, and Charlize Theron decided to remind everyone that she used to get nothing but trash roles by strutting onto the red carpet covered in bugs. Obviously that’s a reach; I doubt that’s the reason why Charlize is covered in bugs. In all seriousness, it’s probably because it takes a year’s worth of hot showers to fully remove Sean Penn’s dirty wiener stink from your body.

Red carpets are usually a boring mess, so I appreciate that Charlize wore a dress with a bunch of sequined insects crawling around on a piece of cheap nude illusion fabric. There’s no rhyme or reason to those bugs either; it looks like they’re all searching for the exit. Those bugs don’t want to be at the premiere of The Huntsman 2, they want to be at the In-N-Out behind the Westwood, making bug babies on an uneaten pile of double-doubles in the dumpster.

At the very least, they don’t want to accidentally run into the crazy marker-huffing hillbilly chiggers that may have hitched a ride on Miley Cyrus. Miley was apparently there with her two-time-fiance Liam Hemsworth, but they decided to keep a low profile and skipped out before the lights came on.

Here’s more of Charlize at The Hunstman: Winter’s War last night, as well as everyone else who was there. Like Jessica Chastain, who is wearing a dress that looks heavier than the shit they put you in at the dentist to make sure the X-rays don’t liquefy your insides. And Emily Blunt, who is still very pregnant. Also included, Chris Hemsworth, whose rock-hard Thor thighs are 0.3 seconds from busting the side-seams of his pants (I don’t mind). Also, for some reason, Faye Dunaway was there? Although she doesn’t really need a reason, since Faye Dunaway is a legend and can walk any red carpet she damn well pleases.

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