Good Grief: Soundings, Part One
Jan 24th, 2012 by Ben Witherington
GOOD GRIEF — WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?
Having recently gone through the devastating experience of having our beautiful 32-year-old daughter die, completely unexpectedly, of a pulmonary embolism, I was determined from Day One (January 11, when she was found dead in her home in Durham, N.C.) to be open to whatever positive thing there might be to glean from this. I cling by my fingernails to the promise of Romans 8:28 that “God works all things together for good for those who love him….”
The first point that was immediately confirmed in my heart was theological: God did not do this to my baby. God is not the author of evil. God does not terminate sweet children’s lives with pulmonary embolisms. Pulmonary embolisms are a result of human fallenness and the bent nature of this world.
One of the primary reasons I am not a Calvinist and do not believe in such predestinings from the hand of God is (1) because I find it impossible to believe that I am more merciful or compassionate than God. Also, (2) the Biblical portrait of God is that God is pure light and holy love; in him there is no darkness, nothing other than light and love. (3) The words “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away,” from the lips of Job, are not good theology. They’re bad theology. According to Job 1, it was not God, but the Devil who took away Job’s children, health and wealth. God allowed it to happen, but when Job said these words, as the rest of the story shows, he was not yet enlightened about the true nature of where his calamity came from and what God’s will actually was for his life — which was for good, and not for harm.
So, for me, the beginning of good grief starts with the premise of a good God. Otherwise, all bets are off. If God is almighty and malevolent, then there is no solace to be found in God. If God is the author of sin, evil, suffering, the fall, and death, then the Bible makes no sense when it tells us that (1) God tempts no one, that (2) God’s will is that none should perish but have everlasting life, and that (3) death is the very enemy of God and humankind that Jesus, who is life, came to abolish and destroy.
“He came that we might have life and have abundantly.” If there are promises I cling to, as I weep for my sweet Christy, it is this promise, not the sorry solace and cold comfort of “God did this but we do not know why.” No. A thousand times, no! God and his will are always and only for what is good, and true, and beautiful, and loving, and holy.
As I stared at my baby in the casket — who did not even resemble herself at that juncture — I was so thankful that the God of the resurrection had a better plan for her than that cold comfort that “It’s all God’s will.” I believe in a God whose Yes to life is louder than death’s No — not because God likes to hold antinomies like life and death together in some sort of mysterious unity, but because God is in the trenches with us, fighting the very same evils we fight in this world, like disease, decay, death, suffering, sorrow and sin.
They don’t call him the Great Physician for nothing. He too took the Hippocratic Oath: “Do no harm.”
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Dear Mr Witherington,
I am sorry for your loss, God’s love is always with you and he always gives comfort. I have lost my 17 year old son last year, he was murdered by 6 teenagers. My refuge was my bible, it gave me strenght, hope and answerd some of my questions, since then I came across your blog, every day I check your site and read the articlaes and look for encoraging words and hope as a silent reader, When I read about the sad news of your daughter’s passing, I felt your pain as a father. All I can say is you are doing a good job and alot of people relay on your writings. Our loved ones are with our LORD, and I hope I will be worthy to be with them when time comes. You and your family will be in our prays.
I’m very sorry for you and wife. God be with you.
Thanks for some of the biblical reflection during this most heavy of times. Feels like solid ground to me. You all continue to be in my prayers.
I’d be curious to know what you think of the passage in Isaiah, “I make weal and I create woe”. Do you understand that as a description of the consequences of a fallen world? We really tussled with this one in seminary.
Ben, your daughter was lovely in every way, and I am thankful to hear your thoughts about our loving God as you process this unimaginable grief.
Hi preachermom: I think you have to read that in light of the whole context of that portion of Isaiah. That sort of language usually refers to God vindicating his people by judging their oppressors. It has nothing to do with medical conditions that terminate someone’s life and certainly those remarks are not globalized statements about God causing everything that happens.
Thanks, Ben. Great, great, great points. I agree 100%.
Wow…I had not heard of your loss…I am so sorry and my prayers are with your family my friend. It is amazing to see that in such great loss, God just used your words to truly move and teach me. You have an amazing gift. Love you Prof.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts in the midst of your own loss. As usual, you speak right to the heart of things from your heart (and head!). I especially appreciated your first reason for not believing “in such predestinings from the hand of God is (1) because I find it impossible to believe that I am more merciful or compassionate than God.” Well said. I have thought this same thing, though could not have said it as well!
