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[...] Reader recommended this item to me: The Heart Knows the Truth. Read it; you know you want [...]

Cara says:

The interesting thing is that in Christian circles we call this level of honesty immature, and it would be intimated by many Christians that such a person lacks discretion, discernment, emotional maturity, etc. (if in fact they don’t possess a handicap of a type that forces this level of honesty).

I have long noticed that in many churches, people tapped for leadership positions usually have very high “spin” ability. This doesn’t mean they are liars, but rather that they have learned to put the very best spin on many things and to avoid talking about/calling attention to things they view as less positive or less unifying for a group of people in a religious setting. They excel at putting a glossy face on certain truths and in passing over other truths entirely, and much of the decision-making for how this is done is based on their own personality’s likes and dislikes. This can often lead to an unhealthy environment…

I have both worked and worshipped in such spin-controlled settings, and ultimately these settings become stultifying and repressive if you are not drinking the Kool-Aid. : )

Beth Craig says:

Love the authenticity of this post, Don. Keep listening in on conversations. It gives you good material to write to the rest of us!

Julie says:

I wonder if the ‘sophistication’ we should strive for is the ability to speak the unvarnished truth WITH compassion (sound like anyone we know?). But, I don’t think I can do that well until I’m ruthlessly truthful with myself about my own motivations and core feelings. So, what’s my motivation for commenting here?

Chandra says:

Most of the time people who tell it like they see it and speak in clear terms are called mean names or told they lack “tact”. I know because I am such a person and at times yes, I have been tactless in my quest to put it all out there. But, you nail it on the head. It’s a more honest way to way live and I have no real regrets on choosing honesty in relationships over always smoothing things over.

Looking back on all the problems my “honesty” has caused in relationships, I stand behind how I handled myself in those situations because I was truthful. I think the balance is learning how to do this and not hurt others and also at times accepting that if we sometimes tell the truth, no matter how we do it, we will hurt others.

Karen says:

Truth – in love………….
I’ve heard that somewhere…..

Truth and love both important to the author…

Lib says:

I love this post. I love your comment about how we cover up the truth with false sophistication. It doesn’t feel as vulnerable when we use false sophistication–it allows us tip-toe all around the truth of our heart and its desires, without ever really sharing it.

I went to a women’s bible study for the first time at my church this morning. I went because I really want to meet and connect with women. The study we are doing right now is called “Life Management for Busy Women.” It’s horrible. I don’t think Christ came into our lives to make us more managed. It’s hard to show up real in the church. It’s hard to not speak in false sophistication. In the past I’ve bailed on these types of studies because no one ever shares their heart. But I think I’ll stick around and try to “be the change I want to see.” I will think about this conversation you overheard and try to be real, even if it feels scary.

Thanks for sharing this.

Also, on a different note, I just want to tell you I love your writing and your books. You latest book “A Million Miles” really impacted me. My family is in the process of adopting a child now and your book has really helped me push through the fear of it all. Thanks for writing and sharing your story with us.

Marci says:

Thanks Don.

I yearn for a world that has people who have dropped their masks and who have exposed themselves. And like Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world”. And that’s where I’ve begun.

Christa Knox says:

I would love to hear such unashamed honesty on a daily basis. What a concept! I know I would probably frighten myself if I broke complicated life pain down to its core principles: I feel hurt, abandoned. But what beauty there would be with the same freeness!

*Side note: Plain text: ‘I like the music you have recommended. It makes me feel relaxed and happy.’ It makes me picture an open highway in Eastern Oregon. I’ve heard no better road trip soundtrack. I see rolling wheat fields and mountains on the horizon, stretching past the reaches of the widest panoramic lens, bound by all the shades that only the sun wrapping itself in the Pacific can bring.

David says:

Fear and impression management too often keep me from being real. Lord, give me courage to be real!

Helen says:

I love this because the woman is stating the truth as it affects her. She doesn’t judge the other person, she just describes exactly how this person makes her feel. And isn’t that ultimately what happens in relationships–you like or dislike someone, not necessarily because of what they do or say, but based on the way they make you feel.
Great food for thought.

