6 Stone Jars

Have you ever given or received the silent treatment? Chances are good that most of you have.

I think this AT & T commercial about the silent treatment is very clever, and will give you a good laugh. Like most jokes, there is an element of truth to it. In particular, the angst that accompanies the silent treatment, as portrayed by the girl in this commercial.

It’s not the silence that is the problem. It’s the intent behind it. There’s nothing wrong with silence. But when you purposely ignore a person whom you love or are developing a relationship with, that’s not good. Obviously, there is hurt involved, which turns to anger, which compels the retaliation to hurt back, known as the silent treatment.

Why does anyone find it helpful to hurt someone back who has hurt you? Yet, we do just that. It’s like it’s second nature. You get hurt in some way. Then you’re angry and desire to cause pain to the person who hurt you.

But why the silent treatment? What is accomplished in purposeful silence toward the person you are with that is better than yelling at them or talking angrily to them about why you are mad?

There are two key things here: 1) the absence of talking and 2) the distorted presence of silence.

To not talk to someone you normally talk to stops significant communication. You are no longer sharing information, and thus no longer sharing yourself. Not speaking to a person stops the presses on the relationship in a significant way.

Silence is important to every individual’s life, and also important to growing in love with another. There is the silence we should seek out daily which allows us to connect with God through prayer. To avoid finding quiet time to be with God or just to be alone with your own thoughts is to condemn yourself to the need for audible distractions.

Perhaps you always have the TV on, even when you don’t really watch it, or have the iPod piping music into your ears in between work and home because the alternative silence is too unbearable. We connect with ourselves and with God via silence. We refresh our spirit and keep focused on what is important as we continue daily life in this world.

There is the silence that naturally happens in a positive way in any relationship that is deepening. As love grows, the need for words lessens. Therefore silence is that wonderful companion to two lovers who no longer feel the pressure of filling dead air with the sound of words spoken. They delight in simply being in each other’s presence. That experience in is a symbol and imitation of the love we should experience with God.

Because of our love for silence, we are not so addicted to noise, thus sparing the person we are dating the need to hear ourselves talk, and developing the habit of being a good listener.

So silence is a friend, indeed. But only when it is natural.

It is completely unnatural, and harmful, to impose silence in a relationship at times when it is not called for. When you create a prolonged silence your intention is not only to extinguish verbal communication, but also to ignore the person.

Why is this so harmful? Probably most people who inflict the silent treatment on another do not think of it this way, but it is no less true: when you purposely ignore someone, you are indicating that you wish they did not exist.

I will say that again. When you purposely ignore another fellow human being, created in the image and likeness of God, who shares the same requirement for human dignity that you do, you are indicating outwardly and publicly that you wish that person did not exist.

No matter what anyone has done to us, no one deserves this kind of treatment. The silent treatment should be renamed the “Wish You Didn’t Exist” treatment. Perhaps then we might rethink choosing to do it to someone.

You might think I am making too big of a deal of something that is basically just a normal, every day type of spat couples who are fighting go through. Perhaps you are right. But I think we let ourselves get away with too much cruel behavior with fellow human beings, particularly those whom we are building or have deep relationships with, and then excuse it as being “normal” and part of the territory.

That is not the standard Christians should hold themselves to. I don’t think is fine for any decent human being, but certainly not for Christians. We have been given a high standard of love that starts with the dignity of all human beings to be respected by each other.

There’s no place for the silent treatment among mature adults. If you have a problem with someone, you need to find your own dignity. Maturely present your problem to the person you have the problem with in an appropriate manner. If your anger gets the better of you, then fine. But be quick to apologize and make things right, and have a firm purpose to not behave like that again.

How should one best handle the silent treatment? First of all, do not accept it by letting the person get away with it via leaving them alone or avoiding them while they are in this mode. Don’t return silence with silence. You risk making things worse and getting yourself caught up in the silent treatment by your own resentment.

Best to be yourself. Be normal. Talk to the person as you normally would. If they do not answer you or keep ignoring you, let it go. Be honey, not vinegar. Don’t address the treatment directly by asking when they are going to talk to you again. Be sweet and inviting, without being insistent that it stop.

