Amy's Blam

Pinterest may make me a drunk. A drunk with fresh breath but a drunk nonetheless…

Hi, my name is Amy and I’m-oh the shame-I’m a Pinterest-holic.

I’m so addicted. It’s really ridiculous. All I need is pajama jeans or my Forever Lazy in constant rotation and a mini-fridge of water and Diet Coke in my closet room and I’d never have to leave.

Anyways…I get so sucked into Pinterest. It’s like the best window shopping ever-without having to bathe, get dressed or leave your house. All of these are wins in my book.

But, of course, there are annoyances. My first is people that can’t categorize. If I click Everything DIY and Crafts I don’t want to see recipes or a lamp you like. If you pulled it from a website and it’s a fancy ass chandelier-it is NOT DIY and Crafts. Neither is Mother Teresa.

Also wtf people that make their own glue and modge podge? WHY? You can buy that shit. It’s not super expensive and you don’t have to spend days melting soap or whatever.

For the love of waffles, pin at least one thing. Otherwise Pinterest keeps yelling at me to follow you. I get it. You’re all hyped up to be on Pinterest and are happy dancing across the internets to find people to follow. Take a breath. Put down the Diet Coke and pin something. Please. Otherwise Pinterest yells at me and confuses me and toys with my emotions. It’s too much pressure.

Repinning is super fun and easy. BUT-I beg of you-please fix what the pin says. Unless you truly want to share with the world “Bobbie Sue wore these underpants out and I made her buy these” perhaps you should change it to “I love these underthings from Victoria’s Secret.” Particularly when you don’t know anyone named Bobbie Sue. I love it when my mom repins stuff that says “OOOOOHHHHHH, I’m going to make this for my boyfriend.” She doesn’t have a boyfriend. So think before you repin. Nothing to say? Just put an asterisk.

Ahhh Pinterest…I can cross stitch and glitter stuff and am pretty crafty all without being able to use power tools. I can also kind of sing-which has nothing to do with Pinterest but, you know, since we’re sharing and all. But Pinterest makes me want to do ALL the things. Like what is needle felting? That shit looks hard. But it’s oh so cute!

It seems like many of the crafts I am drawn to involve corks, beer bottle caps or empty Altoid tins. I have to drink significantly more to make ALL the things I want to make so Pinterest, essentially, is going to turn me into an alcoholic. Luckily, as I mentioned, many crafts involve Altoid tins so I may be drunk and have smeared lipstick but at least, for the love of God, I will have fresh breath. (I did find you can buy empty Altoid tins but they cost almost as much as tins that HAVE Altoids. And since I will be covering up beer breath, champagne smells and wine odors I think I will need the mints.)

Bratchild and I went to Michaels today AND yesterday to fully  take advantage of all our coupons and I accidentally yelled at a blind lady. I didn’t realize she was blind-I thought she was just like 99% of the people that shop at Michaels and didn’t care that her cart was all crooked and blocking everyone from getting by. I glared at her and cleared my throat for a super long time before I said. “Hey lady-think you can stop blocking the aisle? You’re not the only person here.” (Her friend ran over to tell me she was blind. I thought she just enjoyed dark sunglasses.)

So we left without getting my soldering iron-which bratchild wouldn’t let me buy anyways. I need to make an unsupervised trip to the store to get one. Other than that, I’m doing my shopping online at Alpha Stamps. They have amazing things and online shopping greatly reduces the chance that I will be horrid to a random person.

What are you crafting?

I went to Yankeeland and all I got was some stupid rocks

Yesterday I took a break from stuff and went exploring with bratchild. I was in search of the mythical HomeGoods-a rare and highly hyped destination. We have Marshalls and TJ Maxx and, don’t get me wrong, they are fantastic but since my main love affair is with the random home crap you have to have but never knew existed-I was all about exploring a HomeGoods-like a Spaniard discovering the new world, I was off to find my city of gold.

And? I bought rocks. Some other things too. But yes, rocks. There were plenty of things I wanted but I didn’t have a way to get them home. Using Mitt Romney as inspiration, I suppose I could have strapped a chair to the top of the car but I didn’t want that to come back and bite me in the ass should I run for office one day. And, it is a pretty big ass chair:

I'm a writer...I like stuff with words and letters.

 And I found the aforementioned rocks.  I like to do crafty things and needed rocks for some terrariums I am working on PLUS they had lightweight faux rocks covered in moss which now means I don’t have to cover real rocks in moss. I’m pretty excited about it.

Most of all? I can’t WAIT for J to be loading up the trunk and to innocently lift the rock bag and say, “what on earth do you have in here-rocks?” Mainly so I can say, “exactly” and collapse in giggles.

One thing I noticed while we were driving around neighborhoods and shopping centers was the large amount of random women hanging out on the street. I was telling J that I didn’t know they had such a problem with prostitutes up here but at least they were dressed sensibly.

Me: I just can’t believe how many hookers were standing around everywhere I went but they were all bundled up and dressed for the cold weather so that’s good.
J: What do you mean hookers were everywhere?
Me: We’d see them all over, just standing on the side of the road-I guess it’s not true they just work corners.
J: And you were around shopping centers and neighborhoods?
Me: Yes, I guess high traffic areas are good for business.
J: (laughing uncontrollably) Those aren’t hookers, they were waiting for buses.

And that’s how unfamiliar with public transportation I am. I couldn’t grasp that people would be waiting for buses and assumed they were all hookers. Wearing scarves and coats in the middle of the day.  Since my town doesn’t really have buses, prostitution seemed the next likely step.

One day I will remember to share my story about a previous trip to Baltimore where I had a conversation about shoes with a working girl, a man with his face wrapped in Saran Wrap wanted to box me for money, a nation of Islam man tried to give me pies and a newspaper and I stumbled onto a protest by militant Hari Krishnas…