FADE IN:

INT. SPRINGWOOD DINER

KELLAN LUTZ is asleep at his TABLE. Waitress ROONEY MARA wakes him up.

ROONEY MARA

Kellan! Your fan base isn’t watching this; so either die providing no emotional strain on the audience or get out.

KELLAN LUTZ

Have you seen my IMDB page? I need this. Besides, I’m not even shirtless yet!

KELLAN LUTZ falls asleep. JACKIE EARLE HALEY appears and they begin to FIGHT.

KELLAN LUTZ

Hey what are you doing playing this tired icon of horror?

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

Damn, you can tell it’s me under this burned bubblegum face? If only Rorschach could get a franchise.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY has KELLAN LUTZ cut his own THROAT. This will later be known as the best kill of the movie.

EXT. CEMETARY – KELLAN LUTZ’S FUNERAL

ROONEY MARA, KATIE CASSIDY, THOMAS DEKKER and KYLE GALLNER stand around.

KATIE CASSIDY

So instead of bringing something new and interesting to this series, director Samuel Bayer has decided to go with a paint by numbers remake?

KYLE GALLNER

Well it’s more mature; I mean we’re all clearly in our mid-twenties playing high school students.

THOMAS DEKKER

When Gus Van Sant remade Psycho, he realized the groundbreaking Hitchcock classic could not be improved on so he went with a shot for shot remake. Meanwhile Samuel Bayer had the same inspired feeling about…fucking Wes Craven’s cheesy slasher flick?

ROONEY MARA

How many leads does this movie have? None of us are more than nominally written and I’m too much of a weirdo Goth artist to be seen here, I’m going to my room to listen to music you’ve probably never heard.

INT. ROONEY MARA’S BEDROOM

ROONEY MARA lies in BED and falls asleep.

DIRECTOR SAMUEL BAYER

Alright this is great, the reboot is underway; it’s fresh while maintaining the integrity of the original movie. I should throw a scene in every so often to remind people of that fact.

CGI JACKIE EARLE HALEY comes through the wall over ROONEY MARA’S BED.

ROONEY MARA

You realize this is just laughable right? You couldn’t just go for a rubber wall like Wes; you had to spring for that lame special effect?

DIRECTOR SAMUEL BAYER

Give me a break it’s my first movie. At least I’m not putting ridiculous marionette arms on him.

DIRECTOR WES CRAVEN

Is it too late to apologize for that?

INT. KATIE CASSIDY’S BEDROOM

KATIE CASSIDY

So we should probably continue to waste one-third of the movie setting up a premise that could’ve been explained in minutes.

THOMAS DEKKER

Are you sure? Most horror movies these days have too much exposition, and I think we already pissed off a lot of people by not making Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash.

KATIE CASSIDY

Trust me I know what I’m doing; I’m going to be the main character in this movie.

THOMAS DEKKER

(giggling)

Go on.

KATIE CASSIDY

Jackie Earle Haley has been in all of our dreams with those creepy little girls singing about him and I want to know why.

THOMAS DEKKER

Well we could just watch “Freddy’s Dead” for a pretty good origin story.

KATIE CASSIDY

Watch another one of these? That sounds like a real nightmare.

(pause)

Wait, am I dreaming now?

JACKIE EARLE HALEY appears beside her.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

That’s right! It’s another fantasy-dream switcheroo; I bet no one saw that coming.

KATIE CASSIDY

The obnoxiously loud sound burst kind of gave it away, are you going to do that the whole movie? If you are, I want no part of it.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY kills KATIE CASSIDY by violently tossing her around the ROOM as if she was AMANDA WYSS.

THOMAS DEKKER

Damn, if only I had just pulled out my cell phone; that would have easily got a million hits on YouTube.

INT. JAIL CELL

THOMAS DEKKER

Who knew running away from a crime scene covered in blood could get me in trouble? OK, so just to remind ourselves:

(actual line)

If you die in your dreams, you die for real.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

Psych! Another false alarm. I’m here to kill you in your sleep while ironically waking up the audience.

THOMAS DEKKER

You son of a bitch!

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

One-hundred maniacs actually, but hey who’s counting amirite?

JACKIE EARLE HALEY STABS THOMAS DEKKER through his CHEST killing him.

INT. ROONEY MARA’S HOUSE

ROONEY MARA

My mom Connie Britton is acting strange, I know she’s hiding something from me; I’m going to search endlessly until…no wait, found it.

We zoom into a PICTURE to see that JACKIE EARLE HALEY was a GARDNER working at their PRESCHOOL.

ROONEY MARA

She told me that we didn’t know each other as little kids. So I guess I’m supposed to pretend this is surprising even though we all still live in this town and go to school together now. Oh but wait, we all have the same memory loss. Good save.

KYLE GALLNER

She kept the class photo of us instead of destroying it. She’s definitely keeping up with the rest of the unanswered logic in this movie that’s for sure.

CONNIE BRITTON

Hey! Stop looking at that picture and gather round to hear the side of the cynical parent. These are just bad memories you’re having. Yes Jackie Earle Haley did awful things to you kids and we tried to cover up that you all were ever friends, we figured it was for the best to just bury our heads in the sand and hope for the best.

KYLE GALLNER

Kind of like what the studio did with this movie. Hey-oooo!

ROONEY MARA

But memories don’t kill you…

CONNIE BRITTON

Really? Try remembering what Michael Bay did to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday the 13th, Amityville Horror, and The Hitcher.