Your hope is that you will defuse the situation and make it more inviting for that person to come out of the silent treatment cage they entered voluntarily. Remember, this person put themselves in hell. You must be heaven to them, and as inviting as possible.

As you go through the dating process and seek to fall in love, get married, and have a family, live the common sense words of Our Lord when he said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

→ Leave a comment

Posted in Dating

Anyone who is not yet married give a little cringe when hearing the words of St. Paul in the second reading of the Mass this past Sunday, taken from 1 Corinthians, Chapter 7:32-35.

Basically, the advice of St. Paul is to remain unmarried because to marry is a distraction to focusing on the things of the Lord. He is quick to say that this is just his opinion, and said not to put restraint on you, but rather it’s for your own benefit.

Of course, anything that distracts us away from God is certainly not to our benefit. But to get married, in and of itself, is not a bad decision nor a distraction from God. In fact, for those who enter into it with the right intent, marriage is a vocation and will lead us closer to God in proportion to the gift we make of ourselves to the other.

However, you cannot deny St. Paul’s point that a person who is married is divided, because they are anxious about the things of their spouse. By the very nature of marriage, you must tend to the things of your spouse. You can’t tend only to the things of God while neglecting your duties as a spouse.

St. Paul wants people to grow closer to God. Perhaps St. Paul was surrounded by married people who did not have time for the kind of missionary service that he was doing and loved so much. Perhaps he just wanted single people to realize that it is so much more enjoyable and fulfilling to serve God full-time, rather than voluntarily distract yourself from God by marrying.

The main point is that St. Paul wants single people to be free of earthly anxieties. It is worth considering “anxieties” in the sense of occupying the mind with thoughts about getting married one day.

People who want to be married one day and are unhappy that they are still single spend time dwelling on this fact. Some spend quite a bit of time on it. They build up a tremendous anxiety about when it will happen and who it will be with and how it will come about. This anxiety is negative and works against the person.

Single people sometimes make themselves crazy! They are their own worst enemy by over-thinking about getting married and why it has not happened, and even question God. They want marriage so badly, they miss the opportunities they have in the now.

Jesus is very clear about living in the now, and leaving the future to itself. He is also clear about taking advantage of your opportunities. Jesus told Martha that she was anxious about many things and that Mary chose the better option; namely to visit with the Lord while He was in their midst and not lose the opportunity by busying yourself with other normal matters that you can do anytime when the Lord is not visiting.

An unmarried person has an opportunity. It is the opportunity to do things you cannot do or don’t get to do as often when you are married and have children. But it’s also an opportunity to praise God and show Him you believe you are right where you need to be, and that He is right there with you.

Some people with anxiety about getting married take that negative anxiousness and try to kill off as much time possible with useless, counter-productive things to distract them from thinking about being single.

It’s very challenging to be alone with yourself when you are going through negative anxiety. It is a demon we allow to possess us when we are not diligent about combating it properly. It’s interesting that the Gospel reading of this same Sunday with the reading of St. Paul about the unmarried has the scene of Jesus encountering the unclean spirit in the synagogue. It is a demon! Demons are real, and they present themselves in all kinds of ways, including negative anxiety.

It’s understandable to not want to be alone sometimes and need to busy yourself with things to distract yourself from a perhaps unbearable time of dealing with being unmarried. But we must not allow this natural disturbance to take hold and turn into to something worse.

To be single is not a terrible thing. To be single when you really want to be married is not a terrible thing either. I feel for those who really want to get married but have not been able to yet, and perhaps never will. But regardless of why you are unmarried, the fact is you are. Now what will you do with that today? You cannot do anything about the past, and you cannot predict tomorrow. Today is what you have to work with.

I think every person who wants to be married should feel wonderful about that desire. It is a noble desire and we pray that God blesses you with a suitable partner to marry. Keep that desire kindled, because it is from God.