As a parent, I can think of no other loss that could equal that of a child too young. I hope you know that I have always admired you for your walk with Christ and your life’s witness to His grace. Now more than ever, walking in His strength in this time of your suffering, I see Jesus all the more speaking through you, that your knowledge of God far surpasses any intellectual exercise…and it encourages me. It encourages me to always seek the redemptive hand of God in every circumstance. My prayers are with you, Ben, and your family. Thank you for this post and thank you for clinging to His Word.
Thank you for sharing those thoughts and words in your time of sorrow and loss.
Ben, I will be praying for you and your family. I had no idea about this until a friend at church shared your blog with our GriefCare Ministry. May the Comforter continue to give peace and mend all the broken places in your hearts.
By the way, I photographed you for Christianity Today many years ago and also benefited from your teaching in Greece while on Paul’s missionary journey. Hang in there.
Dr. Witherington,
I am so greatly sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine.
But thank you for writing this. It’s beautiful and resonates with my own soul.
I know people will benefit from this post more than you’ll ever know.
Ben,
That you can articulate sound theology and personal heartache so effectively just days after burying your daughter is a clear indication of the work of God in your life. We continue to pray for you and your family during these difficult days. God is certainly a good God!
This morning before I read your blog, I received a text from my daughter in Nashville that my grandson’s baby was born dead. Of course, he and the mother are devestated. Your words- so encouraging and sound theologically- are helpful to me as I continue to process my own grief issues and will be passed on to the family in Nashville. Thank you for all you to for our Lord’s Kingdom! Randy
This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing with us in the midst of your grief.
Thank you for this powerful, moving reflection. You and your family remain in my prayers.
I have been thru hard times, too, Ben – thru grief and loss. I have come to the exact same conclusions.
I am so sorry for your loss….
Dr. Witherington, I am so shocked and sorry to hear about your daughter’s passing. Thank you for your writings always.
Dr. W. I am so sorry for your lose. I fully agree with you about the nature of our loving God. When we see Jesus, we see the Father – I never see Jesus making anyone sick or causing death. Just the opposite! “God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and with power. He went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed by the devil, for God was with him. (Acts 10:38)
Dr. Witherington, I am praying for you and your family! Grace + Peace to you
Well spoken…thinking biblical theology with clarity amid grief. The most powerful sermon I ever heard was by a pastor whose son had died the day before, struck down on his bicycle. By coincidence he had preached on “To live is Christ, to die is gain…” he felt deeply that he could not NOT preach that sermon if ever he had believed on the day after his son was lost. The very last words of his sermon revealed the context of the sermon. The benediction was given, and the entire congregation sat motionless…some wept…all knew that the good news of the good gospel had been given to them with more integrity than they would ever likely experience again. Amen Ben…and prayers continue…mourning with you who mourn even as you remember who you are in Christ.
Your family is in my family, and my church family’s prayers.
You any your entire family have our deepest sympathies.
Your “in the trenches” grief theology is good medicine brother. I will be sharing it with our Grief Recovery group and our church at large as well.
In Christ’s love, Pastor Nathan Nordine Crestline, Ohio
It is indeed cold comfort to say, “It is God’s will.” Thank you for saying that. I was so sad for you to read of your daughter’s death. We buried our daughter 3 years ago, so I’m familiar with this grief and the crazy things people say. I wholeheartedly agree with you — God is GOOD and He did NOT do this thing.
Dr. Witherington, thank you for sharing this message with future Christian leaders. My husband and I graduated from ATS 2 years ago. Last month, we lost a child through miscarriage. I found so much comfort in the knowledge that God is sad too, and that he didn’t choose for my child’s life to end before it really even began. Asbury has prepared us for ministry, and also for life. And we are more than thankful for you and the other professors whose transparency and openness taught us what the Truth looks like in daily life. Thank you.
Dr. Ben, thanks so much for your reflections. I am going to forward it on to my congregation. Our little community has experienced much death in the past couple of weeks. We love you and hope to see you in March. ~Amy, Doogie, and Sophie
Dr. Witherington,
Thanks you for your strength and grace in this message and peace be with you and your family in this devastating time.
Dr. Witherington,
I’m a former student from the Orlando ATS. I’m sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. Words are difficult in times like these, probably for you and especially for those trying to express sympathy. Yet, you were able to communicate to us the most precious words about where grief and theology intersect. Many of us get drawn into the “It was God’s will and we don’t know why” trap. There is just no where to go from there, no positive movement, except resignation. You have highlighted that God’s abundant love is where we start and where we go from here and God’s yes to life is louder than death’s No. God is with us. God is with you. God is with Christy. My prayer for you is that receive all the strength you need, to continue on in your walk with our precious and loving, Lord and Savior.
