Kerri’s Story

Once upon a time… my mother gave birth to me.

I slumbered. I blamed. I hurt. I ate. I angered. I ran. I punished myself. I was a victim.

Twenty-seven years after my birth, I was born.

This is that story.

On a perfect summer morning – a sky as clear and blue as ever could be – my thirty-four year old husband dropped dead. I was twenty-seven. We had two toddlers. I was naked – I had been stripped of everything.

Seeing my reflection in the mirror while getting dressed into appropriate ‘mourning clothes’, an unfamiliar voice emerged within me. A voice no longer strangled by fear; a voice of strength. One life had been lost, not an entire family and it was time for me to grow up, wake up, quit blaming and deal with the crap that had been dumped on us. My babies deserved a strong mommy. (If they had chosen me to be their mommy then maybe there were reserves within me to leave the depression and fear and find joy in embracing life?)

So began a long Journey of self-reflection, of embracing my Shadow Side (thank you Debbie Ford), of healing, of Spiritual practice, of Forgiveness, of accepting and developing my own Self Worth. I became adamant that everything was a gift – I learnt from Louise Hay that our thoughts create our reality and I was going to squeeze the good out of every situation so that I would only be fed loving, nourishing thoughts. (Very different from the previous twenty-seven years’ approach – right?!)

I was blessed with angels, with fabulous therapists, with two exceptional Souls wrapped up as my children and an ongoing song in my head and my heart… “I found Strength, Courage, and Wisdom and it’s been inside of me all along, Strength, Courage, and Wisdom, inside of me” (Ms India Arie).

For me – and I believe for everyone – healing, wellness, is holistic. My Journey led me to energy work, to prayer (I dabbled in religious practice but didn’t resonate with that), to whole foods and juicing. I looked fear in the eyes, felt it, and did it anyway (immense gratitude to Susan Jeffers). I immigrated; I battled through a new language and culture; I practiced the healing I had learned; I cleaned homes; I looked after delicious children; I learned how to love kitties (we’re all God’s children and S/he was blessing me with all my stray animals); I lost my Ego and lived from my Soul – from my deep belief that the Universe supports me and that everything is in my Highest Good.

But journeys are funny and definitely not boring.

Somewhere along the way I began to do too much and ‘be’ too little – I became a human doing instead of a human being. I began to define myself in terms of my roles – I was losing my Self. Actually, I had neglected and partly given her away. When stress – financial and personal – began to well up around me, my Ego launched into a tantrum, “Why?”, “Why is this happening?”, “Why me?”. I reached a crisis.

I realized fairly soon, TG, that I had abandoned Faith now and that my Ego was currently in charge; back in the picture and centre stage mind you. I had ceased to practice loving behavior to myself; ceased to nourish myself – my eating was erratic, my weight was fluctuating, I wasn’t exercising or meditating. I was living in reaction to life as opposed to being a co-creator. I had lost my boundaries. Medically, I was suffering from pooped adrenals!

I knew I needed change. I needed to slow down and return to that whole place that I knew and loved. I took a long, hard look at my life, prayed and changed course. It’s true; life is a journey, not a destination. And I’ll tell you this much, I’m grateful for every curve ball that’s been thrown my way. The tapestry of my life is gloriously rich because all these colorful gifts.

A defining moment in my relationship with food came about for me when, in Eat, Pray, Love, I fully heard Elizabeth Gilbert state, “I’m so tired of saying no and then waking up in the morning and recalling every single thing I ate the day before, counting every calorie I consume so I know exactly how much self loathing to take into the shower.” Until then – even with healthy foods, I experienced way too much fear and guilt. Emotional, self-sabotaging eating fails to nourish the Soul, one’s self-esteem, one’s self worth.

Now, I make and take time for me (look, that time ain’t just gonna show up). I believe in me. I am grateful for me. I love me. I am loving to me. And I know that I am an instrument for change. In the words of the amazing Kris Carr, I am a Wellness Warrior! I am consciously and passionately living my best life. I deserve it. And part of my Plan is to inspire and support others in achieving their Greatness, their Joy, their Wellness (darn right they get capital letters!) – their birthright. We all deserve it.

Today my Life is filled with green smoothies and juices, delicious whole foods, homeschooled kids, moving my bod so that I feel my strength and vitality, nurturing relationships, work I love and believe in, gratitude and God.

This is my story…