But you must also keep that desire positive, while tending to the things of the Lord this day. He wants to do great things for you and with you today. He is visiting you today as He did in the town of Bethany when Mary chose to be with him. There is much you can do today as an unmarried person for others, for yourself, and in all things for God.

What are your demons related to being unmarried? Anger? Bitterness? Resentment? Jealousy of married friends? Anxiousness? Depression about why you are not married by now? Find out what demons you have with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and by His grace, get rid of them. They are actually working against you being attractive to a potential spouse, who probably cannot notice your beauty because you outwardly display negativity.

Be free! So you are unmarried. It could be worse. You could be married in the way St. Paul describes a few verses before the portion of 1 Corinthians selected in Sunday’s reading; namely, that if you marry, “such people will experience affliction in their earthly life, and I would like to spare you that.” So maybe God is sparing you the affliction that comes with being unhappily married.

Keep doing what you can to change your unmarried status to married. But don’t be obsessed about it via anxiety. You want a person who will not be a distraction away from God, but will lead you to Him. That person is worth waiting for. And if that person never comes, you will have lived each day in the now, tending to the things of the Lord, and you will be happy.

→ 6 Comments

Posted in Single Life

So just how selfish of a person are you? Answer: Very. Don’t worry, it’s not just you. We all are.

Without a realization and admission of selfishness in your life, you lack the true charity required to successfully live out marital love. Therefore, your dating efforts are extremely risky.

I say “true charity” because there is an excessive, and an all too often undetected, amount of false charity. Many believe this is a well developed virtue of charity, when it is actually selfishness. This false sense of charity is the cause of many breakups of couples who are otherwise perfectly fine together.

Most love in dating and courtship starts with the feelings of love. We are happy to do things that benefit you or make you feel loved, as long as I am happy to do it and get something in return.

Charity is necessary for authentic love to be lived out. Love is sacrificial, stemming from will, and requiring actions purely for the benefit of another. But it is also stems from feelings and emotions that assist the will to be more readily willing to give to the other, while at the same time gaining benefit for the self.

A sacrifice, by definition, cannot include a personal benefit to self. It is a pure action toward the benefit of another, with nothing in it for yourself, and typically accompanying some kind of suffering (which, by definition, is a negative thing).

Charity is sacrifice. Voluntary sacrifice, to be exact. True charity is selfless, therefore, often painful or difficult, but it is also a deliberate decision. You have a choice, and the recipient of the charity is not entitled to your charitable act.

Charity is not a man holding the door open for a woman. That’s just courtesy and gentlemanly behavior, which fosters development of charity. Charity is not taking your sick child to the emergency room at 3:00am. That is sacrificial and does not feel good, for sure, and does come close to charity, but duty requires you to act in this situation. To do it is expected, and to not act is a sin, as well as harmful to the sick child.

Giving a drunk friend the only cash you have to get home for his cab fare to get safely home is charity. Tolerating an irritable boyfriend or girlfriend while on a date without letting it annoy you because of the time you set aside for it and the money you are spending, but rather being sincerely patient and accepting is charity. Giving up your night out with friends, which you were looking forward to, in order to stay home with your spouse who had a bad day and needs comforting, is charity.

Charity does not have to be on a “save the world” scale, as you can see by these examples. In fact, charity is most often in the little things. They are the every day opportunities presented to us by God through the people in our lives. These little acts of charity, done without resentment, develop the habit of sacrificial love which preps the person for larger acts of charity. The action was not required, but knowing it benefits another, you decide to do it. Voluntarily. Without any benefit to yourself.

The misconception about charity, especially for people claiming pious religious practice, is that we must be feel happy about the act of charity and display that outwardly. No! To have charity does not require it is accompanied by feelings of delight and enthusiasm, with all smiles and gladness. Charity is sacrifice. It accomplishes the goal of the selfless act intended, despite any feeling about it.

But charity done with joy gives the act more power, specifically to convert another. People are affected by witnessing someone doing charitable acts with joy. Because joy in sacrifice goes against nature. This is where love is not enough. Charity matters to prove authentic love is alive. Typical romantic love is selfish because there is pleasure in the acts of love, and often pleasant actions are returned from the beloved. True charity, done with joy, provides a benefit to the other and a peace within the giver because they have chosen to do something selfless for God’s sake.

