Pregnancy articles

• Pregnancy Quizzes
  • Quiz: What Kind of Parent Will Your Partner Be?
  • Quiz: What Are They Thinking?
• First Trimester
  • Are You Sure You’re Pregnant?
  • First Month: It’s a Baby, What You Got in There!
  • First Month: Helpful Tips
  • 10 Important Questions to Ask Your Prospective OB-GYN or Midwife
  • Second Month: GLOOOOORGH
  • Second Month Tips: Cats and Why You Should Run From Them
  • Third Month: You Shouldn’t Be In Maternity Pants JUST YET
  • Third Month Tips: Don’t Get Fat!
• Second Trimester
  • Fourth Month: Now Everyone Knows You Did It
  • Fifth Month: You’re Adorable! It Won’t Last
  • Sixth Month: You Think You Can’t Possibly Get Any Bigger. Hilarious!
  • Non-Pregnancy-Related Trivia You Can Discuss with Your Non-Pregnant Friends!
• It Really Happened
  • It Really Happened: Delilah’s Discovery
  • Nine Months in Captivity: A Fetal Memoir
• Q&A
  • Ask Dr. Bradley and Dr. Kennedy: on Unwanted Advice, Vengeful Girl Babies, and the Unfortunate Necessity of Doing It
  • Ask Drs. Bradley and Kennedy: on Groping Hands, Strange Urges, and Wandering Organs
  • Q & A: Hair, Homicide, and Homunculi!
• More Essential Advice and Fascinating Trivia
  • Google Searches We Cannot Recommend
  • why, Why, WHY?
  • Weird Old Wives’ Tales: True or False?
  • Pregnancy Through the Ages
  • What Pregnant Women Definitely Shouldn’t Consume
  • Should you panic about H1N1?
  • Pregnancy in Other Countries
  • More Things Pregnant Women Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Do
  • Regarding Advanced Maternal Age
• Third Trimester
  • Seventh Month: Are we done yet? Not even close!
  • Eighth Month: This Pregnancy Shit Is Getting Old
  • Ninth Month: There’s No Turning Back Now!
• You and Your Stupid Partner
  • Your Partner Wants to Be More Involved in Your Pregnancy!
  • Ways your partner might try to get closer to you, and how to thwart him
  • It’s not too late! How to make your baby less like its father

Welcome to the “pregnancy” portion of LET’S PANIC ABOUT BABIES! You are not allowed to go any further into this web site unless you can prove for a fact that you’re pregnant. Do you look as happy and well adjusted as that woman in the photo? Well, do you?

We thought so. GET OUT.

Okay, the rest of you can stay, but only if you took our test to find out if you’re lying about being pregnant.

Once you’ve justified your status as a pregnant person or a pregnant person’s spouse/partner/hook-up/lawyer, feel free to browse through our pregnancy articles using the table of contents in the left column.

We also expect you to thoroughly familiarize yourself with the following:

Impolite Euphemisms for Pregnancy

• Knocked up
• In trouble
• Waiting for the stork (for great-grandmothers only)
• In a delicate condition (characters in 19th-century novels only)
• The rabbit died (used by doctors who smoke Pall Malls)
• Human affordable housing
• Drinking for two
• Bun in the oven (or “Bundt” if it’s a girl)
• Human turducken (if the fetus has a parasitic twin)