Cindy Garritt says:

I have a son with profound disabilities and a friend who tells me that if I went to the right church or had enough faith or if she introduces me to so and so that he could be healed. But I’m not going there with this thought. My son brings out this honest element in people. I can never guess who may come by to give him a high-five or tell me about their experiences with someone with special needs. In so many ways, Duncan has a much greater impact for Jesus than I will ever have with my masters degree in communication. He makes the jump shot, I take the rebound.

Chris Oldcorn says:

Sometimes we “abled” people just complicate life unnecessarily. This story is a great example of the basics of life.

Lori Ventola says:

I should love this post. And I do love talking with people who are incapable of guile, like this young woman at the restaurant. But this week it makes me really sad, I guess because I long for this kind of communication and feel kinda lost in a world that doesn’t stand for it. We’ll get there, if only in eternity.

Mike says:

“Say what you mean, mean what you say.” I recently heard someone preach on that topic and I feel like this is very similar and I’ve noticed me catching myself when I say something just out of habit and I think about it for a second and then I have to say, “I didn’t mean that.” Tough stuff. Or at the least, uncomfortable.

Jordan says:

It seems that one of the great gifts that people with disabilities give us, when we are with them enough to receive, is making us aware of our own disabilities. In this case, the masks we wear and hide behind. I think there is something true about our masks (we are them, in the end), but this still reminds us how much we are playing-posturing-for position.

Laurinda Krotish says:

I agree, sophistication is like overdressing, but I have often been jealous of people who have the wardrobe for it. I haven’t the threads to cloak my honesty. My few friends have seen me naked, and that’s how I know they’re my friends. My would be friends have all run away screaming at the site of my bare bum so no, I don’t think most people want honesty. I think most people prefer metaphors and confusing talk because then they can have different interpretations and everyone’s version of the truth is the right one.

Sherri says:

Beautiful and poetic, I appreciate this. Bob Lenz’ sister, Lois, is amazing like this. I hope you have the chance to meet them someday.

RuthintheDesert says:

Wow. You suddenly have me asking myself I am a good friend. And I am not sure!

Jeremy says:

Hey Donald, would you mind checking this out? If it’s an idea you think is good, and would like to support we’d really appreciate it! Thanks! j.mp/dMP1ar

Chris says:

Beautiful, Don. It’s such a shame that our level of understanding of grace is so shallow that we have to lie to ourselves about who we are. This reminds me a lot of your “Why nudity is the point” chapter in Searching for God Knows What, which has really shaped my view of relationships. Honesty is so vital not just to relationships, but to one’s own sanity. Nobody can stand the charade for very long, but we all put one on to some extent. It’s awesome to see that there are people who live largely outside of that in this fallen world.

“And they were naked, but they felt no shame.” Such powerful words…can’t wait for heaven

Terri S. says:

Once again, great post Don! It’s given me something to chew on for the rest of the week. Very timely. Purity in truth … an interesting concept in this day and age! Thanks brother!

kristie vosper says:

Great post. More reasons I love hanging out with kids…but even they learn to spin their story quickly.

[...] Miller.  You can tell my favorite point he makes by the title I chose.  You can either go to the link, or read it [...]

Bethany says:

It is brave work to connect to self with curiosity and to then live boldly out of what we learn. Our shame and fear can so quickly turn us toward self-contempt or contempt toward others. To remain connected to both pain and desire with kindness can be a slow but redemptive and freeing process.

brie. says:

such honesty is so rare and thus, so difficult for us to process, i think. we cover up how we feel with fancy language and distraction because it would take so much honesty it almost make the hurt more real…and yet it sounds incredibly freeing to live in the rawness of it all…thanks.

[...] an example of a brief, well-told story, you might enjoy this short piece about a conversation between two ladies Donald Miller overheard at a restaurant.  I enjoyed [...]

Jsdavies says:

Overall, I think the major failure of communication relates to these c