This is the secret of true charity; namely, that it is done for love of God alone. God calls us to love our neighbor, love our enemy, do good to those who persecute or hate you, love as Jesus loved. Perhaps there is a selfishness in true charity if you consider that you want to please God in your action. If that is your desire, then please God, let there be more selfishness like this in the world!

The act of love that hurts, that truly sacrifices something, that is done voluntarily, and finds pleasure in the sacrifice because of the knowledge of pleasing God in the process, is true charity. True charity has unlimited power to produce grace in others that are directly or indirectly affected by the act done with joy.

Mother Teresa of Calcutta is a shining example. The beam on her face as she picked up the downtrodden of the streets and lived a life of poverty is the essence of charity.

But marriage itself is a form of charity. Think about it. If entered correctly, there is a desire to serve the other out of love for them, in the name of love for God. Often, love demands service regardless of whether love is returned. That is charity. This kind of love can endure for life when we know that the affection we all desire comes from Christ, Who showers us with affectionate grace when human affection is wanting.

Those who are dating need to develop an awareness and be conscious of charity in action with those they date, and how they themselves are charitable as they date others. The distraction of romantic love very strong. This love is not enough. There is still too much of a “what’s in it for me” reality to this kind of love. Learn how to step back and observe little acts of charity from your prospects for marriage, and reflect on your post-date acts of charity. Have you both been a witness to Christ in true charity? Do you display a genuine concern for the other’s well-being first before your own selfish desires?

You should want to be someone your future spouse can feel safe with, knowing that their happiness is your happiness. You should want someone who feels the same about your happiness. False charity would pit you both against each other to see who can be more charitable, and cause problems that can kill an otherwise wonderful, and God-intended union. False charity is a selfish desire to do good for the other, and resents when not able to do so and in the manner desired.

True charity is detached from any pleasure in doing what is beneficial for another. It’s voluntary. It doesn’t count costs. It accepts what is painful. Live true charity. Then you will be living true love that makes for successful marriage.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, is not pompous, it is not inflated. It is not rude. It does not seek its own interests. It is not quick-tempered. It does not brood over injury. It does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
These are the words of St. Paul in 1 Corinthians. They are the very embodiment of charity.

→ 7 Comments

Posted in Dating, Marriage

Dear Anthony,

I am dating a woman I met on AMS that I am very attracted to. The problem is, I think I am lusting after her.  I don’t want to but I can’t help it.  She dresses in a way that I should probably have a problem with.  I like it and hate it at the same time.  Why is that?  And what should I do about it?  I am worried that I might not find her as attractive if she dressed differently.

I am very happy to see you struggle with this.  That shows that you have a desire for truth.  That’s good.

You are very vague about your dilemma, since you do not cite any examples about exactly how this woman dresses.  But I can guess what you are talking about.  I have had many men contact me about the struggle they have with the way the Catholic woman he is dating dresses.

Modesty is not so much about clothes as it is about intent.  It’s not so much what is worn, but how it is worn and the attitude that goes along with the presentation.

Don’t get me wrong.  Certain clothing is objectively immodest.  But for a woman to be immodest, she must be at risk of looking provocative.  So a woman who is not trying to be immodest, or believes that, in fact, she is not being immodest, can still be objectively immodest by the fact that certain clothing she is wearing presents her in a way that compels being noticed by men.

To lust after a woman is to desire her in a sexual, physical, and inappropriate way.  A man desiring to have sex with a woman he is simply looking at is, by definition, lust. It is a man’s responsibility to practice self-control and self-mastery in order to not be inclined to lust after a woman. Plenty of modestly dressed women are beautiful and desirable looking. A woman cannot be made to take full blame for a man desiring her.

Christian men are legitimately frustrated that they are exposed to women who are dressed provocatively.  Certain clothes on certain body types are going to be eye catching.  Women know this, and sorry to say, they have enough vanity at times to enjoy it.  It’s natural for a woman to want to be noticed and considered beautiful.  I highly doubt, however, that you can find a Christian woman who would say she is happy if a man lusts after her.

