STATEMENTS OF STORY AS COLLECTED BY BARSS CORNER R.C.M.P. DETACHMENT, NEW GERMANY, NOVA SCOTIA.

ERIC 'THE TRACKER' STEWART, PIRATE HUNTER.

What a mess. See, wherever they go, the pirates chew up the forest, all mindless crashing with that giant woodship. All they care about is junk and they'll crush anything that gets in the way. I was just as blind to it as you until one day I tripped over a clue. And then another. What else was there to do? I became a pirate hunter. I tracked them like a thunderstorm. I collected evidence and found their trail. Then they disappeared. Then I met the weirdest girl in the world. Turns out she was their scout. Then together we stole their ship. By the time you get to the end you see it’s really just the beginning.

MISSY BULLSEYE. ('THE GIRL')

He’s right. I am the weirdest girl in the world. That’s why I run with pirates. If it weren’t for me, they’d be a heap o’ splinters twice a week.

GRAMPA 'THE JACKAL' JOE.

I knew for certain there was no such thing as pirates in the woods. Then, well, they attacked. And so there was indeed such a thing. Then they took me on for their own. In actual fact it was me what took them on, but Captain might argue on that point. Since then it’s been all maggot and devil’s club sandwiches, and rat’s tails in my tea. But my word, can they ever whoop.

HECTOR 'THE WRECKER' GRISTLE, CAPTAIN OF CALAMITY, LEADER, JUNK-HUNTING DREAD CREW.

(crosses arms over chest) 
(glares menacingly) 
(belches)

Here's how to order. Caution: books may arrive smeared with maple syrup or squashed leech juice. Or both.

~ The Author