burrito face
January 31, 2012
in Brigham,just write,Work
I walked into work today, disheveled, moody, hurting to see home again.
My shirt sloppily untucked. My cardigan unbuttoned. Wet curls dangling at my shoulders. There was not time to dry them. There never seems to be enough time. Landon was coughing and sniffling and complaining that his ear hurt. But I still had to take him to school. Because I can’t miss work again.
I barely saw my kids yesterday. A few minutes in passing before I left for work. A quick exchange of tiny kisses. Then for 30 minutes during their bath time before I left for dinner.
I realized something yesterday. Something that has been going on for a long time but I became awake to it after crying in my car on my way home.
Naaman sent me a photo on my phone. Brigham was scaring down a burrito and his little cheeks were puffed out, full of food.
I burst out in tears. I missed it. I missed his burrito face.
The realization was that I emotionally separate myself from my kids.
I had an amazing bond with Brigham when he was first born. I couldn’t set him down. I held him in my arms and I didn’t want anyone else to hold him. He was mine. It was like gravity. He gravitated to my chest and that is where he stayed.
Then I got a job.
I started when he was 8-weeks-old. I remember the week before it began. I started setting him down more. Giving him bottles instead of the breast. Letting Naaman hold him more because I knew he needed to get used to me not being there.
On my first day, I was unwillingly pulled away from my newborn.
The bond was broken.
But I broke it. I did it on purpose. I thought it would hurt less if I let go a little. I thought I was protecting myself. I thought I was protecting my boys. That if I got too close or spent too much time with them I would realize what I’m missing.
The truth is – I’ve known all along what I’m missing.
I’m missing burrito faces.
And it hurts.
It hurts so much.
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: angelaamman
January 31, 2012 at 12:54 pm
Oh Molly. I don’t have words of wisdom. But hugs to you.
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Twitter: momgosomething
January 31, 2012 at 1:04 pm
This is so hard. Finding a balance without having immense guilt. I understand where you’re coming from. I don’t think it’s your fault. I really don’t. Working pulls us away from all these moments. It’s a sad realization. But it’s not your fault.
Much hugs.
Kimberly recently posted..The Book
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Great article, Molly! You almost made me cry remembering these same feelings of separation from my babies when I had to work, but it was a matter of survival. I’m just grateful that I had family members to take care of them. I remember thinking how much I couldn’t wait to get home to see them after work. I so looked forward to picking them up. The mother/child bond is so strong that words, written or spoken, can never fully describe it. I only hope the gratitude you have for experiencing this bond will outweigh the pain of separation. Also, you can be comforted that you share all of these feelings with millions of other working moms.
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Twitter: Looking4MyHappy
January 31, 2012 at 3:25 pm
It’s such a rough internal battle when it comes to working vs not. Either way, you are great and doing the best you can (I’m sure!).
The grass always seems brighter…
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Oh, girl. *hugs*
Shell recently posted..My Kid Irritates Me Because…
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I know….I am also a working mom. My SIL homeschools her kids. Other friends talk about the “joys” of being able to stay home. Sometime I cry a little (a lot) too. But I know I am making the right choice. (most of the time)
Theresa recently posted..100 days
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