The dilemma is you have Christian women who live in a culture where they can get away with dressing all kinds of ways without knowing a fine line between modesty and immodesty, and men who have the problem you expressed; namely of loving it and hating it at the same time.  How can they not love seeing a girl dressed very noticeably?  (I refuse to use the word “hot,” but I’m sure many of you are thinking that is what I mean, and rightly so.)  But at the same time, he feels bad for being so seemingly shallow (or maybe he doesn’t think of that part at all).

The truth is, the clothes are not the only contributor, nor the worst of it.    Also contributing to the outward appearance is makeup and hair style.  And the worst of it is the attitude behind the appearance.

A woman may wear a dress that exposes her body, like a dress that is sleeveless, and shows her legs and knees.  How she does her hair and makeup, and how she conducts herself in that dress can make the difference between modesty and immodesty.  Even a woman in a pair of jeans and a long sleeve sweater can look provocative if she conducts herself in a manner that is meant to turn men’s heads.

I saw the movie “We Bought A Zoo,” which has the actress Scarlet Johansson in it.  She gets a lot of hype as being quite the gorgeous and sexy woman.  In this movie, however, she was hardly anything close to that.  She was not unattractive, but she surely was not sexy.  She was pretty, but surely not “wowing.”  Her character in “He’s Just Not That Into You” is totally about using her sex appeal to attract men.

The point is, a beautiful (even sexy) woman can successfully and quite easily conduct herself in a way which does not lure the eyes of men, nor stir their minds to impure or lustful thoughts.  In fact, a Christian woman should avoid doing any such thing.  They should be aware of what clothes they wear, and how their hairstyle and makeup combine with their clothes.  And they should definitely not have an intent to get noticed, via the way they walk, talk, or look at men.

All of these things contribute to immodesty.  It cannot be about how much flesh is showing.  How you conduct yourself publicly is also a contributor to immodesty.  

Perhaps it sounds like I am saying that Christian women should hide their beauty and dress frumpy and wear no makeup. On the contrary.  A pretty woman can be a pretty woman without flaunting herself.  Women must be honest with themselves about their vanity.  Many women have a strong temptation to vanity that leads to immodesty. True humility will allow a beautiful woman to admit her outward appeal potential and act accordingly in the name of the Lord.

Too many woman act in the name of themselves and tell others to just deal with it.  This is not a Christian attitude. Women must consider the effect they might have on men and be careful about their outward presentation and conduct.

A good Christian man does not want a woman he lusts after.  He might deceive himself in thinking he wants a “hot” woman. Those are not good Christian men.  What he wants is a modest woman who conducts herself in a manner befitting her faith, respectful of the one man who is the only man she wants to have admire her and have her in any sensual way.  She does not seek to purposely parade herself to the general male populace.  A man wants to know that she cares only that he desires her, not anyone else.

A woman can be modest and still look very classy and elegant, not trampy and seductive.  She can be beautiful without every man wanting her.  She can dress in clothing that compliments her body, without showing it off.  She can behave in all ways that show she is self confident in her looks, without assuming her looks are to be noticed and admired by all.

Modesty starts with the love of God and being thankful for how God made you.  It grows in an attitude of charity about how to present and conduct yourself.  Modesty in dating and courtship allows a woman to use her looks and charms to win the heart of one man, and is extremely careful to make him comfortable and secure that her looks are only for him.

If you are worried about how you lust after this woman you and are concerned that you might not be attracted to her if she dresses differently, then I am guessing you have a problem on your hands that might end the relationship if not addressed.  You can’t force her to change, but you can have a good conversation about modesty and share what you are experiencing by being with her.  Not matter how it ends up, communicating about such things is always the best approach.

→ 16 Comments

Posted in Ask Anthony, Dating

Tagged modesty

→ 2 Comments

Posted in Dating, Single Life

This is the time of year when Christians are most focused on the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Reflection on the Holy Family is more than just the Nativity scene. Naturally, Christmas focuses o