The Last 7 Jokes-A-Day Sent By E-mail

Category: Cannibal Jokes

A cannibal son and his father are out looking for food. They are watching people walk down the street. The son suggested a particularly plump woman and the father rejected saying that she's too fatty. Later on the son asked about a very skinny woman. Again the father refused saying that shes to skinny. After a while the son pointed out a very attractive woman. sure son" the father replied, drooling. Well take her home and eat you mother!"

#5350    

Thanks to: matthew l. - lubbock - tx. - USA.
rec.:Jul/15/2002    pub.:Oct/29/2002    sent:Feb/6/2012

Category: Doctors Jokes

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?
A box of Tampax, he replied without hesitation.
Tampax? said the doctor. What would you do with that?
Well, said Johnny, I do not know exactly, but its sure worth two dollars.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.

#3992    

Thanks to: Anonymous - USA.
rec.:Apr/7/2002    pub.:Apr/7/2002    sent:Feb/5/2012

Category: Work Jokes

A suggestion from a Human Resources Manager:

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . .

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

#17793    

Thanks to: Erin Hogan - Vinton - Virginia - USA.
rec.:Mar/14/2007    pub.:Apr/5/2007    sent:Feb/4/2012

Category: Elderly Jokes

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

#2690    

Thanks to: Anonymous - USA.
rec.:Jan/3/2002    pub.:Jan/3/2002    sent:Feb/3/2012

Category: Business Jokes

The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."

#1094    

Thanks to: Scott - Greenville - OH - USA.
rec.:Jul/21/2001    pub.:Jul/21/2001    sent:Feb/2/2012

Category: Sport Jokes

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

#112    

Thanks to: Anonymous
rec.:Aug/4/1998    pub.:Aug/4/1998    sent:Feb/1/2012

Category: Lawyer Jokes

An attorney, anxious to impress the judge with the detail, asked the following line of questions of a doctor who had recently performed an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

#9210    

Thanks to: Reg Hardman - Brisbane - Australia
rec.:Apr/24/2003    pub.:May/27/2003    sent:Jan/31/2012