ROONEY MARA

(shudders)

So basically Groundskeeper Willie here was a Gardner who wasn’t so much a child killer as he was a pedo-

DIRECTOR SAMUEL BAYER

Whoa now, let’s not get too graphic. We will just tip toe around that idea, it’s a very disturbing subject, and we’re clearly not truly prepared to deal with it.

ROONEY MARA

So just to be clear; running a steak knife across someone’s neck and mutilating a dog: a-okay. Acknowledging pedophilia exists: too taboo for our Christian ears? Got it.

INT. SCHOOL

ROONEY MARA is using a HOLLYWOOD STYLE SEARCH ENGINE to find former classmates; she finds AARON YOO’s VIDEO BLOG.

AARON YOO

Help me! I keep getting killed off in these remakes.

AARON YOO’S face crashes into the SCREEN, he’s dead.

ROONEY MARA

Lucky; I have to wait until the success of “The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo” to get out of this franchise.

KYLE GALLNER is at SWIM PRACTICE and falls asleep under WATER and begins dreaming. As you do.

KYLE GALLNER

Hey it’s Jackie Earle Haley from “Little Children” running away from a mob of angry parents; I wonder what he could have done.

ANGRY PARENT #1

Couldn’t we just call the cops?

ANGRY PARENT #2

And waste this cool scene people saw in the trailer? They assumed the movie was going to show a stylish beginning to Jackie Earle Haley’s transformation. We can’t do a crazy thing like call the cops.

The ANGRY PARENTS burn JACKIE EARLE HALEY alive.

KYLE GALLNER

Great, this will explain how you ended up with these dream powers, why you waited so long to reappear, and what exactly Elm Street has to do with any of this.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

You would think so. While I’m burning here I’m just going to reveal I’m wearing the same classic striped sweater, this will warm people’s hearts with a nice touch of nostalgia. Remember!

KYLE GALLNER wakes up and with ROONEY MARA begin driving to find their old PRESCHOOL.

EXT. ROAD

ROONEY MARA

This insufferable journey is making me fall asleep, talk to me so I stay awake.

KYLE GALLNER

I offered you some pills before and you refused; maybe you have that D.A.R.E. t-shirt on a little too tight.

Just then JACKIE EARLE HALEY appears in front of the car. KYLE GALLNER swerves out the way.

ROONEY MARA

Did you just avoid hitting Jackie Earle Haley?

KYLE GALLNER

I’m telling you this movie is breaking down barriers for horror movies. There doesn’t even have to be deaths on screen for people to be scared, just lazy storytelling will do the trick.

KYLE GALLNER and ROONEY MARA have found their old PRESCHOOL.

INT. SCHOOL – NOT SO SECRET ROOM

ROONEY MARA

I’m going to fall asleep and kill Jackie Earle Haley, thus avoiding seven sequels, a failed TV show, and a shitty video game.

KYLE GALLNER

Good idea. The message of female empowerment so far has been a wash out; we better shove it in the audience’s face just before we get to the credits.

ROONEY MARA falls asleep and dreams that she’s in her HOUSE.

INT. ROONEY MARA’S HOUSE

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

One, two… here’s some shitty CGI for you.

ROONEY MARA

That’s all you got, a random pop out? Where are the funny one-liners? Where’s the phone tongue?

She sinks into the HALLWAY as it turns to BLOOD.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

How’s that for a wet dream?

ROONEY MARA

OK, that was funny, but in the 80′s you would have said something like: “Oh is it that time of the month?”

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

Damn you’re right. I used to have a shtick; mind you it was farcical and off putting for a horror film, but fanboys seemed to take to it.

ROONEY MARA

Look, you are probably going to be a very successful killing person. But you’re going to go through life thinking that people don’t like you because you’re scary. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re not anymore.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

It’s not my fault, they tried to please old and new fans alike and ended up with this watered down version of something that is neither scary or fun.

ROONEY MARA

OK fair enough, but here we are dreaming and you have me in a little girls dress, this still feels like a long after school special and I’ve just about had it.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

You really think your boyfriend can wake you up? Not even Chris Hansen can save you now!

She grabs JACKIE EARLE HALEY and WAKES UP with him.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

Fuck. I probably should have just killed you back in dreamland when I had multiple chances and various powers.

ROONEY MARA

Look how far we’ve come, now isn’t the time for competence. If anything now is the time to rush an ending only to have better alternate versions on the DVD.

KYLE GALLNER

Are you even awake? Test your totem!

ROONEY MARA

Better idea.

(cuts off Jackie’s hand)

Now let’s set fire to this place hiding all the evidence from adults and the police.

KYLE GALLNER

Sounds about right.

INT. ROONEY MARA’S HOUSE

ROONEY MARA is home from the HOSPITAL with her mother CONNIE BRITTON.

ROONEY MARA

Thanks Connie Britton for lying to me all those years instead of just moving us away from this place. It was no trouble at all, except now I have to make all new friends.

CONNIE BRITTON

Well it’s the role of the adults to lead you kid’s to the right answers, even if it means people die in the process. Now let me just stand here as the audience happily stays put for the one final shock everyone knows is coming regardless of whether it makes sense.

JACKIE EARLE HALEY appears in the MIRROR, stabs CONNIE BRITTON through the back of the head, and pulls her back through the GLASS.

ROONEY MARA

There is no way this is going to help further the genre; just resting on the laurels of past work just to cash in on its good name and legacy.

WES CRAVEN

(writing Scream 5)

Sorry did you say something?

END