Dr. Witherington,
Your words are beautiful. Thank you for sharing your wisdom in the context of grief with us. You and your family are in my prayers.
Dr. W,
I am very sorry to hear of the death of your daughter. Thank you for your powerful testimony of encouragement and understanding…
-Richard
So sorry, Ben, to hear you have lost your daughter. I can’t even imagine that kind of pain. Peace to you, as much as possible. You are in my prayers.
Krissi
Hi Dr. Witherington.
I think of you and Ann and David and Yuliya often in my prayers.
I think of Isaiah 57:1-2. God sometimes takes the righteous home to spare them from troubled times to come. Some of the righteous Israelites were not ordained to witness the horrors of the Babylonian occupation. God had better plans for them. I think the same thing is true with Christy. God had something very special planned for her at this point in her eternal life. This of course is in sharp contrast with what awaits those who are unfaithful to God in Is 57:3ff
Greetings Dr. Ben
May the Lord himself be your peace! Thank you for allowing us a glimpse into your heart during this difficult time. “the beginning of good grief starts with the premise of a good God” is a powerful truth.
John
You show such grace in your grief. Although we would seek to provide you comfort, you have provided comfort to us through your words. I look forward to a great future reunion when pain and suffering exist no more.
Praying for you, Dr. Witherington. So very sad to hear of your loss.
Ben,
Giving us a glimpse into your grief will be helpful to many – thanks for this. God sure loves life… from the swarms of living creatures he created in Genesis, to the command to fill the earth with life, to the Tree of Life in Revelation, to His described heartache over death. To live in a fallen world means it’s effects will to touch our lives. But instead of God being on the other side of the table instructing us how to grieve, he’s sitting beside us as the God of comfort who went through His own grief as He watched His Son die.
I hope you will continue to write both theologically and personally and you suffer through this.
Thank you Ben. I echo Mike’s sentiments. My thoughts are with you and your family and Christy’s world of friends.
My heart goes out to you Ben. I cannot phathom such loss. Still, I’m so glad God has revealed Himself to you in the truth you describe. I’m betting it lessons the sting – something God’s heart is breaking to do for you. I don’t know you but you are in my prayer today. Can I add this to hopefully comfort….
For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
Wherefore comfort one another with these words.
1Thess.4:16-18
I’ve lost some of my elders but never a child – I imagine that’s a whole other thing. But, what a day we have to look forward to when we will see each other again, embrace and rejoice. Come quickly Lord.
Heart felt love in Christ,
Bob
Dr. Witherington,
thank you for sharing these thoughts with us, and allowing us to weep as you weep.
Amen, amen. God weeps with us.
Dr Witherington,
I always love your blog, but this was truly powerful. Thanks for sharing this in the midst of your grief. May God’s peace be with you.
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
Ben, I just want to offer my deepest sympathy. You are experiencing the one, awful thing that every parent fears most.
Thank you for sharing your experience with your readers. It has to be a hard thing. I deeply appreciate the commitment to the cross that impels you to let life for others speak through your own experience of death.
Ben, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for your wisdom and willingness to be vulnerable.
great love and prayers to you from here in NZ.
Dr. Ben,
These words are a testimony of what it means to be a Christian and deal with the death of a loved one. They are so filled with hope and ring true when I think of the loss of my dad this past summer. You express it so well! Thank you for sharing with us in this time of your grief.
Blessings to you.
Your story really hit home with me. I lost my sister at age 31 to a pulmonary embolism. It has been several years ago, but I have always struggled with “WHY” at such a young age. Thank you for your testimony. My prayers are with you and your family. It is not easy, but God never told us that our lives would be easy.
Your words are a great witness. Thanks for sharing them. We will continue to pray for you and support you in this journey. Peace!
Thank you for sharing this journey of grieving, hope, and truth. I’m so sad for your loss. If you have anything more to say….I’m listening.
Very well said. Thank you. You remain in our prayers.
Thanks to you all. Carla, I understand entirely. I think we have to realize that it is not what we don’t understand about God that is the basis of our faith, it’s what we do understand, even in the face of tragedy. Blessings, Ben
Bless you, Dr. Witherington
Oh, Ben. I’m so very sorry. Our family will pray for your family – Bitty
Well said. Thanks
Many times excellent…A thoughtful, well-stated and biblically faithful response to the tragedies of life. Thank-you for sharing it with us.
As a United Methodist pastor who buried the oldest of two sons when he was 32 in October, 2008 I can add my own hearty Amen! to the other positive comments. I’m so thankful that I had already come to a place in my own spiritual journey where I had been given the grace to understand that “He came that we might have life and have it abundanty,” trumps “God did this but we do not know why,” and the cold comfort of “It’s all God’s will,” every time.
I add my thanks to you for sharing this in such understandable yet eloquent ways. My prayers are with you and your family.
The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you; the LORD lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace.
Although it sounds counter-intuitive, we are commended to “weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice,” and for some reason, well beyond my understanding, I hope to do both with you. As a graduate of ATS, I thank you for, not only the witness you give, but the vulnerability you share with everyone, staff and student (including alums) alike.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. What a terribly sad time for your family. May His comforting arms surround you especially right now.
Many prayers and wishes for healing, hope, smiles and peace to you. You are living every parent’s worst nightmare, and my heart hurts right now for you. God bless.
Thanks for your grace-filled words about life as you and all of us together shrink before the mystery of death. I am so glad that I was able to participate in Christy’s funeral, experience such magnificent music, and experience the formative power of God’s word so caringly and compassionately explicated. Thanks be to God for Christy, God’s precious gift.
Ben, as a Asbury Theological Seminary Grad (1986) and a dad with a 32 year old daughter named Christa, this was a big WOW. God bless you my friend. Just God bless you.
Ben. I am 79 year old semi-retired Baptist pastor who a year ago last December lost a precious 55 year old daughter. She had been bed ridden for 27 years due to a rare muscle calcificaion disease. On November 28 2010 she suffered a cerebral hemmorage and passed away four days later. I am a Calvinist and find little difference between God causing something terrible to happen and allowing it happen. If I were an open theist I might find comfort but that too is a dead end street for me. Like you I am hanging on to Rom. 8:28 with my fingernails. If you have time please explain to me how you can find comfort in knowing that God Knew what was going to happent to your lovely daughter, could have done something to prevent it but chose not to do so. My heart along with yous is broken. DuWayne Lee
I am so moved by your words of grace and love in the midst of such devastating circumstances. My heart continued to say “amen” after each of your statements. I am reminded of what William Sloan Coffin said of his child who died, and I paraphrase: “the first heart that broke when my son’s car ran off the road was God’s” In these difficult days, Ben, may you find community in your loneliness, comfort in your pain, hope in despair, and resurrection in death. I am praying for you, and standing with you, my brother.
Brother Lee if I could fully answer that I would be in heaven. As it is, I can say this— God allows many things to happen that he would not choose for us. This is because he programmed into the equation not just his will, but the ability of all human beings to make choices that are not predetermined. Could God have intervened and prevented the embolism— yes I believe he could have. But he also knew how many health issues Christy had, and how much she had been suffering. He also knew the eternal life he had planned for her. So perhaps his not intervening was an act of love—- now I do not know this. I really don’t, but it makes some sense.
Blessing to you and your family, Dr. Witherington.
May our LORD give you His great peace and may you and your family feel our Great God’s presence and love over each of you now and forever!
Ben, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing yourself and your grief. I found myself nodding in agreement as I read your post and saying aloud “amen and amen.” Be assured of my prayers. Your sister, BJ
Thank you for being willing to share. I’m continuing to lift all of you in prayer. Blessings and peace,
This is wonderfully comforting. There’s a popular thread running around in Christian circles (especially amongst women) that everything is from God’s hand… “all is grace.” I’ve had a difficult time being part of that club, and I’ve received a lot of criticism. As a cancer patient, I’ve had a lot of questions, but never “why me?”. Why not me? I am not immune from suffering, and I don’t believe that God is the source of my suffering. God is with me in my suffering and can use it all for his kingdom good and gain. Anyway, I hear you and so very much appreciate this insight.
Blessings and peace to you as you walk these tremendous days of grief and mourning.
~elaine
Dear Ben,
It is indeed true, Romans 8:28 comes to life in the most difficult hours. Your sharing is a great blessing. Together we count on the goodness of God every day. May the Lord hold you close.
Thanks to all, and especially to you B.J. You have been a good friend for a long time. I sure do value my friends even more now.
Dr, Witherington,
Bless you and all your family. Love and prayers. Thank you for your witness over all the years. Sometimes I get so weary of life and only Christ keeps me going. Even though I can’t imagine the pain you feel, the strength of your words really encourage me in my own struggles.